Cutest

Love her to pieces.  She's almost 1 years old, WTH!

They grow so fast

Life with 2 kids is survival. Some days, mostly moments I think we have finally got this, but more often I think we are failing/drowning.  Over this last weekend we had a few successes such as clearing out some of the garage, taking some cute pics of the kids with a real camera- not an iPhone, finishing laundry (oh there's a new batch to be done), having a few minutes of adult talk.  But then we had two big boo boos- E bumped the back of her head and got her first boo boo.  Nothing major, but still so sad to see her cry.  L had a pretty intense boo boo- he got a gash on his forehead from running straight into the corner of our counter- the smack was so loud, he was immediately on the floor with blood gushing out.  Fortunately the bleeding stopped and he acts like it's barely there any more.

I'm doubting we will ever find a rhythm with 2 kids- but logic tells me we will.  E is so easy, just a normal newborn needing to be nursed, changed, and cuddled- but sleeps so nicely and enjoys being put down and just talked to.  L is still very intense and needs so much from me, he is always asking, "mama, will you play with me?"  It's in the sweetest voice, so darling and innocent- but I can't always play with him.  So I tell him, "soon", "after I feed your sister", "not right now".  And I feel guilty.  But sometimes he doesn't accept those answers and he screams- a horrible scream, and I just wish he would go away and leave me alone to care for the newborn that can't care herself.....and then I feel guilty.  Sometimes I look down at E after jostling her a little too much to navigate preparing Ls snack or rush into the room to check on him..and I see a sad little face thats saying, "mommy be more gentle"...this makes me sad and guilty.

Having two is hard- makes having one seem like nothing (well if the one was easy like E...L was not nothing as a newborn!).  I compare them a lot like that, easy versus hard- I am just so amazed by the difference in intensity, needs, temperament, and sleep/eat/diaper habits.  I wonder if having E by VBAC has impacted her in positive ways, I wonder if me being dairy free right away has helped prevent so many of Ls gassy tummy problems.  Or maybe it's just their personalities....whatever it is I am amazed daily by this.  As I look through the pictures I am also amazed by how different they look from each other.

Bedtime is such a sh*t show at our house- L just wont fall asleep quickly or without our help- for a while he was asking for me only- so if I needed to feed E he would fall apart....day time I can survive alone, bedtime is a two person job so my mom or D have had to come by.  I hope we can find some solutions to bedtime soon.

But the point of this post- they grow so fast!

Bye friend...

I don't know if there is anyone still in my life that would know him by this name, but shmerph (inbucus) passed away today. He was 14 and my first baby. He moved with me at least 15 times (even had a short stay with a friend) and he was a constant while other animals, and people came in and out of my life. I'm incredibly sad but at least he isn't in pain any more.


This came about suddenly- last week he was fine, this week he became more fatigued and then we noticed the struggling to breathe.  The vet was a disappointing experience-I'm not sure if it was because they didn't want to tell me he was basically dying and be sensitive to a desire to keep him alive or if they wanted to milk some money out of me- but they ran $600 worth of tests which came to the conclusion that it's heart failure and possibly cancer.  Meds would only help for a short while and he would still be suffering.  We decided to euthanize him today.  We decided not to be in the room due to the extra cost (which is ridiculous imo), but maybe it was a way for me to avoid my own pain of watching him pass.  We were able to take his body and have created as best we could a grave for him in the front yard.


It's been an emotional few months with our pets- we have gone from a 3 pet family to a 1 pet family- I have no regrets, our dog is in a better home for him, and my cat was old and it was his time.  But it's been hard...


Maybe if I have time I will write Incubus's little life story- or at least the stuff I experienced with him...

Milestones

First, when did my little guy become a toddler!?!?!  He is just walking, or as D calls it "toddling" around the house, motor-boating with his mouth, rearranging our kitchen supplies, playing our piano, and just plain cracking us up!  It's amazing to watch, yet it feels like only yesterday he was learning to roll over.  I have to say I love that I can put him down now and he can stand by himself- this kid is getting heavy!  His 1st birthday is just around the corner and I've heard other mothers share about sadness over the 1st birthday- the loss of their infant, baby, etc...I'm not sad, more excited.

D and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary earlier this week.  We went to Michael Mina's in SF.  The food was awesome- it had been so long since I had enjoyed butter and cream due to L's sensitivity to dairy, that I actually became a little emotional when eating- yes, it was that good!  And L seems to be doing great with small amounts of dairy- no need for cow's milk though, still breastfeeding away.

Yesterday we returned to the city to visit my cousin.  L looked absolutely adorable in his Gap outfit- Gap is killing it with baby clothes right now- if you have a baby/kid check this out.  We grabbed some food at Tartine then had a picnic in Dolores park.  Hopefully my cousin sends over the pictures he took.

My toes are still healing but I have been able to run a few miles.  The Dr. told me about 3 weeks (it's been a week and half) and I can get a  pedicure- that's my light at the end of the tunnel...

11 months!

We are a little late getting to these pictures, but I have to say they are my favorite so far.  You are getting more and more beautiful as you grow.  You officially took two tiny steps unassisted the other day, I know you will be walking soon.  But right now you are satisfied with cruising around, holding onto furniture, and even our hands.  You have seven little chompers, that I can tell- you do not like to let me search around in your mouth- I don't blame you.  You now clap- especially when I say "good job", and wave (but you have interesting timing for your waves- like after we leave somewhere and are getting into the car), and you started having some temper tantrums!  You amazed me the other day by copying something I have done with you (taking your felt tomato toy and putting it on the turning part of your other toy)- it sounds simple, but it showed me just how much you are absorbing and taking in.  Daddy tells me now I have to cuss less.  Food is still one of your favorite things, though like your mom, you love something and can eat it a lot, then get sick of it and don't want it for a while.  It also seems your ability to tolerate dairy is increasing- I have been able to enjoy a small amount of cheese, and you LOVED the goat cheese we let you taste.  Next month you will be a year, time flies.

Love you!!!

Celebrating Remotely

I really wanted to take L to pride in SF this weekend- but with the commute, parking, public transportation, crowds- and no one able to do this with me (I could meet people in SF, but the getting there would be the difficult part with L)- I felt a little unprepared.  Next year for sure!

That didn't stop us from having our own little celebration- from home.  L wore his rainbow babylegs and a rainbow onesie to show his gay pride (his rainbow I <3 daddy onesie was mysteriously missing- double meaning?  yes, thats what made it so perfect).   This pride weekend is bittersweet.  A huge victory in New York, but a reminder of California's failures (prop 8, and the current state of gay rights).  Hopefully this is the beginning of some major national changes-oh, and go NY!!!

Here is L- all tuckered out in his celebratory uniform.

Gifts

This is something I will miss about daycare- yes, I quit my job again, for reals this time!  L made me this card, which is hanging up in my office at the moment.

It reads, "I am like a flower thats raised with love by you.  You help me grow up big and strong.  Mom, thanks for all you do!"  I tear up every time I read it.

Happy Mother's Day

The other day I told D-   I don't care if we never celebrate my birthday ever again, as long as we celebrate mothers day-  because that actually matters!  Being a mom is the hardest, most meaningful, and amazing accomplishment of my life.

Last night D and I went to dinner while L spent time with his grandma.  It's the first time I have been out to eat at a nice restaurant- it's been nearly impossible to find good dinning while adhering to the dairy free needs of my little bear.  So we discovered Gather in Berkeley- they offer vegan, gluten free, and meat entrees- something for everyone.  I had a vegan kale caesar salad, a vegan pizza, and the best part- vega carrot cake for dessert.  It was AMAZING, and I can't wait to try more vegan cuisine since it's a guarantee we wont be dealing with dairy.

Leigh at Marvelous Kiddo- one of my favorite blogs- has a mothers day post with beautiful pictures capturing different mommy moments.  Here are a few of my favorite:

Wordless Wednesday: My Husband

Yes...

This post is how I feel today.  With barely any sleep for the last few nights, today I have managed to get up, shower, nurture & nurse my little sickie, go to his appt, pick up his meds, wash diapers/bottles/pump parts, administer his medicines (begrudgingly...I worry about overmedicating and side effects, but want him to get better/ feel better), utilize this, and wear him down for lots of napping.  Normally this would set me off whining (yes I'm a complainer, its a terrible habit)...

But the weird thing is, as a parent you just deal.

I'm sure the caffeine is helping, but I think the mama bear in you just comes out and rise to the occasion- and because this is my reward...

Baby Hands

Beautiful chubby fingers...so in love with him.

Tonight is D's work holiday party, L and I need to get ready soon- but he's sleeping on the boob and I don't have the heart to wake him.

Love...

This song reminds me of our wedding....the original was our first dance song.