They grow so fast

Life with 2 kids is survival. Some days, mostly moments I think we have finally got this, but more often I think we are failing/drowning.  Over this last weekend we had a few successes such as clearing out some of the garage, taking some cute pics of the kids with a real camera- not an iPhone, finishing laundry (oh there's a new batch to be done), having a few minutes of adult talk.  But then we had two big boo boos- E bumped the back of her head and got her first boo boo.  Nothing major, but still so sad to see her cry.  L had a pretty intense boo boo- he got a gash on his forehead from running straight into the corner of our counter- the smack was so loud, he was immediately on the floor with blood gushing out.  Fortunately the bleeding stopped and he acts like it's barely there any more.

I'm doubting we will ever find a rhythm with 2 kids- but logic tells me we will.  E is so easy, just a normal newborn needing to be nursed, changed, and cuddled- but sleeps so nicely and enjoys being put down and just talked to.  L is still very intense and needs so much from me, he is always asking, "mama, will you play with me?"  It's in the sweetest voice, so darling and innocent- but I can't always play with him.  So I tell him, "soon", "after I feed your sister", "not right now".  And I feel guilty.  But sometimes he doesn't accept those answers and he screams- a horrible scream, and I just wish he would go away and leave me alone to care for the newborn that can't care herself.....and then I feel guilty.  Sometimes I look down at E after jostling her a little too much to navigate preparing Ls snack or rush into the room to check on him..and I see a sad little face thats saying, "mommy be more gentle"...this makes me sad and guilty.

Having two is hard- makes having one seem like nothing (well if the one was easy like E...L was not nothing as a newborn!).  I compare them a lot like that, easy versus hard- I am just so amazed by the difference in intensity, needs, temperament, and sleep/eat/diaper habits.  I wonder if having E by VBAC has impacted her in positive ways, I wonder if me being dairy free right away has helped prevent so many of Ls gassy tummy problems.  Or maybe it's just their personalities....whatever it is I am amazed daily by this.  As I look through the pictures I am also amazed by how different they look from each other.

Bedtime is such a sh*t show at our house- L just wont fall asleep quickly or without our help- for a while he was asking for me only- so if I needed to feed E he would fall apart....day time I can survive alone, bedtime is a two person job so my mom or D have had to come by.  I hope we can find some solutions to bedtime soon.

But the point of this post- they grow so fast!

"Innocent"

We are officially weaning and it's making me a little sad/mopey.  Yay for hormone changes!

Right now L is only being nursed in the morning.  We decided to cut out all night time nursing first because we think it will help him sleep and also be able to soothed by someone else besides me (like daddy).  He seriously wakes up and cries and screams "booby!".

In other news I'm really struggling with L's behavior towards other children- he basically hates them/fears them/hits them.  And I know it's not out of aggression or rage- it's so clearly because he is fearful and mistrusting of other kids.  This makes me incredibly sad- I wish my little baby could have a few more months/years of being truly "innocent".  I don't think he should have to be so weary and cautious of new situations/people this young.  It's hard for me not to wonder how this temperament and these traits will evolve as he grows.  And I wish everyone would stop telling me how "normal" his behavior is...because where are all these other supposed "normal" kids.  I have probably seen one or two children act like L- out of A LOT.  Maybe their moms never bring them out because their kids hit and it's too much.

L had his early well baby Dr visit today.  We are so lucky and I randomly picked a great pediatrician.  L is also still growing along the same curve except in height.  He had a huge gain in height and is now in the 94th percentile (usually was hovering around the 50th).  L did whack a girl in the waiting room with his toy bus...I can't help but feel bad for the other kids he hits because he was so impacted by being hit.

It is what it is....

Today I am sleep deprived- L really doesn't like going to sleep with me any more.  We still walk him down or nurse him down and lately the nursing isn't working very well and the walking only works if it's someone besides me!  So from 3am till 6:30am L and I were in a battle.  I tried walking him down and he was practically asleep and then just picks his head up and starts chatting away wide awake...nursing provided the same result, threats of sleeping alone in his room made him pretend to sleep for 1 minute then wake up again.

Finally out of sheer exhaustion I said he was going to bed and placed him in his bed, walked out of his room, and shut the door.  I wasn't even 2 feet away from his door when I heard his thumping run and then him smashing into the door screaming "mama!".  I didn't go in right away, but then it sounded like he was banging his head so I went in.  Finally after doing this dance for 3 and half hours, L fell asleep nursing.

I despise nights alone with L- if D is home and L wakes up, D brings him to the bed and L nurses for a bit.  Sometimes we all fall back asleep and cosleep for the night.  Usually however, I can't sleep while nursing so I stay awake till L has had both breasts and seems just about back to sleep.  Then I ask D to move him to his bed.  Sometimes D has to walk for a few minutes-  yes a few minutes.  If I were to pick L up to transfer him back to the bed he would wake up- I have tried and it happens every time so we just stopped.

I feel like screaming WTF!  How did L turn out like this!!?!  Not many other kids are this difficult to put to sleep and keep asleep at this age- or maybe they are but it definitely isn't the norm.  I'm sure D and I could have cried it out with L when he was younger, but I still stand by our decision not to.  Today my mom watched L so I could rest stress about my work alone.  She got him to fall asleep in her bed- she said it took 45 min.  She is coming over to tell me how it was done.  I suspect it included numerous redirecting back in the bed, music, iphone games, and tv.  We will see and try it here tonight.  But it definitely means L needs a real bed so we can lay with him till he falls asleep.  And then there's always the wondering if he will fall asleep for everyone but me.

L has been increasingly sensitive to my tone of voice and mood- if I even pretend to be upset he gets upset.  So I just say "mommy's ok" to reassure him.  Well during lasts nights madness my tone was not sweet and patient, but was stern and pretty pissed.  L kept saying "mommy ok" in the sweetest little voice ever....it melted my heart.

In good news- we found a wonderful preschool thanks to the recommendation of our neighbor.  It's parent participation, but nothing too demanding.  My practice is picking up but it is also a constant source fo stress- marketing is draining, I worry about money, I worry about how good of a therapist I am- it's been hard returning to this work after such a long time mainly just chatting with babies/toddlers/dogs.  This weekend my in laws begin the move out of their home of over 30 years- D was born and raised in one house...he is handling it rather well.

I really want/need a little vacation- away from technology that connects to me to my work, where I can sleep uninterrupted, spend relaxing time with my husband.....probably not in the budget for a while.

Hitting and the word "NO"

Today started off great- L was in a good mood, he asked me to put on Jillian Michaels (this kid is so supportive of my exercising)- and he ate well, showered well, and we were off to Little Gym.

When we got there it was a different story- he started looking at other kids and saying "No" and going to hit them.  When we were in the beginning circle and trying to "share" a bean bag L was the only one who refused to hand it off and the whole time tantrumed to get it back.  This continued to the point of me being so embarrassed and frustrated that I took him out to the waiting area to see if he was hungry.  he said he wanted a banana but refused to eat it and kept picking up chairs claiming they were "broken"- they weren't.  Finally I decided lets just leave.

I hate this feeling- like my kid is the only one who hits and frowns at other kids while saying "NO". Or at least he is the only kid in that class/playdate/visit.  I have no clue how best to redirect/correct this behavior.  I do know that he was tired today at Little Gym and I have seen him being hungry trigger this.

I think D and I intervene appropriately- at least everything I have read is exactly what we do...except L probably sees a lot of redirecting our dog which isn't great.  Obviously we don't hit our dog, but we do say "no" to her a lot, or "off".  And we do for lack of better words- tap/push her to redirect if she is jumping on someone or about to grab food.  Obviously not hard, but in the way that you learn at dog training classes.  I might have to get creative with how to redirect our dog.

Also- L never hit till he was with his uncle (who is 5 months older).  His uncle hit him several times and L was very upset.  He also was picked on by a boy in our old moms group.  After those incidents I noticed that instead of welcoming peers to be close to him, he started frowning and lashing out.  It was almost as if he no longer trusted other kids and needed to protect himself.

Now if only I could let go and believe this is normal toddler behavior so I didn't feel like a horrible mom...

The face of little gym

L started little gym three weeks ago- he adores it.  Last week was a bit of a dud due to a little boy- obviously on the older end of the age allowance for L's class- picked on L three different times.  Twice L cried.  The first time he blew the other kid off, the second time he cried a bit since his ball was snatched from his hands, and the third time he cried because the kid knock into him super hard causing him to fall over and then took L's balls.  This caused me to mutter to D, "that kid's an asshole".  Another mom overheard and since then we seemed to have hit it off, so I am assuming she felt the same way.  This older boy didn't only pick on L either- he made three different kids cry during the bubble play time.  After the class D looks at L and says, "is he getting a black eye?"  I couldn't believe that it would form that quickly- but sure enough, the older kid had smacked into L's head hard enough to cause a mild black eye.

Now you may have noticed something missing from the story above- no mention of the older boy's mom. Well his mom doesn't come to the gym, but his grandmother does- and the whole time she didn't see a single thing, and never once redirected her grandson because she basically wasn't watching him- chatting it up with another mom.  The teacher had to step in and "play" with the older boy to keep him occupied so the littler ones could play safely.

I went there this week ready to confront the grandmother if she was that checked out again- but I was pleased to find that he was now in the older kids class before L's.  It made sense- he was obviously too "advanced", "big", whatever you want to call it for the little kids- and I bet if he tried to steal balls from kids his own age they would have a different reaction then crying.

So here is L- with his little gym face he made for daddy who wasn't able to come to this one due to work.

Bad Associations

In our home D is the night time parent- well I still do the nursing at night (usually just once...usually) but he puts L down however many times needed.  But D isn't always here or his schedule is such that he can't be on night time duty.  And thats a problem.  D has become the go to parent in the evening because L does better with him- maybe it's the lack of boob or the calm of daddy- but L will fall asleep much faster with D.  Initially L freaks out when he realizes it's time for bed and momma is doing a warm hand off.  It's actually pretty hilarious/predictable to see happy go lucky L instantly flip into angry L when dada walks in the room wearing the boba.  But very quickly he settles and goes to sleep.

Now D is gone some nights or works very late- and I am on duty.  I really dislike those nights.  Ever since we moved L has had an even harder time going to sleep for me.  We nurse, we walk, we rock, we talk- sometimes it feels as though nothing works.  The other night after several wakings and a 2 hr attempt at getting him back down I put L in his crib.  And the sam,e thing happened that always does- L screamed, and cried, and begged for mama.  I was exhausted and even with hearing his distress was more relaxed laying in my own bed...but only for about 20 minutes.  The crying didn't stop and L was very upset.  So I scooped him up and brought him into my bed.  L nursed his frustrations away but I was sore and done with being a human pacifier so I popped him off.  He started to protest and I said- "do you want to go in the crib?"  He shook his head and said "no".  So I replied, "then go to sleep".   I rolled over and HE WENT TO SLEEP!  This may sound like no biggie- but this is a child who has never (except when ill with a fever) gone to sleep in a bed while not nursing.

Ok so this is great news and I'm a horrible parent- the great news is he self soothed enough to get to sleep and he understood the concept of crib or sleep.  But the horrible part is now the crib is a bad associations, it's a punishment, or a consequence of not going to sleep.  And the worse part is I have used it again to get him to fall asleep (didn't work as well the second time).  I think when the time come we will have to do a real bed (not use his crib in toddler bed mode) to get him to sleep in his room...

Toddler Eating

Feeding toddlers is not an easy feat.  I guess most toddlers are picky and finicky about their food preferences- loving something for a few days and eating only that- then turning around and not being able to stand it.  L is becoming a pickier eater and acts like he doesn't want anything sometimes. There are instances when I try up to 10 different foods before he takes a few bites- if he weren't still nursing I would worry about vitamins/nutrients.  Sadly, distractions- like sesame street- seem to help with eating.  It's almost like he forgets to be resistant and picky and just eats.

Today L has been offered- eggs, avocado, sweet potatoes, grapes, pasta, cherry tomatoes, apple sauce, coconut water, primeval bars from trader joes (basically a raisin bagel), and chicken...he picked at a little bit of it but I wouldn't say he had a full meal.  He did enjoy playing with his food though.  I think part of makes this phase so frustrating is that I usually end up eating more because of not wanting to waste food....

Mommy stressors

When does it get less embarrassing/stressful when your kid isn't exactly nice to other kids?  L is a sensitive little sweetie, but a lot of times his behaviors are aggressive with other babies and even older kids.  We went to D's friends housewarming and they have a daughter a little over a month older then L.  She was freaking adorable, and so polite, gentle, sweet.  Upon arriving L made sure she knew not to F with him- he took all the toys she was playing with, pushed her, tried to dismantle their fireplace gate, and eventually pushed her off a riding toy onto the ground.  She fell backwards and may have gotten a bump on the concrete.  I was super on him when we were there- like a hovering helicopter.  It felt stressful and annoying, but I didn't want him to injure their daughter or himself.  The moment I decided to step back and let them sort things out themselves- gotta learn some time right?  Thats when L knocks her over- she was crying- and I felt pretty mortified.

I need to stop comparing L to other kids- but it's hard not to notice such drastic differences (especially between girls who are- in general- more gentle and cautious).  But in other happenings around here- L is sleeping like a champ!!!!!

I think he is finally getting it.  Usually for day time naps we time an outing so that he can fall asleep in the car on the way home and then we transfer him to the crib (something we used to not be able to do).  Then for night time we walk or nurse him down- like we always have.  But then something amazing happens.  He will usually wake up once, maybe twice before 11pm (goes to sleep around 7:30pm).  He either goes back down easily or needs some boob and then goes right back down- and get this- HE SLEEPS ALL THE WAY TILL MORNING!!!  Usually he wakes up around 6am, but we will take it!  It's been so nice to get full chunks of sleep.  There has been a major decrease in testiness around our home that I'm sure has to do with us all finally getting some real sleep.

And have I mentioned he is a genius?  It's amazing to se him understanding archetypes- for example he knows what a moon is, so he can spot it no matter what (full moon, half moon, picture, real life, drawing, etc).  This applies to so many things.  D and I were playing with him the other night and he blew us away with naming things correctly.

In the trenches...

Thats where I am right now- L has been cutting his first molars and it's rough.

We also decided to attempt night weaning because he was waking up 3-5 times a night to nurse and sleep in our bed.  As much as I believe in the benefits of co-sleeping and love having L close- I don't enjoy it very much because I don't sleep well and end up in very uncomfortable positions.  Plus in 1 month L fell off our bed twice.  He had never fallen off the bed in 13 months, then bam, TWICE.  And the last time was bad!  Poor guy had a fat lip.  So we decided to loosely follow Jay Gordon's night weaning plan.  Our goal was to not nurse or bring L into our bed between the hours of 11pm and 6am.  Before of after that he could nurse and cuddle in our bed.   But between those hours we would walk him or rock him back to sleep and place him in his crib.

Of course right when we start this L starts cutting molars.  So we have caved in a few nights and nursed/co-slept- because honestly it was a night where nothing worked (actually even nursing and our bed didn't help till the tylenol started working).  Last night was one of those nights...

L went to bed around 7:30, but awoke at 9, then at 10, then again at 10:30.  Fortunately all those times were easy to put him back down.  Then he woke up at 12 and D went in to put him back down and L was inconsolable.  It's so frustrating when this happens- it's supposed to be a time when D steps in and I get to stay asleep.  But then I just lay in bed extremely stressed and upset because I hear L screaming his head off- so no sleep for me.  Last night I was not having it and even screamed out some overly dramatic statement about ending my life because this was absolute torture.  It really does begin to feel like torture when awoken so many times a night to a screaming child.  So I helped D give L Tylenol and we tried the oragel (but L hate it so I doubt we got it on his gums).  Then we brought out the big stops- a cup of water.  When nothing else works L instantly clams down when he can put a hand in a cup of water- he should have been born in the water.  D was able to walk him down after all that.

We are just exhausted over here.  I have never been a great sleeper (yes, I'm sure L gets it from me), D lays his head on the pillow and falls asleep instantly.  Even as a small child I appeared to be an insomniac.  It takes me a while to settle in at night, quiet my mind, calm my body, and actually fall asleep.   So if I am waking up several times, I am also having to re-acclimate myself to falling sleep each time.  It's a frustrating process and I hope that once these molars come in our night weaning plan will bring us some benefits.

A portal into my mind

My anxiety really flourishes in times of growth, challenge, and desire.  And lately my self care has been suffering; eating shitty food, exercising less (still doing it but with a shitty attitude), wasting time worrying and planning- the end result being some sort of motivation paralysis...

I have my first licensing exam coming up and I think it's the main culprit to me delving into some poor health practices.  I am remembering what a mess I was during school- which is a breeding ground for anxiety...

So I have this exam coming up and it's a big deal- but not such a big deal that I could not reschedule it or even re-take it if needed.  But it's also a big deal in my mind because I am already trying to figure out what it means when I have passed both exams- private practice, part time job and private practice, no job, job.  Then this sets off the thoughts about where should we live- if I do my practice should I move to a more affluent city, if I work should I be closer to my mom so she can help with L, can we even afford to think about this...

And then lets add some good old hormones to this mix...

I want another baby.  Sure I always said I wanted more then one child, sure I always said I wanted a sibling for L- but not until recently has my heart/brain practically demanded it!  It's a funny thing- the desire to have kids- it's very obsessive, overpowering, maybe even a little debilitating.  Clearly when and how it all fits with the other things mentioned is a vast wasteland of analysis...

Oh and did I mention hormones?  Yeah well mine are not in line with any of this- breastfeeding is keeping me infertile (not permanently but for now!).  It's great not having a period, it sucks that I always think I am about to start one, and it really sucks that even when we want to make more babies it wont happen till this changes.

Weaning is totally an option- but not really.  This kid loves the boob!  I love being able to nurse him and I do not want to know what tantrums would look like without boob!  Also the WHO recommends nursing for 2 years at least (my goal I guess).  And this is not the time to make major changes to my body chemistry.  From the short nursing strikes L has had- I know I am very reactive to the hormonal changes that come with decreased and lack of nursing.  So weaning while studying for an exam concern me...and I kind of had this vision of nursing through pregnancy and tandem nursing

Just to top my brain off- financial woes.  When I created my 28 for 28 list I listed several financial goals that I must have been high while making...lets just say making ends meet is the goal now- not awesome savings.

At least I have less of a headache after typing it all out.

Lets Talk About Breasts

(image via pinterest)

Having a baby and breastfeeding has caused me to have a greater appreciation for mine. Although the things that make sexualized breasts appreciated are NOT the same that make feeding  or "working" breasts appreciated....

First, bigger breasts are NOT better for feeding- the size has no impact on milk supply, but can be a pain in the a$$ when trying to feed your newborn (smothering your baby with your boob is not cool).  

Second, the less sensitive the better!  Working breasts go through a lot- scratching, pulling, biting, pinching, needing, suckling, etc....

Third, keeping them hidden and out of reach until needed is your best bet.  Sure, I could put my cleavage on display- but thats just asking for L to start patting them, pulling to expose them, and then tantruming till he gets them.  

Recently I spent some time with a few other nursing moms (with babies 6 months or younger)- when they went to feed their little ones they pulled out a nursing cover and I started to feel uncomfortable about breastfeeding.  I was around other women doing the same thing I do, and instead of feeling liberated and normalized- I felt like there was no way I would whip my breasts out and feed L.   See, we don't use a cover- I tried it when he was really little and it never worked out.  So seeing other women cover up got me questioning whether they would be uncomfortable with me nursing without a cover...and this is a new feeling.  When L was younger and easier to nurse in public and I guess more socially acceptable to nurse- I was fine with it.

And no, I wouldn't deprive L of food just because I felt a little awkward- but now he is almost 14 months, a wriggly distracted nurser, and can get a lot of his nutrition else where.  I am starting to see why many women wean, or at least stop nursing in public...

House Tour

I like to have my home organized, clean, everything in it's place.  This never actually happens, and now that L is very mobile and creative I need to start letting go and just living in the chaos.  I snapped a few photos the other day- yes this is all in one day.

Help?!?!

L learned how to climb on the couch today...

September Loves

Here are a few things I'm loving this month...

Trader Joe's Medjool Dates

I can't believe I never had a date by itself till earlier this week.  They taste like brown sugar and are actually good for you.  L loves them as well- oh and they are super soft and safe for babies.  D and I have been eating Lara bars for a while and have tossed around the idea of making our own (they are expensive!).  Well we finally did last night- following this recipe and they came out- in my opinion- better then the store bought ones.  These bars are going to be our go to baby/mommy/daddy snack from now on.

Bay Area Discovery Museum

D and I took L here a few days ago and I can't decide who had more fun- me, L, or D.  This place is A-MAZING for little kids and it's in beautiful Sausalito with views of the Golden Gate bridge.  So much safe exploring and exposure to nature.  The water was L's favorite and we had to change his clothes because he got so wet from splashing- even though they provided adorable mini aprons.  It's a bit expensive and I am kicking myself now for not getting a membership since I see us going there a lot in the future.

Habitat for Humanity Restore 

One of these opened near us and we wished we could have utilized it during all our renovations.  This will most likely be where we get the cabinets for the laundry room.

Smoothies 

We bought a new blender and I used it 4 times the day it arrived- L and I consume a lot of smoothies.  Our favorites right now: mixed frozen berries, 1 banana, 1 cup of unsweetened coconut milk, 1 handful of kale, 1/4 of an avocado, and a bit of ice or 2 bananas, 1 big spoonful of peanut butter, 1 handful of kale or spinach, 1 cup of almond milk, and a bit of ice. (image via pinterest)



Up All Night

So I know the show hasn't even aired yet but the preview looks hilarious (obviously having just became parents makes this right up our alley).  Bonus- we love Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph.  Really excited to watch it tonight.

Mom Groups

So far I'm really enjoying meeting these moms and kiddos...

Capacity Zone...

I used to use the statement with my clients, "growth occurs when we get out of our comfort zone and into our capacity zone."  Today L and I braved a local moms group.  It's been on my to do list for quite some time, but my anxiety and life has gotten in the way.  We met up at the park near our house- L had a great time.  Everyone was really nice and we are going to some more play dates later this week.

Thoughts

WARNING: I am studying for my exam, prepare for incredibly annoying uses of psych terms...

Last night I couldn't fall asleep- I kept thinking about my old job, how I handled conflicts that came up, the difficult situations I moved through, the way I felt validated by having a higher purpose to help others (deep stuff!).  I think it was displacement and this is why:

Lately L has been FUSSY.  I often read MODG (we both experience what she refers to as dramababy and I refer to as fussy/high needs and her writing is a breathe of fresh air and cussing).  Because I spend 90% of my time with L we are pretty high on the enmeshment scale- when he is happy and joyful, I feel happy and joyful.  But when he is fussy, irritated, crabby, and demanding- I feel that too.  So again, he has been FUSSY and without even realizing it till last night, I have been equating his fussiness with some sort of failure on my part.  Failure of making him happy, failure of soothing him quickly enough, failure of passing on my fussy genes (HA!).  So instead of trying to solve this or even just sit in the feeling of failure- I started daydreaming ruminating about my old job.  I moved from something uncomfortable and unknown to something previously conquered and safer.


Eventually I drifted off to sleep- after L woke up and nursed (thank you breastfeeding hormones!).  I stared at him a little before I actually fell asleep- he looked so peaceful, and I decided I will work on noticing those moments of peace and joy in him.  Classic CBT work allowing myself to observe and take note of the positive instead of the "negative".  I may also be re-igniting my love of psychology/counseling...

Why I can't...

I can't do cry-it-out or any form of it with L.  Yes, we still struggle to get enough sleep around here, L comes into our bed every night, nurses multiple times throughout the night, and gets worn down by D at night.  But I can't believe that when L cries it isn't him communicating that he needs something- usually me.  And because I believe this, I can't ignore his cries.  I fear doing so will teach him that his communication is useless and wont be heard.  I don't want him to ever stop crying if he is still in need.  I know that sounds crazy, and at moments I feel on the brink of be willing to do anything to get him to calm down- but thats my stuff, not his.  L shouldn't have to put up with me being burnt out just yet- he is still a baby, and needs to be nurtured not hardened.

But just because I can't do it, doesn't mean I don't struggle with my decision- it's important to remind myself of why I am not choosing to parent this way- especially when I start to get burnt out or when D asks me "what's next?" as far as putting L to sleep.  So just in perfect timing, I came across this on pinterest (if you don't want to spend more time online do not, I repeat, do not go on pinterest).

"Don't stand unmoving outside the door of a crying baby whose only desire is to touch you.  Go to your baby.  Go to your baby a million times.  Demonstrate that people can be trusted, that the environment can be trusted, that we live in a benign universe." 
                                                                               -Peggy O'Mara

Trapped and Randomness

We put up the gate- one of the many things we have had to do to make it a little easier around here.  L immediately realized he was caged.

And now for randomness...

I have two bug bites- one on each foot- like on he side near the soles.  They are extremely itchy and uncomfortable.  My poor feet have been through a lot, and it shows.  I used to have pretty cute/soft/young feet.  With all the barefooting (it's a Slovak thing), running, pregnancy, and overall abuse I put them through- they are beginning to resemble an older version of themselves.  And lets not even mention the toe injury from hell.  But they have also been pretty reliable- so I guess it's worth having them worn in.  One day I will reward them with a pedicure- until them I will cringe because I want to itch them but know if will only lead to more itching...

Settling in and my theories...

This week L and I have finally begun to settle in to our new routine with me home.  For a while we were attempting to move closer to my family-  but with all the hurdles, the stress, and compromises that would need to be made- we decided now is not the right time.  I huge weight has been lifted since we made this decision- I don't do well with uncertainty- it quite literally increases my blood pressure and I get absolutely miserable.  Oh and having a child makes it even worse- what better justification for allowing oneself to stress then your child?

So a little about our routine- L takes two naps a day, sometimes I think it should be three- but L doesn't agree with that.  He wakes up between 7:00-8:00.  He is an absolute angel in the mornings.  Maybe it's the amount of sleep he gets at night, or that he is just a "morning person"- whatever it is I'll take it!  He nurses, eats some solids, we play, nurses again, and then it's nap time.  This is usually about 2 hrs after he has been up.  Morning naps are a beautiful thing around here.  L goes down fairly easily and stays asleep for 1 1/2 to 2 hrs.  During these naps I get shit done- running, laundry, cleaning, cooking.  Again- I LOVE morning naps.  When L wakes up we nurse, play, eat some solids, and then go out- to the park, for an errand, anywhere- just out.  We come home, nurse, play- and then do the afternoon nap.

Now afternoon naps and bedtime are just not as wonderful as morning naps.  I have a few theories and will probably start to test them.  The first theory is- COFFEE.  I wasn't a coffee drinking till L came along, but now I absolutely thrive off my morning cup- it helps me run, wake up, and just get shit done.  So the theory (yes I used to be an experimental psych major) is that the caffeine effects L by way of breastmilk.  Knowing that it takes a while for drugs (which caffeine is) to enter the system, I assume it takes a little while longer to enter breastmilk.  This means that while I already feel the caffeine when L goes down for the morning nap- it may not have come out in my breastmilk yet.  So non caffeinated baby makes for an easy nap time.  But by the afternoon nap and bedtime- L has been caffeinated.  So when I get the guts to test my theory I will blog about it- but we just aren't ready for that yet.

L goes down for his afternoon nap around 2-4 and usually sleeps for 1 hr.  Then we play, nurse, eat solids, and either go for a walk or get a bath in the sink (L's new favorite thing).  Bedtime happens around 7-9.  At this point I start to get burnt out.  L has a hard time falling asleep at bedtime.  He requires being "worn down" in the ergo.  So I walk around the house (we have a circular path through the house thats great for this mind numbing activity) with the lights off for 15-45 min.  It's not fun.  As I said I start to get burnt out around this time and L is getting heavy- probably over 20 lbs by now.  Now if D is home early enough, he helps out with bedtime- oh I love when he is home early.

All in all it's pretty good to be me right now- I have to say I'm happy.  And now a super cute pic of L & D- shower time.

Happy Mother's Day

The other day I told D-   I don't care if we never celebrate my birthday ever again, as long as we celebrate mothers day-  because that actually matters!  Being a mom is the hardest, most meaningful, and amazing accomplishment of my life.

Last night D and I went to dinner while L spent time with his grandma.  It's the first time I have been out to eat at a nice restaurant- it's been nearly impossible to find good dinning while adhering to the dairy free needs of my little bear.  So we discovered Gather in Berkeley- they offer vegan, gluten free, and meat entrees- something for everyone.  I had a vegan kale caesar salad, a vegan pizza, and the best part- vega carrot cake for dessert.  It was AMAZING, and I can't wait to try more vegan cuisine since it's a guarantee we wont be dealing with dairy.

Leigh at Marvelous Kiddo- one of my favorite blogs- has a mothers day post with beautiful pictures capturing different mommy moments.  Here are a few of my favorite: