Dream House

L got a wonderful surprise today- D and my mom spotted a play house in front of a neighbors home.  They check it out, see the adorable note dictated by Gracie, typed by a parent with an original artist rendition by gracie of the play house (I really should post a picture of it- it's that adorable).  The note read: "You can have my house for free.  I (Gracie age 7) am too big for it now."

It was in excellent condition and not that annoying faded primary colored plastic you often find in used kids outdoor stuff.  So they walked it back to our house.  This is a playhouse that would have cost over $300 new (but this exact model doesn't seem to be available any more).  We would have never purchased it new or any where close to that price, but we are so happy to have gotten it....and for free.  L is pretty happy about it too.

Grateful

I recently learned of a family friends baby who had to have surgery at 8 months- the poor little guy (a twin) kept getting repeated infections with bacteria showing up in his blood.  They tried many rounds of antibiotics and eventually did more investigating to find some abnormalities with his kidneys- one of which wasn't properly connected to the bladder.  He went through a surgery to correct this and is now doing well.  But when I heard this all I could think was how hard, emotional,  scary, and trying that would be for baby, mom, dad, and any loved one.  It made me so grateful that L is and has been healthy- so what if he doesn't sleep well, so what if I had to stop dairy for a while- he is healthy.  The blog world- and the "real" world- is full of families and innocent babies battling some pretty serious stuff- I am so fortunate and lucky to not know what their experiences are truly like.

We are also so fortunate to have the things we have, and the amazing people in our lives- I can be a huge complainer, find a negative in just about anything- but there is no denying that my life, my family's life is good.  In my work I got to hear how difficult many people's baselines could be- and by baseline I mean what they were born into not caused by any behaviors or choices of their own- poverty, abuse of all kinds, addiction, trauma, illness, racism.  Yes some people can strive and overcome such things, but so many never have to- it's something to be grateful for.  I miss working with people who are fighting for something better in their lives- it gives me perspective and it's important work.

D and I just returned from our two nights away from L.  It was nice to get sleep and spend time together like adults, but we were so ready to come home and see L.  In just two days time he has more hair, more energy, says more words, and didn't miss a beat with nursing.  Funny or not- I had my first period (in 26 months!) to deal with on my vacation.  Not exactly how I had envisioned this vacation- but I am glad to know I can nurse and still get pregnant.  I was really starting to think I would be one of those women who had to wean completely.

So Important

I can't watch it without tearing up- this is so important.

A portal into my mind

My anxiety really flourishes in times of growth, challenge, and desire.  And lately my self care has been suffering; eating shitty food, exercising less (still doing it but with a shitty attitude), wasting time worrying and planning- the end result being some sort of motivation paralysis...

I have my first licensing exam coming up and I think it's the main culprit to me delving into some poor health practices.  I am remembering what a mess I was during school- which is a breeding ground for anxiety...

So I have this exam coming up and it's a big deal- but not such a big deal that I could not reschedule it or even re-take it if needed.  But it's also a big deal in my mind because I am already trying to figure out what it means when I have passed both exams- private practice, part time job and private practice, no job, job.  Then this sets off the thoughts about where should we live- if I do my practice should I move to a more affluent city, if I work should I be closer to my mom so she can help with L, can we even afford to think about this...

And then lets add some good old hormones to this mix...

I want another baby.  Sure I always said I wanted more then one child, sure I always said I wanted a sibling for L- but not until recently has my heart/brain practically demanded it!  It's a funny thing- the desire to have kids- it's very obsessive, overpowering, maybe even a little debilitating.  Clearly when and how it all fits with the other things mentioned is a vast wasteland of analysis...

Oh and did I mention hormones?  Yeah well mine are not in line with any of this- breastfeeding is keeping me infertile (not permanently but for now!).  It's great not having a period, it sucks that I always think I am about to start one, and it really sucks that even when we want to make more babies it wont happen till this changes.

Weaning is totally an option- but not really.  This kid loves the boob!  I love being able to nurse him and I do not want to know what tantrums would look like without boob!  Also the WHO recommends nursing for 2 years at least (my goal I guess).  And this is not the time to make major changes to my body chemistry.  From the short nursing strikes L has had- I know I am very reactive to the hormonal changes that come with decreased and lack of nursing.  So weaning while studying for an exam concern me...and I kind of had this vision of nursing through pregnancy and tandem nursing

Just to top my brain off- financial woes.  When I created my 28 for 28 list I listed several financial goals that I must have been high while making...lets just say making ends meet is the goal now- not awesome savings.

At least I have less of a headache after typing it all out.

Arrested Development

Saw these cute images on pinterest.  Arrested Development is probably my favorite show ever and I have re-watched it multiple times.  It was especially helpful to have on quietly in the background during the first few months of constant night nursing a newborn.  We are over the moon about this news.

Seriously!?!

So I started off my morning learning that L's health insurance will cost twice as much as previously thought (and for the most ridiculous reasons that make NO sense- as in he is in a "July billing cycle" and because he was not 12 months in July he is charged the super high newborn to 12 month rate- although he was OVER 12 months when we applied and when coverage started).

I am always so frustrated and saddened by our countries dealings with health care- if you do not have insurance through an employer/school you are basically F*cked!  Unless you are in the poverty level and then you get medi-cal....but don't get me started on how fantastic the system is in KEEPING people at that level. This is a big deal for D and I since we are both planning on working for ourselves (actually when I did work I was only given insurance for me, just L would have cost $1000 a month through my employer).

I realized this morning that the cost of our family health coverage is enough for a second home- now that's RIDICULOUS.  So I immediately start to panic and think about going back to work- but then I would have to factor in the cost of daycare, and the emotional cost.....

This was not a fun way to start the day- arguing with insurance representatives who usually don't know the answers nor have any fault in making the process so terrible.  L hasn't been sleeping well on top of it, and last night was not great.  But after I surrendered to the situation; L and I sat down, played, read some books, and then nursed.  I guess L was a little tired from the commotion this morning and the lack of sleep last night because he fell asleep right there in the bright playroom before 9:30 am.