Lets Talk About Breasts

(image via pinterest)

Having a baby and breastfeeding has caused me to have a greater appreciation for mine. Although the things that make sexualized breasts appreciated are NOT the same that make feeding  or "working" breasts appreciated....

First, bigger breasts are NOT better for feeding- the size has no impact on milk supply, but can be a pain in the a$$ when trying to feed your newborn (smothering your baby with your boob is not cool).  

Second, the less sensitive the better!  Working breasts go through a lot- scratching, pulling, biting, pinching, needing, suckling, etc....

Third, keeping them hidden and out of reach until needed is your best bet.  Sure, I could put my cleavage on display- but thats just asking for L to start patting them, pulling to expose them, and then tantruming till he gets them.  

Recently I spent some time with a few other nursing moms (with babies 6 months or younger)- when they went to feed their little ones they pulled out a nursing cover and I started to feel uncomfortable about breastfeeding.  I was around other women doing the same thing I do, and instead of feeling liberated and normalized- I felt like there was no way I would whip my breasts out and feed L.   See, we don't use a cover- I tried it when he was really little and it never worked out.  So seeing other women cover up got me questioning whether they would be uncomfortable with me nursing without a cover...and this is a new feeling.  When L was younger and easier to nurse in public and I guess more socially acceptable to nurse- I was fine with it.

And no, I wouldn't deprive L of food just because I felt a little awkward- but now he is almost 14 months, a wriggly distracted nurser, and can get a lot of his nutrition else where.  I am starting to see why many women wean, or at least stop nursing in public...

Emotional

Today hasn't been fun.  Finally had a procedure on my toes for ingrown toenails that came at the end of my pregnancy and 11 months later still would not get better.  I'll spare you the gory details... but it sucked, hurt, and due to a chemical used (Phenol) I have to pump and dump milk for a bit.  How long?  No one can truly answer that, but I read something out about 12 hours and my Dr. recommended something similar so thats what I am doing.  It's frustrating that there isn't enough information about breastfeeding and medications.

The hard part is not being able to nurse L right now.  I didn't think it would bother me so much since its just for half a day, but already I've shed a few tears.  It's hard that I can't comfort him in that way.   Also D has had to be the one to actually dump the pumped milk- it's not in me to throw it out- liquid gold after all.

I put off this procedure for a while- mostly due to my own anxiety.  I actually went to have it done in May but told them at the appointment that I couldn't go through with it and left (even after they tried their best to get me to stay and convince me).  Today when I was brought back in the room I was nervous and had to go pee, I excused myself and the nurse said, "you're coming back right?"  They know me and my fear of medical procedure a little to well over there.  Basically the kicker that got me to finally have this done was getting tired of bloody socks after my runs, constant toe pain, and not being able to wear any shoes but one pair.  

So here I sit, with my feet elevated, watching my mother play with my amazing little boy who I can't nurse.  Yes, I'm having a poor me moment.  But there's some good stuff happening too; D has installed the lighting and fan in the laundry room, as well as all the interior drywall- hopefully he can tape and mud it tonight.  And we mailed out some of L's bday invites (we are only mailing some of the invites, most people are on facebook and that works just as well).

Really!?!?!

Funny annoying thing happened right before L was born- D received a jury summons several days prior to my due date (i think it actually ended up being on L's birth date since he came a few days before the due date).  Fortunately D was able to postpone it.  Then shortly after L was born I received one.  Again, fortunately my county allows for a 1 year postponement if you are a breastfeeding mother.  Well, L will be 1 next month and the kind people over at the court house decided that exactly on L's birthday I should be a juror!  The hope is that I call the night before and don't get called in.  But what if I do?

I am still a breastfeeding mother- but apparently it's only worth an excused summons if the baby is under 1 years old (frustrating to say the least).  The other issue is I now stay at home and care for L myself.  So if I have to go in I will have to pump, store milk, and find someone to watch L.  That all sounds like no fun.  The other issue is that I would should probably not be chosen to be a juror after they do their questioning.  I am a therapist who has worked heavily with the criminal population and do have strong opinions about how to treat addicts and the mentally ill.  

To be continued....

(image via pinterest)

Breastfeeding

This is such an awesome piece about nursing....nursing an older child.   L doesn't seem to be anywhere close to weaning, but it brought some tears up for me.  It also helped me deal with a few nursing resentments that developed today.

Letting Go: A Weaning Story

(image found on Marvelous Kiddo)

Hair cut and dressing for a wedding while nursing...

I decided to cut my long hair.  It was always getting chewed, pulled, drooled on...so I guess I got a "mom" hair cut (much like mom shoes).  I'm not thrilled with it, but I do feel lighter- and I had been in a funk for the last few days.

We are attending a wedding tomorrow and I was struggling with what to wear- casual summer wedding, outdoors, possibly will rain, nursing a 9 month old.  So this is what I came up with.  The dress is amazing for nursing- found at target on clearance- it covers up my usually spilling out chest but still allows for easy access for nursing.  I'm still undecided about the shoes- with possible rain I may wear my fry boots.

Please ignore the giant mess going on our room...

Happy Mother's Day

The other day I told D-   I don't care if we never celebrate my birthday ever again, as long as we celebrate mothers day-  because that actually matters!  Being a mom is the hardest, most meaningful, and amazing accomplishment of my life.

Last night D and I went to dinner while L spent time with his grandma.  It's the first time I have been out to eat at a nice restaurant- it's been nearly impossible to find good dinning while adhering to the dairy free needs of my little bear.  So we discovered Gather in Berkeley- they offer vegan, gluten free, and meat entrees- something for everyone.  I had a vegan kale caesar salad, a vegan pizza, and the best part- vega carrot cake for dessert.  It was AMAZING, and I can't wait to try more vegan cuisine since it's a guarantee we wont be dealing with dairy.

Leigh at Marvelous Kiddo- one of my favorite blogs- has a mothers day post with beautiful pictures capturing different mommy moments.  Here are a few of my favorite:

The Life of A Breastfeeding Working Mom

Changes

My nursing relationship with L has started to change and some of the changes make me a little sad.  L is becoming increasingly aware and interested in everything going on around him and slightly less interested in just nursing.   So many things distract him he now- the dogs, lights, computers, people, noises, even me!  It's caused nursing to be a little difficult, and take a lot longer- but not longer because of feeding time, longer because of redirecting him back to nursing.  I've started to notice he does the majority of his nursing at night when tired and in bed- this isn't great for my sleep though!

He also isn't eating nearly as often as he used to.  In the beginning the constant feedings wore on me (oh the pain of thrush and an enthusiastic eater!), but somewhere along the way I got used to his need to feed all the time and it even became comforting and expected- it was a constant in our relationship.  Now I will assume he is hungry because, well it's been over 3 hours since he last ate- I try to nurse him and he just smiles at me, plays around for a bit, and if I push it- he bites me! Yes, he has two razor sharp teeth right now.  I'm not very fond of L's new way of communicating, but I do get the point pretty quickly. 

These changes have also been bothersome since I seem to have caused an oversupply (this is where you produce significantly more milk then your little one needs).  I eat oatmeal every morning- it tastes good, it's cheap, and I was originally worried about not producing enough when I returned to work.  Oatmeal is supposed to help boost milk production.  I also pump much more milk then L takes at daycare, and I can't just give him bigger bottles since he just spits up when you over feed him- it's pretty wonderful that my little guy lets me know what his needs are.  So my freezer stash continues to grow, and I am very grateful I do not have to worry about not having milk for L when he is at daycare.....now I just have to work on preventing the engorgement and in the end may donate some milk.

Things are happening...

L is making all kinds of growth and changes- he is actually sleeping/napping in the cosleeper for a significant chunk of time.  Now last night he wasn't having it and ended up in bed on the boob, but right now as I type he has been asleep in the cosleeper for almost two hours!  It's made me rethink needing/wanting a baby monitor.  Our house isn't very large but it would give me more peace of mind- I would be able to close the door and make more noise around the house without the fear that I'm missing his cries.

Here's a picture of L waking up from his long nap the other day, all smiles!

But about daycare and returning to work, I'm very conflicted.  A part of me feels excited to tackle this challenge and use my none mommy brain throughout the day- but the other, very large, part of me just wants to be with L.  Daycare has been difficult, I still cry when I leave him, and even sometimes on my lunches when I go nurse him.  I had a very difficult time when I was there nursing L on my lunch and a little 3 month old baby was crying by herself (it wasn't that the staff were ignoring her, but she refuses bottles and they had to put her down for a bit to tend to other kids- diaper changes and all).  I sat there nursing L, tears running down my face just imagining him crying by himself and not being able to console him.  Then there's the issue of possible crying it out happening for naps- well not just leaving him to cry, but patting his back till he sleeps.  I do adore the daycare staff and L is happy there, he smiles and coos at the ladies who care for him- but it's not me caring for him and that kills me.  They say it gets easier over time after you head back to work- so far one week in and it's just getting harder.

Pumping at work has been ok...but the nature of my job can always interfere- I get to talking about client issues with my supervisor and it eats into my pumping time.  Also, I do not have a lock on my door- just a sign that reads DO NOT ENTER and a door stop that doesn't actually prevent the door form opening but it slows it down.  I am going to try to use a locked room this coming week.  Having the mini fridge is  a big time saver and stress reducer- definitely a good purchase.  I think the worst part about pumping is all the maintenance- packing parts, cleaning parts, lugging around pump, transporting milk/coolers/bottles...one week in and it's already getting old.

Art and Breastfeeding

Pieter de Hooch, Woman with Childen in an Interior

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Leigh at Marvelous Kiddo regularly updates her blog with art of breastfeeding. I saw this one at the Legion of Honor.

Feeling Rushed

The holidays are upon us- time has been flying and I just feel rushed.  This morning we had to wake up early to drive D to the train station for work.  This was the first time I had woken L up that early and left the house (good practice for when I return to work).  He actually did great- stirred a little when I first picked up him out of our warm bed, but then fell right asleep once I buckled him in and started driving.  

After dropping D off we came home and I showered while L played in his bouncer- he can now pull the frog that plays music and it's been a great distraction for when I need to shower.  L also decided to poop (for reference we also call the bouncer his poop chair since that always seems to happen when we set him in it).  He had a "blow out" so I was scrambling to rinse/wash the wool cover, and bring in the diapers that were washed last night.  We made it out the door in once piece and headed to a lactation consultant appt.  Although breastfeeding has been going well I am still having some nipple pain and wanted to see if there was something we could do differently.

The LC helped a lot.  She suggested we change a few things and I immediately noticed a difference in the way his latch felt- less pinching.  Then we headed over to the post office to buy stamps (we still hadn't mailed out those beautiful holiday cards).  Now I know going to the post office the monday before Christmas isn't the smartest thing to do, but I wasn't sure where else to go.  We tried to get stamps at stores over the weekend but they were out.  I figured with this rain, it would be better to make one trip then multiple.  The post office was packed, but the line moved quickly.   L flirted with people in line- he has started to make eye contact, smile, and then turn his head into me as if he is bashful.  

After getting the stamps we stopped to make a return and then finally headed home.  L was famished, so once home we nursed in bed and he fell right asleep.  I think I will take a nap too...

More Milk!

Breastfeeding has been going well, I think we finally got through the hurdles.  I still get sore when L uses me as a human pacifier, but it's nothing like when we had thrush.  Pumping my stash has been going well also.  I only pump 1 time per day in the morning and after a month and a half I have over 70 oz in my freezer!  I have also made numerous bottles that were used up instead of frozen when D and I have gone out without L.

I also ordered a mini fridge to take with me to work for pumping in my office.  We don't have a close by fridge that isn't open to the clients in our program- plus it's always extremely full.  I had a gift card for amazon so the fridge cost me $8.  I hope my supply doesn't tank when I return to work.  I already bought some mothers milk tea just in case.

Mother Rooms

Today we did a first solo shopping trip; michael's for some crafts, babies r us for a shower gift, and trader joes for some food. I even remembered to bring reusable bags. I really appreciate the mother rooms at babies r us...it's in the same shopping center as all the other stores. Not that I wouldn't nurse in public or in the car...the rooms are just comfortable.

Blog Love

Beautiful photographs...

At Mother's Breast, photographing the beauty and normalcy of breastfeeding.

Wonderful Sunday

Spent the day in the East Bay at the Botanical Gardens in Tilden Park, then an early dinner in Berkeley.

L was hungry on the way home so we got off the freeway and ended up stopping near this school parking lot with a beautiful view of the sun setting behind the bay and golden gate bridge.  L was not happy being nursed in the car so we got out and walked a bit while nursing in the sunset....

Love this quote:

Got Milk?

Officially started my milk stash and am super proud of the over 2 oz sitting in my freezer!  My goal is to continue to exclusively breastfeed once returning to work.  This means I will be pumping to build up a supply for daycare.  The hope is that the freezer stash is for emergencies and that each day at work I will be able to pump enough for the next day.....really wishing we got 1 year maternity leave like some other countries.  We are not very supportive of nursing here, and so many women quit because of all the barriers.  Breastfeeding is so simply, but not easy!

Not only is maintaining a supply after returning to work difficult or at least a pain in the a**, but the beginning can be tremendously hard.  Breast pain, engorgement, late supply, low supply, no supply, over supply, foremilk/hindmilk imbalance, baby food allergies or sensitivities, baby wont/can't latch, infections (mastitis, thrush), injuries (cracks, blisters), nursing in public criticism, criticism in general, nursing wear issues....the list goes on.

I was lucky, L latched on right away.  We did skin to skin shortly after his birth, and he found the nipple and knew what to do.  But thats where my luck ended.  I have sensitive skin, L has a strong suck (probably most babies do, but I have justify the pain with his being extraordinarily strong), and my nipples were mangled by the time we left the hospital (despite a good latch).  Because of my birth (traumatic and a topic for another time), my milk took about 5 days to come in (usually it's 2-3 days).  Poor L was getting dehydrated on just the colostrum and lost more then the usual amount of weight.  The pediatrician recommend 1 oz of formula after breastfeeding till my milk came in, his words, "we don't want him to dry out too much".  Fortunately I only had to do it for one day (wish I had just waited), my milk came in the next day.  

So my milk was in, things started to improve pain wise, then thrush came.  I had a feeling we would deal with this since I had a lot of the "rick factors" (traumatic birth, nipple injuries, antibiotics (during birth and after), anemia after the birth, taking allergy meds).  To try to prevent this I took probiotics, but it didn't work.  Thrush is pure EVIL, it's not dangerous necessarily, and doesn't bother L.  It does however cause breastfeeding to be excruciating for me.  To make matters worse, it can be very difficult to get rid of, and yes of course ours is difficult to get rid of.  We tried the natural methods, and even some Rx, to no avail.  It's taking a combination of strong Rx and natural stuff to get rid of it....and we are still battling it today, though it's better because of all this info.  I keep saying to D, "having a newborn/breastfeeding/sleep deprivation wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't for this thrush!".  Being in pain almost constantly, and dreading feeding my precious little boy is not fun.  And I have gotten quite a few comments like "just use formula, stop breastfeeding, take a break for a few days".  I am absolutely determined to continue to exclusively breastfeed, and I don't see pain that will get better as a reason to stop.  The best advice that has kept me going, don't quit on a bad day.

L also has a sensitive stomach and we realized that cutting out dairy from my diet helps a lot.  Some babies have a milk protein sensitivity.  This means that when a breast feeding mom eats dairy, the type of protein that gets passed through the breast milk bothers the baby, symptoms can be mild to severe.  L's symptoms were not severe, he was gaining weight nicely, no blood in his poop, no rashes.....but they were bothersome.  We saw improvement pretty quickly once I cut out dairy. 

Now avoiding dairy is much more difficult then one would initially think.  I've come to the conclusion that processed foods are disgusting (but I still indulge in some chex mix and fast food).  Basically there's way too much crap in them that you don't need to make the product. Going dairy free means I can't eat breads/buns/fries/veggies, and so many other things that you wouldn't believe at restaurants/delis/stores.  Why there is milk/whey/butter, etc in all these products doesn't make sense to me, and luckily there are brands that use the simplest recipes.  And I'm still on the look out for a probiotic (for help with the thrush) that wont contain any milk proteins.  It has been nice because we cook a lot more at home, but it is another hassle/barrier in the world of breastfeeding.  

With all the stressors, I still can say I love breastfeeding.  It's a wonderful bonding experience with my son, I love knowing I am giving him the best nutrition/antibodies, I love that 90% of the time nursing solves all of L's fussing, and helps him fall asleep.  

Some resources that I have found invaluable:

Kelly Mom - THE place for breastfeeding info on the web

Dr. Jack Newman's Handouts - Breastfeeding specialist

Dr. Jay Gordon's site - Pediatrician