A portal into my mind

My anxiety really flourishes in times of growth, challenge, and desire.  And lately my self care has been suffering; eating shitty food, exercising less (still doing it but with a shitty attitude), wasting time worrying and planning- the end result being some sort of motivation paralysis...

I have my first licensing exam coming up and I think it's the main culprit to me delving into some poor health practices.  I am remembering what a mess I was during school- which is a breeding ground for anxiety...

So I have this exam coming up and it's a big deal- but not such a big deal that I could not reschedule it or even re-take it if needed.  But it's also a big deal in my mind because I am already trying to figure out what it means when I have passed both exams- private practice, part time job and private practice, no job, job.  Then this sets off the thoughts about where should we live- if I do my practice should I move to a more affluent city, if I work should I be closer to my mom so she can help with L, can we even afford to think about this...

And then lets add some good old hormones to this mix...

I want another baby.  Sure I always said I wanted more then one child, sure I always said I wanted a sibling for L- but not until recently has my heart/brain practically demanded it!  It's a funny thing- the desire to have kids- it's very obsessive, overpowering, maybe even a little debilitating.  Clearly when and how it all fits with the other things mentioned is a vast wasteland of analysis...

Oh and did I mention hormones?  Yeah well mine are not in line with any of this- breastfeeding is keeping me infertile (not permanently but for now!).  It's great not having a period, it sucks that I always think I am about to start one, and it really sucks that even when we want to make more babies it wont happen till this changes.

Weaning is totally an option- but not really.  This kid loves the boob!  I love being able to nurse him and I do not want to know what tantrums would look like without boob!  Also the WHO recommends nursing for 2 years at least (my goal I guess).  And this is not the time to make major changes to my body chemistry.  From the short nursing strikes L has had- I know I am very reactive to the hormonal changes that come with decreased and lack of nursing.  So weaning while studying for an exam concern me...and I kind of had this vision of nursing through pregnancy and tandem nursing

Just to top my brain off- financial woes.  When I created my 28 for 28 list I listed several financial goals that I must have been high while making...lets just say making ends meet is the goal now- not awesome savings.

At least I have less of a headache after typing it all out.

Play dates

We hosted a mom group play date last week- L fell asleep so easily after they all left.  Here's a few pics taken by one of the moms...

And here is L- he has become quite the cautious little man when around a lot of new people.  

Seriously!?!

So I started off my morning learning that L's health insurance will cost twice as much as previously thought (and for the most ridiculous reasons that make NO sense- as in he is in a "July billing cycle" and because he was not 12 months in July he is charged the super high newborn to 12 month rate- although he was OVER 12 months when we applied and when coverage started).

I am always so frustrated and saddened by our countries dealings with health care- if you do not have insurance through an employer/school you are basically F*cked!  Unless you are in the poverty level and then you get medi-cal....but don't get me started on how fantastic the system is in KEEPING people at that level. This is a big deal for D and I since we are both planning on working for ourselves (actually when I did work I was only given insurance for me, just L would have cost $1000 a month through my employer).

I realized this morning that the cost of our family health coverage is enough for a second home- now that's RIDICULOUS.  So I immediately start to panic and think about going back to work- but then I would have to factor in the cost of daycare, and the emotional cost.....

This was not a fun way to start the day- arguing with insurance representatives who usually don't know the answers nor have any fault in making the process so terrible.  L hasn't been sleeping well on top of it, and last night was not great.  But after I surrendered to the situation; L and I sat down, played, read some books, and then nursed.  I guess L was a little tired from the commotion this morning and the lack of sleep last night because he fell asleep right there in the bright playroom before 9:30 am.

Really!?!?!

Funny annoying thing happened right before L was born- D received a jury summons several days prior to my due date (i think it actually ended up being on L's birth date since he came a few days before the due date).  Fortunately D was able to postpone it.  Then shortly after L was born I received one.  Again, fortunately my county allows for a 1 year postponement if you are a breastfeeding mother.  Well, L will be 1 next month and the kind people over at the court house decided that exactly on L's birthday I should be a juror!  The hope is that I call the night before and don't get called in.  But what if I do?

I am still a breastfeeding mother- but apparently it's only worth an excused summons if the baby is under 1 years old (frustrating to say the least).  The other issue is I now stay at home and care for L myself.  So if I have to go in I will have to pump, store milk, and find someone to watch L.  That all sounds like no fun.  The other issue is that I would should probably not be chosen to be a juror after they do their questioning.  I am a therapist who has worked heavily with the criminal population and do have strong opinions about how to treat addicts and the mentally ill.  

To be continued....

(image via pinterest)

The Boss

So I had my official last day at work on Wednesday.  It's still surreal that I wont be returning to the place I spent most of my waking hours at for the past 3 years.  I've shed some tears- mostly because I will miss my friends/coworkers, and a part of me is no longer- the part that worked in that clinic, with that population, doing that kind of work.  I know this is not the end of my relationships with friends from work- nor is it the end of my career as a therapist- but it is the end of this chapter, and thats more then a little sad.  L and I also said good bye to daycare- and as much as I cried over leaving him there, eventually they became a part of my motherhood journey.  We will still visit- I spent a lot of time there because I went every day on my lunch to nurse- they are some awesome ladies that take wonderful care of other peoples children.

Enough about the sadness- I am also so excited and happy!  Today is my first day alone with L as a stay at home mom.  So far he has gotten up about the same time we would for work, he had some breakfast, nursed, I've been able to start some laundry, put away dishes- and now he's playing before I put him down for a nap.  It's cute that his favorite activity is playing with laundry, and clearing off the book shelf.  Books fascinate him- not baby play books- but paperbacks that I read.

So for now- here's my new boss- helping with the laundry