March 1st is my January 1st

So today is my new beginning- I decided sometime in January, after I seeing the crazy path ahead, that starting March 1st everything would begin coming together and I would get on track with positivity and self care.  So...

Today I began running again- I had only ran a handful of times in the last few months and it was really effecting me.  I was sluggish, tired, unmotivated, just felt overall unhealthy.  I will also do some strength training again since it's helpful with reducing running injuries.

And I am happy to report we are fully moved in (obviously not everything is in it's permanent place, but we are feeling comfortable here), we have also signed the lease and our tenants are moving in to our old place.  Our pup is in his new home (though it might not be his permanent home), and my private practice is about to start.

I pretty much have an office, opened my business account, got a phone number, and have everything else ready to go once I get the confirmation that the office is mine.  I am so excited to be starting my own business- but I have a glimpse of all the work owning a business can bring.  All the little things that just came with being employed by someone else are now my responsibility- all my own paperwork, website, administrative stuff, furniture, insurance, marketing, billing, schedule...yeah and thats before actually doing the work- seeing clients.

Big Changes...

We are moving!  Going from homeowners to landlords and returning to renters will be a big adjustment- but it should all be worth it.  We are moving closer to my family, where I grew up, and I will be starting a private practice.  I said this year was going to be a year of big changes...

hello future home...can't wait to add our personal touches.

Yoga.

D and I did hot yoga today (bikram).  This is something I was very into years ago.  It's yoga done in a heated room with high humidity.  I was impressed with how ok I felt doing it.  When I first began bikram I would have to sit down a lot, would feel nauseated, and basically wondered why anyone would subject themselves to such torture (ha reminds me of how running initially felt too- well if i was running underneath a heater).  But today, although my core felt very weak, I had more stamina and strength then I thought I would.  I guess any exercise keeps those things up.  But my core- oh how weak it felt.  I'm fairly flexible in some postures, and although I could have gone deeper into them, my core would not have held me up to do so.  But thats the point of doing this- to have a more well-rounded fitness regimen,  Running is great, but I was missing the focus, core building, and stretching that yoga provides.  Yoga is very mental- like running, but instead of getting out of my body like I do while running, I focus on being more mindful of my body.  So again it's a great compliment.  During this class my mind wavered a lot- I went through stages of believing I should come every day, to knowing this was a huge mistake and I should probably go home to take a nap.  Ultimately I left the class rejuvenated and energized.  I can't say the same for D- he was grumpy and burnt.  Even still, we are both looking forward to our next class.

And about that job interview- I cancelled it.  It was not the right fit.  But I do have a few applications out for jobs that would be great.  Although they are full time, they are near my family and would allow for less time in daycare.  And it would be really nice to get paid well for what I do...really nice.  This year is absolutely going to be a year of big changes.

Choices

I have been sending my resume around to a few positions- although the "perfect" position hasn't come up.  I have seen so many great ones but either it's not in an ideal location, or it's with a population I'm not too keen on, or it's not the right amount of hours, or the pay will be bad.  I got offered an interview for a job that screams perfect for me- if you ignore the location, the hours, and the possibility of shitty pay.  It's working with a population and a mission that I am very passionate about- psychotic disorders.  If D and I didn't have a child I would probably take this job in a heart beat and relocate to the city.  It would satisfy my emotional needs and I'm sure we could survive  on the income.  But now we have L and it's not just about my emotional needs.  So instead of blindly taking the interview I have inquired further to see if this is even worth going to- why waste my time and there's if I wouldn't take the job.  And no, the "practice" of the interview would not be worth the hassle of getting there.  So we will see what they say.  I am constantly reminding myself that I  do not need to jump at the first job offer.  I don't need to get a job this moment- we are doing fine.  Plus the job has to be worth the expense (daycare cost, travel time, emotional cost of seeing less of D and L).

L has been a little charmer, talking up a storm- oh and somewhere in the holiday chaos he turned 16 months.  This kid just wont stop growing and he is finally getting some hair.  He is sleeping better when he isn't congested/sick.  I have also been decreasing dairy in my diet and his, which is helping.  Maybe it's something I should have never stopped- honestly I felt better when I wasn't consuming dairy.  Here are a few random photos from the past week: A candle made from a mandarin and olive oil, instructions are here.   L splashing at the Bay Discovery Museum- I LOVE that place.  Our pup taking a "princess nap".

 

1 down, 1 to go...

I wrote this last night:

"I'm taking my first licensing test tomorrow- I am in a way freaking out, in a way checked out.  I didn't study for this the way I studied in college.  I listened to some friends and just took a ton of practice exams through a test prep agency.  I also looked at the flash cars a bit.  I haven't told too many people when I am taking the test- D knows, my parents know, my cousin- thats about it.  I hope I pass and will be devastated if I don't."

Well I passed!!!

I expected more relief, but there is a second (said to be more difficult) exam.  I am so close to licensure I can almost taste it.  It's surprisingly terrifying, freeing, emptying, and exactly what I have been working towards.

To be continued...

Random tidbits but I should be studying...

I got my letter informing me that my application for my license was accepted and I am eligible to sit for the exams- so yes, I should be studying.  Studying is so different now, being out of school for over 3 years and having a baby.  And it also means that when I am licensed I have decisions to make- get a part time job, open a private practice (where?), stay home (might not be able to)....

Tomorrow I am hosting a playdate at my home- excited, anxious, curious...L hasn't really had to share his toys/space with many other children.

The laundry room is so close to being done, we bought a jogging stroller yesterday (finally), D and I are doing a 10k training schedule, planning D a surprise (sorta) bday gathering for next week, distracting myself from studying by thinking about when is the best time to have another baby, stressing over being so far away from my mother with future other baby (talk about a ridiculous thing to think about now).  Lots of stuff happening/on my mind...

I'm going to go study now...

The Boss

So I had my official last day at work on Wednesday.  It's still surreal that I wont be returning to the place I spent most of my waking hours at for the past 3 years.  I've shed some tears- mostly because I will miss my friends/coworkers, and a part of me is no longer- the part that worked in that clinic, with that population, doing that kind of work.  I know this is not the end of my relationships with friends from work- nor is it the end of my career as a therapist- but it is the end of this chapter, and thats more then a little sad.  L and I also said good bye to daycare- and as much as I cried over leaving him there, eventually they became a part of my motherhood journey.  We will still visit- I spent a lot of time there because I went every day on my lunch to nurse- they are some awesome ladies that take wonderful care of other peoples children.

Enough about the sadness- I am also so excited and happy!  Today is my first day alone with L as a stay at home mom.  So far he has gotten up about the same time we would for work, he had some breakfast, nursed, I've been able to start some laundry, put away dishes- and now he's playing before I put him down for a nap.  It's cute that his favorite activity is playing with laundry, and clearing off the book shelf.  Books fascinate him- not baby play books- but paperbacks that I read.

So for now- here's my new boss- helping with the laundry

Gifts

This is something I will miss about daycare- yes, I quit my job again, for reals this time!  L made me this card, which is hanging up in my office at the moment.

It reads, "I am like a flower thats raised with love by you.  You help me grow up big and strong.  Mom, thanks for all you do!"  I tear up every time I read it.

Days off...

L and I ended up staying home on Monday since his fever spiked up to 102.8.  It still seems to just be teething.  Tuesday I headed to work, but about 2 hrs into the day daycare called- L needed to be picked up, he was inconsolable.  Those upper teeth are no joke.  Plus I thought 7 1/2 months was a good time to experiment with reintroducing dairy in my diet- FAIL.  The dreaded dairy poop returned and he has been blowing up the place.

The more I am away from work, the harder it is to go back- and L is so fun right now.

Over the weekend we celebrated D's dads bday.  L is starting to show some stranger anxiety as he made the most amazing sad faces when family came up to coo over him.  Drop offs at daycare are getting harder emotionally- L cries and does his best sad face- even if someone is holding him when I leave.

I am almost done with my couch to 5K torture adventure.  I can officially jog for 28 min, but very slowly.  So after I finish the 9 week program I will have to pick up the pace if I really want to complete the 5k distance.  Working out and eating healthy has much more meaning to me now that L is around, and especially because I will be battling for VBACs with my future children.

These next few weeks are going to busy ones- it seems like every weekend we have plans.  I think D and I will have to plan a vacation before we burn out.

Taking things back...

In my most unprofessional moment of my adult life...I retracted my resignation on Monday.  So basically I broke up with my work and got back together with them the next day- well next business day.  Something about becoming a mom has made me incredibly messy. Not that I was controlled and perfect before- but now I can't even pretend I have it together if I really don't!  It's freeing and frustrating.

It boils down to this- I'm not ready to give up my career, I have it pretty good- a 4 day work week, only 3 of those days L is in daycare, I see him every daycare day at lunch, and this is the STUPIDEST time to quit with D starting out freelancing.  In the next few weeks I will sending in my application to sit for my licensing exam and become a full MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist).  I have been working toward this for a long time.

So in an effort to make working and parenting a little bit more balanced- D and I are going to use some of the income I bring home to have a weekly cleaning service.  This wont solve the loads of diapers or bottle/pump parts I do regularly- cause rally,I doubt a cleaning service wants to wash poopy diapers and clean tiny plastic pieces covered in breast milk...but it will allow me more time with L and D instead of cleaning the rest of the house.

No more work...

I put in my resignation on Friday...what did I do!?!?!

I thought finally putting in my resignation (which wont be till the end of April) would provide me with relief, but instead a whole new set of emotions/concerns/worries have arrived.  I'm processing how much of my identity is formed from the work I do, with the clients and coworkers I do it with.  I worked very hard to get to where I am in my career-a bachelors, a masters, 3000 clinical hours, being ready to sit for my license exams.  I also have pretty great employers with respectable pay (nothing fancy, but far from minimum wage)- and I'm letting it all go...

...To be with my son- thats the part I forget when I sit in the poor me I wont have a job state of mind.  I hope we can make it financially, I hope I can make emotionally, and when I do return to work I hope I find a place I like as much as this job.

It's Been A While

Posts here have been pretty much non-existant.  My lap top seems to have finally died.  Took it to the apple store and the genius bar guy suggested I send it in and said hopefully it will only cost $300- only wouldn't have been the word I used, but yes, if thats the lowest possible price, lets hope.

A lot has been going on around here.  D left his full time job (now works for them per diem) to join the union and go freelance. So far it's been great, he is working every week day, making more money, and just enjoying what he does much more.  Currently he is working on the film shooting in SF and Oakland about Hemingway- staring Clive Owen, Nicole Kidman, and a few more recognizable stars that I can't think of at the moment.  Yes, he has seen them shooting scenes and talked with a few famous people.

This change in D's work has led us to discuss when/if I can stop working and take care of L full time.  There is a part of me that fights this and can't imagine only being a mom- there's that word again.  But really, having done that on my maternity leave I know that it is absolutely a full time job and only is the worst word to describe it.  This has also got us thinking about when/where we want to move. We are currently located where neither of us feel is a forever home.  My head has been spinning with thoughts about renting/selling/moving/buying/planning- it's more then a little overwhelming with pets and kids.

Yesterday we went to the East Bay and L was being adorable so we took a billion pictures of him.  Here are a few...

Hindsight

I wish I had known how much I would love being a mom and want to devote my full self to doing this.  I would have made very different choices about school, career, and money management.  Yes, this a post where I whine that I do not stay home with my amazing son.  Although I love aspects of my job, have moments where I feel good about the work I do, adore many of my coworkers- the passion and drive to be there is gone.  I find myself angry, inconvenienced, and just resentful at work and at home while I do those wonderful things working moms do (washing a billion bottles/pump parts, packing diapers, lugging back and forth the daycare necessities...and the commuting).  I'm burnt out- all my reserves are being used to go do my job, there's not enough left to be the mom I want to be.

I imagine I would get some feedback about focusing on the positives, or creating better self care- self care is a joke when you're a mom, at least compared to the freedom that existed before.  I do everything in my power to get good sleep (short of sending my son away- of course not an option), I exercise (how I have kept this Couch to 5K thing up and am in week 4 is beyond me)....

Last night when I came home I forgot to put the bottles of milk I pumped at work in the fridge- I remembered in the morning.  This is one incident in a long line of incidents that show I am not keeping up with everything on my plate.  So I sit here pumping on a Saturday hoping to make enough milk for Monday- the freezer stash wont last forever.

Something's gotta give...

The Life of A Breastfeeding Working Mom

Worst Weekend

I feel like a bad mother...

With all thats happened health wise since L started daycare, I think I'm not being the best mother I can be.  This is something I feel- in my heart, in my core- it's primitive.  Yes it responsible to return to work so we can continue to pay our mortgage and live the same lifestyle we do, but mortgages/money/jobs mean nothing to our most primitive selves.

I wrote about L's changes in nursing just the other day.  Now I am starting to think it's less of a change in how he nurses and more of a reaction to being sick- yet again.  It started friday, I went tot nurse him on my lunch and he barely latched on.  I ended up leaving early so I could pump before conducting group therapy for 90 min.  I pumped over 6 ounces- meaning L barely ate.   That night L went down to sleep really easily in the cosleeper- this was shocking, but something didn't feel right.  I didn't know what at the time, but I just wasn't enthused he could fall asleep on his own (which is something we have been working toward). Yesterday he continued barely eating, barely nursing- I tried bottles too.  I was engorged so I had to pump.  Last night again, he fell asleep in the cosleeper, nursed a little throughout he night- but was not his usual self.  Today it just got worse, he ate even less, I pumped to maintain supply. L's fever returned, though not a high fever, L was whining in pain so we gave him tylenol.  He has ben very tired, napping much more then usual and just falling asleep without his usual protest.  He has a Dr. appt first thing tomorrow morning (assuming nothing changes that makes us have to go the the ER).

I'm feeling very emotional about him not wanting to nurse, though I don't believe he is trying to wean since he barely takes a bottle too.  In the month L has been in daycare he hasn't been healthy.  It feels like this is his way of communicating to me it's not a good fit.

Things are happening...

L is making all kinds of growth and changes- he is actually sleeping/napping in the cosleeper for a significant chunk of time.  Now last night he wasn't having it and ended up in bed on the boob, but right now as I type he has been asleep in the cosleeper for almost two hours!  It's made me rethink needing/wanting a baby monitor.  Our house isn't very large but it would give me more peace of mind- I would be able to close the door and make more noise around the house without the fear that I'm missing his cries.

Here's a picture of L waking up from his long nap the other day, all smiles!

But about daycare and returning to work, I'm very conflicted.  A part of me feels excited to tackle this challenge and use my none mommy brain throughout the day- but the other, very large, part of me just wants to be with L.  Daycare has been difficult, I still cry when I leave him, and even sometimes on my lunches when I go nurse him.  I had a very difficult time when I was there nursing L on my lunch and a little 3 month old baby was crying by herself (it wasn't that the staff were ignoring her, but she refuses bottles and they had to put her down for a bit to tend to other kids- diaper changes and all).  I sat there nursing L, tears running down my face just imagining him crying by himself and not being able to console him.  Then there's the issue of possible crying it out happening for naps- well not just leaving him to cry, but patting his back till he sleeps.  I do adore the daycare staff and L is happy there, he smiles and coos at the ladies who care for him- but it's not me caring for him and that kills me.  They say it gets easier over time after you head back to work- so far one week in and it's just getting harder.

Pumping at work has been ok...but the nature of my job can always interfere- I get to talking about client issues with my supervisor and it eats into my pumping time.  Also, I do not have a lock on my door- just a sign that reads DO NOT ENTER and a door stop that doesn't actually prevent the door form opening but it slows it down.  I am going to try to use a locked room this coming week.  Having the mini fridge is  a big time saver and stress reducer- definitely a good purchase.  I think the worst part about pumping is all the maintenance- packing parts, cleaning parts, lugging around pump, transporting milk/coolers/bottles...one week in and it's already getting old.

Wasn't So Bad...

(source captain d-wrecks quaters)

I did it, I went back to work.  I was super emotional this morning when I dropped off L.  I cried at work a bunch too...but thats ok when you work as a therapist (with mostly other mothers/fathers) and everyone is supportive and just think it's normal and appropriate to have a moment (or a few) throughout the day.  There are many new things to learn, new clients to build rapport with- definitely like going to a new job.  Pumping went much better today, so I have a new found confidence that I will be able to keep exclusively breastfeeding.

Hardest part of the day: When a client had her 5 month old son in group....L is 4 1/2 months and this little boy was making noises that L makes, and I could barely concentrate.  Also just talking about L, brought up all the emotions- I did best when I was distracted by work stuff.

I don't work tomorrow so for breakfast we will be making this.

We Survived!

We made it through day 1 of daycare- it actually went fairly smooth.  I cried when living him and when we came by to nurse him.  He was asleep in their crib- it was sad to see my baby in a crib that wasn't his own/in our home, but I was also so proud of him for being such a bug boy and sleeping so well.  It was cool to see 3 other babies are being cloth diapered.  Pumping didn't go as well- as in I didn't pump as much as L will need.  Hopefully thats due to stress and lack of sleep.

D and I saw The Fighter- really great film.  I wasn't really expecting/excited to see a film about addiction...I wanted to get my mind off work, but it was so well done.   I plan on getting a copy for work- it does a realistic and hilarious job of portraying the family dynamics of addiction.

I'm exhausted so I'm heading to bed early so I can be ready for tomorrow- real work.

Here is L chewing his Sophie after we picked him up.

I'm a Wimp

Countdown...

2 days till work
1 day till L starts daycare

Lets just say I'm freaking out a little bit.  I'm naturally a pretty anxious person, add in 4 1/2 months of maternity leave ending, my precious baby starting daycare, and just a sense of chaos at home (not relationship wise, just organization/cleanliness) and I'm a rattled mess.  I have no idea how I will adjust to this new schedule, I haven't been very disciplined about sleep training myself- I woke up at noon yesterday after falling asleep after 2am.  I will have to wake up around 5:30 tomorrow for our "dry run".  

The plan is to prep everything I can the night before (L's daycare stuff, outfit for the next day, bottles, pump stuff, work stuff, my outfit, etc).  D has this week off so he will be there to help out.

The Plan


5:30   wake up, nurse L in bed
         shower
         get dressed
         pump (hopefully I wont have to do morning pumps, but I will till I know)
         eat breakfast
         get L ready
         nurse
7:00   leave 
         commute is 30-45 min
         drop L off at Daycare (we will be hanging out a bit since it's the first day)
         drive to my work to test the route
         occupy ourselves near the daycare (go to breakfast, window shop, run errands)
9:00   pump (this will be around the time I will pump at work)
         occupy ourselves near the daycare
12:00 go nurse L (I plan to go to his daycare and nurse him on my lunches)
         occupy ourselves near the daycare
3:00  pump
        FINALLY pick up our bear bear.

Then Tuesday is a whole other ball game- instead of pretend work, I will go to real work.  I'm more then a little nervous about returning as a lot of things changed.  Right when I was leaving we were converting to an all electronic system- new scheduling, new charting...basically like going to a new job that has a different system/structure.  Also, most of the clients will be new, and even my coworkers have changed.  I expect to be learning the ropes for the first couples weeks.  And my job isn't a job that allows for being distant or preoccupied- I'm a therapist, being present is part of what I should do.  To make matters more emotional, I work in a program for women with children and the children participate with the mothers- so I will be reminded of L constantly.

I think I need to give myself a stern pep talk...but right now I'm just wallowing in being a wimp.

Oh and I changed the blog design a little- I'm still learning how to personalize things so expect changes.

Resources I have found helpful for moms returning to work:

Work and Pump- Great website, specifically this page.
Kelly Mom- obviously a great help

Oh What A Day!

Countdown 7 days till I return to work...

Since my maternity leave is soon ending and D is now off work with me, I have had glorious plans to maximize our family fun.  Today was supposed to be the highlight; every first Tuesday of the month is free museum day in SF (De Young, Legion of Honor, MOMA are all free).  We especially wanted to go to the De Young because many of the art from the Musee D'Orsay are being displayed.  When we were in Paris it was by far our favorite museum, and who doesn't love post-impressionist paintings.  I hoped we could make it to both the De Young and the MOMA, D knew better.

The day started off alright; D went to the dentist, I pumped a hefty bottle to save for another day, and got L dressed.  We fixed ourselves up and left before noon, but soon found ourselves stuck in traffic.  Fortunately D knew a back way so we kept driving on side roads.  L had been great all morning but decided to turn down the charm on the ride.  We made one stop to nurse and change diapers- the crying/screaming hadn't rattle us too much and we were still in good spirits.  We arrived in the city, and made our way to the De Young only to find out the Orsay display wasn't free like the rest of the museum, and we wouldn't even be able to buy a ticket, it was sold out.  Major bummer!  At this point we were hungry so we stopped by the museum restaurant and ordered some food.  L was being such a cutie!  He was flirting with strangers at the next table, smiling up a storm, I saw many babywearing moms- our order was forgotten but came quickly after D went up to the kitchen to ask about it.

D and I decided to leave the De Young without even walking around (we had been many times before) and go to the Legion of Honor for their Japanesque display.  I think this is the point where L decided he was done.  L fussed in the ergo, I changed him, held him, nursed him...still fussing.  D took him for a bit in the ergo to see if he just needed to sleep (he has a hard time falling asleep while I where him, he only wants to nurse to sleep).  After pulling out all our tricks and still getting a fussing baby, we left the museum feeling a little defeated.  Yes, we went to two museums, but we didn't really absorb any of the art at either one.  Funny though- as soon as we get outside away from building, L falls asleep.

Then the day/evening just gets worse.  We attempt to eat dinner at Magnolias- L was so not having it.  It was loud, he was over tired, over stimulated, hungry, and just fed up with our plans.  D changed him, I nursed him, and as soon as our food arrived we asked for it to go.  I took L outside and he instantly settled.  What is it about being outdoors that calms him, I don't know exactly....I have always found it more peaceful though.  So there we were at the intersection of Haight and Masonic (not a calm or quiet intersection by any means), and L just seemed like his happy self.  We get to the car, planing to eat on the ride home (no utensils needed) and L lost it.  For a while L has decided he no longer likes being buckled into his car seat, and usually takes a bit to calm down in the car.  Tonight however, he went crazy!  The poor little guy was so distressed, screaming, no screeching, in the back seat.  I hooped back there, D sang to him, tears rolling down L's face- we pulled over.  I nursed him for quite a while.  It was one of those nursing sessions where he is still choking back tears for the first minute, then he is gulping it down like he hadn't eaten in a day, and finally is out asleep- at peace.  I put him back int he car seat (hey, we have to get home somehow!) and the crying starts again!  Luckily some singing, lullaby pandora station, and the motion of the car help him fall asleep.

Oh What A Day!!!  It was an adventure to say the least. We are all thoroughly exhausted, but hey, we got some cute photos.