It's been a while...

I am really slacking on updating this blog, but thats to be expected.  It's much faster paced where we live now, I'm working, L is a handful, and who has time for blogging...

The last few weeks haven't been great.  I found out I was pregnant and then I found out I wasn't any more, all in a matter 4 days.  It was a chemical pregnancy / early miscarriage.  Something I have never experienced before but always heard a about.  We were really excited when we found out I was pregnant, even though a huge part of me didn't believe it or trust it.  But the next day I felt pregnant and began to get a little more excited.  Even still, I kept testing to see if the test line would appear darker- this is something I didn't do with L, and I just knew I was going ot have a baby when I found out with L- this time I didn't.  The test line started to get lighter, and within a couple days was so light that I knew.  I went back and forth with tricking myself into thinking it was only a few days and my hcg levels could still be really low...but I also knew.  And then I got my period.  I'm grateful this happened early and my body handled it the way it should.  I currently have a client who experienced a miscarriage at 12 weeks, very far along and needing medical assistance.  I have to say I was devastated for a few days, but I am ultimately ok.  Obviously hearing about people being pregnant with the same due date I would have had hurts a little, but I don't view this loss as the loss of a baby or child.  I'm sure there are others who read this blog and may feel differently, but I lost some obviously damaged cells- early miscarriages are usually due to non viable eggs/sperm with chromosome abnormalities.

My only concern was that breastfeeding somehow contributed to the miscarriage.  The night after getting a darker positive test and feeling very pregnant, I nursed L.  It was incredibly painful, I was cramping, and feeling very uncomfortable, light headed, almost like mild labor.  So uncomfortable that I had to stop nursing.  The next day my symptoms faded- as did the test result.  I haven't nursed L since, but he also hasn't really asked.

L is getting so much more independent.  We decided to get a family membership to the YMCA- it's close, they have a pool, FREE childcare, lots of free family stuff, and it's affordable!  I was a little worried the first time we took L to their childcare that he would freak out.  My previous experiences of daycare, or just walking away from him to use the bathroom have turned into crying spells.  But he has gone twice and not cried at all!  He calls the place "special grandmas house" because we were told during our tour that during the morning hours the workers are grandmas.  It feels like he is ready to start preschool, and even a little daycare if I need to relieve my mom from always watching him while I work.

Gifts

This is something I will miss about daycare- yes, I quit my job again, for reals this time!  L made me this card, which is hanging up in my office at the moment.

It reads, "I am like a flower thats raised with love by you.  You help me grow up big and strong.  Mom, thanks for all you do!"  I tear up every time I read it.

Just Hanging Out...

With the ladies at daycare.

5 months and 2 days!

The blogging has been slow slow since returning to work....I sorta expected this.  For several reasons we haven't done a 5 month photo shoot (still plan on it eventually), so here is a favorite picture of mine that daddy took.

Almost 1/2 a year has passed since your birth.  This has been a month of firsts; first tooth coming in (boy it's sharp), first sickness (poor baby), starting daycare, squealing in excitement and just to be heard... I'm having a hard time with leaving you to go to work, and since you've gotten sick it makes it even harder.  You are so much fun now, laughing, playing, grabbing at everything!  Today is bittersweet, I'm home with you, but we have a Dr.s appt.  Last night I got a call from daycare while at work saying you had a 102 fever and needed to be picked up.  I about died, this is your first big sickness (last week you had a cough and congestion...yes two illnesses in the 3 weeks at daycare).  Your fever went down but your cough is getting worse and you wheeze when breathing.  I'm hoping the Dr says its nothing and I'm an over reacting first time mom. Nevertheless Daddy is gonna stay with you tomorrow, and Babka will be with you Friday- I think I will have them bring you to me on lunch for some nursing, can't imagine missing out on that connection mid-way through the day.

Love you bear bear!

Things are happening...

L is making all kinds of growth and changes- he is actually sleeping/napping in the cosleeper for a significant chunk of time.  Now last night he wasn't having it and ended up in bed on the boob, but right now as I type he has been asleep in the cosleeper for almost two hours!  It's made me rethink needing/wanting a baby monitor.  Our house isn't very large but it would give me more peace of mind- I would be able to close the door and make more noise around the house without the fear that I'm missing his cries.

Here's a picture of L waking up from his long nap the other day, all smiles!

But about daycare and returning to work, I'm very conflicted.  A part of me feels excited to tackle this challenge and use my none mommy brain throughout the day- but the other, very large, part of me just wants to be with L.  Daycare has been difficult, I still cry when I leave him, and even sometimes on my lunches when I go nurse him.  I had a very difficult time when I was there nursing L on my lunch and a little 3 month old baby was crying by herself (it wasn't that the staff were ignoring her, but she refuses bottles and they had to put her down for a bit to tend to other kids- diaper changes and all).  I sat there nursing L, tears running down my face just imagining him crying by himself and not being able to console him.  Then there's the issue of possible crying it out happening for naps- well not just leaving him to cry, but patting his back till he sleeps.  I do adore the daycare staff and L is happy there, he smiles and coos at the ladies who care for him- but it's not me caring for him and that kills me.  They say it gets easier over time after you head back to work- so far one week in and it's just getting harder.

Pumping at work has been ok...but the nature of my job can always interfere- I get to talking about client issues with my supervisor and it eats into my pumping time.  Also, I do not have a lock on my door- just a sign that reads DO NOT ENTER and a door stop that doesn't actually prevent the door form opening but it slows it down.  I am going to try to use a locked room this coming week.  Having the mini fridge is  a big time saver and stress reducer- definitely a good purchase.  I think the worst part about pumping is all the maintenance- packing parts, cleaning parts, lugging around pump, transporting milk/coolers/bottles...one week in and it's already getting old.

Somewhat at Peace

I went to visit L's future daycare again today- dropped off some paperwork, got some a LOT of questions answered.  It was a great visit.  I felt very comfortable with the way the staff spoke with me and interacted with the kids- many of the staff parent like me (breastfeeding, cosleeping, babywearing, attachment parenting, cloth diapering etc).  We chose this daycare because it aligns with our values, no bouncers, swings, jumpers- all hands on.  

When we first arrived a lot of the kids were crying- it was "lunch" time (they feed on demand but said many of the kids get in-sync with their schedule).  The older infants were sitting at their table (all the chairs are booster seats on the floor with a child height table- no highchairs), while the younger infants were awaiting their bottles (they are held and fed in rocking chairs or gliders).  Even though there was crying, I could tell it was just the "I'm hungry feed me" cry, and as soon as each child was situated they turned into peaceful, playful, kiddos.  I instantly felt like L will learn to love being there with all the other children.

While there L started to get fussy and hungry so I sat down and nursed.  I love how when I nurse around other kids/babies they become extremely interested in me and L- maybe they remember being nursed themselves. The daycare is very pro nursing and I plan/hope I can come on my lunches to nurse L.

It's getting closer to D Day...the day I return to work.  Jan 11 2011-the end of maternity leave.  So there will probably be a lot of posts about that process- both the planning/logistical part and the emotional journey part.