Mornings

Sometimes I get a morning to myself- it's rare, it's often very early, but I really do love them.  Especially this morning because we have finally started to get some rain in California.  While most of the country has been struggling with extreme weather conditions, California's winter has been more like a cold spring, things are blooming here and it's barely into February.

Today I woke up as D was leaving, the dog didn't want to let me sleep, and I'm glad.  It's been about 30 min so far that I have had completely to me, sipping coffee, listening to the rain.  Hey, the blog even gets a few pictures because of this morning.

 This is what is happening in our living room, vintage sofa and chair from my mom, but originally from her aunt.  Her story is an immigrants story for sure- came to New York, worked as a live in housekeeper all her life for a wealthy older woman who had no heirs, and who then left all her money and belongings to my great Aunt.  The couch and wing chairs have been recovered (and will be again when the kids are a bit older) but still hold their antique charm.  The rest of the room is stuff we have had, the infamous fauxdenza sits under the TV and gallery wall- I will have to do a post on how that has turned out since I never followed up with that after we built it.

I love this picture, makes the living room look darling, and L is perched how he usually is in the morning watching some cartoons.  We have a lot of natural light that comes into the living room.





















Meals as of late- eggplant fries with walnut oil based aioli (with some sriracha because it was the Super Bowl), and then eggs with bok choy (one of my fav greens to have for breakfast), almonds, and pomegranate seeds.  I think eating real food and eliminating grains has made the food we eat more colorful and beautiful to look at.

E loves to eat, here she is enjoying some goat cheese- those blue eyes mesmerize me every time.  We still do full fat yogurts and occasional organic cheeses with the kids.  D and I rarely partake because both of us seem to have negative consequences when we do- for him it's lactose intolerance- for me, I get a headache, stuffy sinuses, and it makes me moody.  Strange I know, but it's amazing what you notice after you eliminate something then slowly add it back to your diet.

Today on the docket is taking a shower (this will be a challenge with both the kids and just me), delivering some business cards to a doctors office- it's wonderful having consistent referral sources, returning library books, just hanging out with the kids- oh and if I can manage, bathing the dog- she stinky and like a third child.

Primal

Something that I have toyed with in the past has finally become something I am committing to.  Last week I removed all grains, sugar, dairy from my diet.  We have done paleo/primal stints before, but this time I think I finally jumped in with both feet- and boy am I happy I did!

I haven't posted much in this last year, but if I had you would have really noticed a change in my mood/outlook.  Something must have happened to be physically/hormonally during this pregnancy, combined with some situational stressors, but I would say I was depressed, overly anxious, and unable to move past it with my usual techniques.

I have to say that within this last week (yep, juts one week), my mood is markedly improved, it's more stable, and my focus, ability to be mindful, is back.  I'm just an n of 1 but this makes me want to sing the diet changes praises.  I thought it would be harder then it has been, and I think what makes it so much easier this time is due to the fact that I had reached a bottom with how I felt.

Fortunately E is just naturally a primal baby- her favorite foods are eggs, turkey, butter, bacon, green beans, and rice cereal (not primal).  Yep, she loves proteins, fats, and veggies, oh and of course she is still nursing for most her food sources.  She dislikes most fruits, and oatmeal, although we keep trying to introduce new foods.  It seems sweet is a flavor is dislikes.  Now L, he will be our challenge.  L would eat cookies, cake, ice cream, and chocolate every day all day.  He dislikes most meat except deli meat occasionally.  But we are working with what we have, offering berries, nuts, eggs.

It's fascinating to me the connection between mood and mental health- depression and diabetes are heavily correlated, and I can not deny that blood sugar swinging contributes to mood instability.  And the addictive power of sugar, wow.  This experience has sparked a strong desire to learn more about the science behind this and to understand nutrition as medicine.

Turning 30

Yep- it happened.  But really I just wanted to post these pics:

VBAC Birth Story

She's here, our little girl, our VBAC baby, our soft tempered child.  April 24th, 39 weeks, around 4 am labor began.  L had woken up and D had already left for work so I went to soothe L back to sleep.  I was cramping a lot and needed to use the bathroom so I was very appreciative when I told L, "Mama will be right back." and L said "ok", then fell back asleep.  In the bathroom I discovered bloody show (what a fantastic term).  I was excited and went to lay back down. I texted D to tell him it *might* mean today. Within an hour my water (well a small part) broke- the pop is like nothing else.  D headed home, my mom came by since L would be up soon, and we waited.

Everything was already off to a better start then my last labor- we were excited, we both had slept the night before and contractions were picking up slowly and giving me a lot of time to figure out how to cope with them.  I ate food, watched some shows with D, and eventually put on the TENS machine when the pain was getting intense.  My mom took L to her house once I started getting agitated and he started getting way too interested in the TENS machine.

I took my time after that, showered, bounced on the birth ball, ate more food (I was very hungry!), then called our doula to give her a heads up.  I felt great and was able to relax during the contractions.  As far as timing of contractions I varied from 4-5 min apart to 7-12 minutes apart.  We decided to have our doula come by around 12.  She was awesome and supportive and encouraging.  She wanted to work with me to get me to the hospital to push, meaning labor mostly at home.  I wanted this too, but things turned out a bit differently.  It seemed like the intensity of my contractions and the pain I was experiencing increased, but the frequency/pattern of them varied and weren't consistent.  Certain positions were so painful I would refuse to do them again.

Around 5 I started loosing it- crying during contractions, wanting to go to the hospital.  My doula and D really pushed me to stay.  D and I took a shower and he kept me in there for about 1 hour, each contraction I begged to leave, he stayed strong and got me to stay.  Now why did I want to go to the hospital?  To escape the pain, and to know where I was dilation wise, to be closer to the end.  I always said I would love to have a natural unmedicated birth, but my only true goal was to have a VBAC.

Driving to the hospital was horrendous and traumatic- lets leave it at that.  We arrived and I tearfully stumbled down the halls to Labor & Delivery.  They put me in a triage room to "assess"- that sucked.  In that room I experienced the worst cervical check of my life- it was so painful I about jumped off the table.  Then the words, "3 cm 70% effaced" made me cry.  I felt the same thing happening from Ls birth, lots of time, pain, little progress.  Looking back it was more progress then with L, and I had been able to sleep, eat and manage it better.  But at that point I wanted to be admitted and we discussed pain meds.

I was still fearful of the epideral, which I believed stopped the progress with my last labor and led to the c-section.  So we discussed morphine and decided on that.  Once in the room our doula had D take a nap- she was awesome about encouraging us to rest at different times- this actually made a huge difference because last time we were both so sleep deprived.  I sort of dosed off between contractions, but then felt like I had to pee after each one and had to get up.

Something really special happened for us while we were there, we had previously made friends with a mom at Ls preschool who happened to be an OB at the hospital.  She was very natural birth friendly and had a home birth herself, and was friends with our doula.  Our doula was texting her throughout my labor with updates so when she knew we were headed into the hospital she called and let the staff know to take good care of us.  They absolutely did, I felt more attention and support from this huge teaching hospital with OBs and residents then the small midwife birthing center we used for L.

At some point they said they wanted to check me again- I can't remember the time, but we had seen my contractions slow down from the morphine and with my water being broken pitocin was our next step.  I knew I could not deal with pitocin without an epideral so I agreed.  At this point I was sad, and believed that a c-section was in our future.  I agreed to a check, but requested a different Dr- that first check was so awful I needed a different touch/energy.  We go a great Dr and it didn't hurt at all (amazing how different  check can be).  She noted I was still 3 cm but now 90% effaced.  I cried, I felt broken.  This was hours later, and no more dilation.

Then I heard words that changed everything- the Dr. asked if I had any past cervical procedures- I had about 12 years prior and asked why.  She said because you have scarring.  She noted that my internal part of my cervix was more dilated then the external, which is the opposite of what they usually see.  She massaged out the scarring (again basically painless- this woman was a godsend)- I immediately went to 4 cm.  Not a huge difference, but now I had some hope, and some explanation for why labor is so slow.

I got the epideral and they started me on a small dose of pitocin.  We ended up stopping at 6 (which is a very low dose) because thats all my body needed.  The next time I was checked a few hours later I was a 7 and 100% effaced!  I cried, happy tears of course, I had never heard anything above a 4-5- my body was working.  I was able to sleep some with the epideral- again big difference from last labor.  My Dr. came by to visit me which was nice- again I just felt very supported there.

At once point I started feeling more pressure and they checked me to find the rest of my bag of waters had broken (D said he could hear the water rushing out of me it was so much) and baby was moving down and engaging.  A few hours passed and the nurse made a call, and very quickly a bunch of people rushed in the room to check on me.  They decided on an internal monitor on the baby because they weren't picking her heart rate up on the monitors.  The Dr. checked me first and said, "you're complete and baby is at +1 station""- of course I cried again and I knew it was really happening this time.  As quickly as the people came into the room they left.  They let me labor down a bit, turned down the epideral and rest so I could push.

I was so happy but also afraid that pushing would be hard.  I got the best nurse for the delivery, and until our little girl crowned, it was just D, our doula, and our awesome nurse.  I puked and started to feel some intense pain prior to pushing.  When I started pushing I liked using the mirror (something I wondered would be uncomfortable prior to labor).  I didn't feel her moving down, but I did feel her crowing and seeing her head and touching the top of her head was incredible.  I felt a lot of pain on the topwhen she came out and that was due to her hand/elbow tearing me on the way out (more on that later).  When she came out they handed her to me and I said, "shes so slippery".  She was, and had almost no vernix.  She cried and looked around.  Her cries were a bit "wet" sounding (more on that later as well).  But she was there, on my chest, my little girl, my VBAC baby.

 

After the delivery things got a lot less positive and I will write about that soon- both little girl and I had to have some medical attention.  We are both happy and healthy now.

37 weeks

Well I'll be 38 weeks in a couple days- but yeah- full term, will be 100% ready in a few days when I officially stop working.  This photo can probably explain how I feel:

HUGE, tired, ready to return to a non pregnant state...I definitely feel larger then last time.

30 before 30

I forget to do this after my birthday (so one is already completed).  Last year I didn't accomplish a few keys things, but hopefully this year I can get back on track.

1. Throw L's 2 year bday party at our home.
2. Go on a family trip
3. Read at least 3 books (Again)
4. Go on a family camping trip (these seem awfully appealing with a baby)
5. Take L to the beach
6. Plan a special 30th birthday for D basically this didn't happen because I was puking too much :(
7. Grow my private practice (aka actually have income)
8. Enroll preschool
9. Continue being healthy
10. Become pregnant with our second child
11. Take L to the SF MOMA
12. Make L a train table for his Birthday
13. Do monthly dates with D- and actually go out- do not stay home and clean!
14. Grow vegetables in pots
15. Wean L from nursing (we are so close)
16. Get L to fall asleep without walking/nursing/driving down (having some success but not consistently)
17. Complete a half-marathon (13.1)
18. Organize the house
19. Eliminate Junk
20. Get a gardener (we can go back and fourth about being capable of cutting the grass and blowing the leaves regularly, but we never do, it's time for a change)
21. Take a family photo (or a few)
22. Wear a dress to work (this seems pointless but, I want to incorporate non pant items as professional wear)
23. Finish watching The Wire (just started the third season- totally addicted- Omar blows me away)
24. Use my Bikram Yoga Groupon
25. Eliminate Debt
26. Save at least $250.00 every month and rebuild our savings
27. Potty Train L (I keep putting this off)
28. Be able to park in our garage
29. Grow out my hair and go more blonde
30. Go out without D and L more often

Falling

Today I experienced my first fall while running.  It wasn't too bad, scraped my knees, bruised the bottom of my right hand where it meets the wrist, but amazingly didn't break my phone.

Hopefully I will be out there tomorrow since D and I signed up for a half marathon that takes place on his 30th birthday in October.  The thing is though, neither of us have been keeping up with regular running or working out. Hopefully this will be our motivator.

In other news- we got into the preschool we wanted for L.  It's only 1 day a week and parent participation, but it's so neat, very nature based.  My practice is picking up and it looks like I may actually bring in some income this month- meaning I will make more then my expenses for the month.  This is a big deal since my office rent doubled to it's full amount this month.

L's 2 year birthday is coming up very soon.  I have yet to really plan anything or settle on a date.  D and I also have an anniversary coming up and need to plan that.  L has been like a little hulk- so much energy and emotion and no way of regulating it yet.  He is in this new phase where he "hates" daddy when I am around.  So we hear a lot of "No, no Daddy, just mommy" or "not daddy's, only mommys" - that last one is in reference to the new family iPad.  Sometimes L and I will be in his bed reading and D will walk into the room and L screams and tantrums, "no, no daddy".  Poor D and poor me, I can't get a break without a tantrum.  But hey- L has really cut down on the hitting and hating of other children!  It's so true that with kids everything is always changing...

Creeping up on two years....

 

I haven't been blogging much...obviously.

This has been a very trying time for me with all the changes, moving, starting my practice, raising a strong willed toddler, slowly weaning, financial issues.  It's incredible how much I have been thrown off balance.  Just when I felt like things were picking up with my practice and I was gaining some ground financially- we get a huge expense over at our rented house.  Basically washed away all I have saved up.

L is getting so big and smart - but honestly I have been really burnt out with his whining and tantrums.  It's not that I can't find peace during these moments, it's that I often wake up at 6am to L staring me in the face screaming/whining.  He is an early waker and it's no lie I am NOT a morning person.  So it's been overwhelming for me to have to deal with the fussiness the second I open my eyes.

L and I are doing swim lessons- we are having a much better experience with L being around other toddlers/kids at the swimming class then we did at Little Gym.  The water has always been his favorite thing, and maybe - I don't want to jinx it - but maybe he is growing out of that stage a little bit.  Hopefully by September when he starts preschool it will be a lot better.

The weaning has been going ok- I have been nursing him on average about 3 times a week.  In dire situations at night I have nursed him to sleep- but we avoid it at all costs.  he still asks for it and even cries and tantrums some days int he morning.  But I am working on distracting him and finding other ways to comfort him.  I notice I am more emotional on the days I nurse now versus the way it used to be- where I got emotional on the days I didn't nurse.  Hormones are shifting.

But the main point of this post- L is now 22 months, he is almost 2 years old!  He is so quickly becoming less and less baby.  We are planning on doing a small mainly family and close friends birthday party at our home.  We plan to discourage presents because seriously, L doesn't need any more toys, especially since we plan on getting him a few things our selves.  I know that grandparents will still get gifts- I won't take that joy away from them...

Above are a few pics of L in the wagon with his "lily muffins".  She isn't a huge fan of staying in the wagon, but was compliant enough for a few pics.  Below are pics of L wearing his PG&E dress up outfit- his first dress up outfit.  D worked on a shoot for PG&E and they didn't need these any more so D was able to snag some new "gear".  

It is what it is....

Today I am sleep deprived- L really doesn't like going to sleep with me any more.  We still walk him down or nurse him down and lately the nursing isn't working very well and the walking only works if it's someone besides me!  So from 3am till 6:30am L and I were in a battle.  I tried walking him down and he was practically asleep and then just picks his head up and starts chatting away wide awake...nursing provided the same result, threats of sleeping alone in his room made him pretend to sleep for 1 minute then wake up again.

Finally out of sheer exhaustion I said he was going to bed and placed him in his bed, walked out of his room, and shut the door.  I wasn't even 2 feet away from his door when I heard his thumping run and then him smashing into the door screaming "mama!".  I didn't go in right away, but then it sounded like he was banging his head so I went in.  Finally after doing this dance for 3 and half hours, L fell asleep nursing.

I despise nights alone with L- if D is home and L wakes up, D brings him to the bed and L nurses for a bit.  Sometimes we all fall back asleep and cosleep for the night.  Usually however, I can't sleep while nursing so I stay awake till L has had both breasts and seems just about back to sleep.  Then I ask D to move him to his bed.  Sometimes D has to walk for a few minutes-  yes a few minutes.  If I were to pick L up to transfer him back to the bed he would wake up- I have tried and it happens every time so we just stopped.

I feel like screaming WTF!  How did L turn out like this!!?!  Not many other kids are this difficult to put to sleep and keep asleep at this age- or maybe they are but it definitely isn't the norm.  I'm sure D and I could have cried it out with L when he was younger, but I still stand by our decision not to.  Today my mom watched L so I could rest stress about my work alone.  She got him to fall asleep in her bed- she said it took 45 min.  She is coming over to tell me how it was done.  I suspect it included numerous redirecting back in the bed, music, iphone games, and tv.  We will see and try it here tonight.  But it definitely means L needs a real bed so we can lay with him till he falls asleep.  And then there's always the wondering if he will fall asleep for everyone but me.

L has been increasingly sensitive to my tone of voice and mood- if I even pretend to be upset he gets upset.  So I just say "mommy's ok" to reassure him.  Well during lasts nights madness my tone was not sweet and patient, but was stern and pretty pissed.  L kept saying "mommy ok" in the sweetest little voice ever....it melted my heart.

In good news- we found a wonderful preschool thanks to the recommendation of our neighbor.  It's parent participation, but nothing too demanding.  My practice is picking up but it is also a constant source fo stress- marketing is draining, I worry about money, I worry about how good of a therapist I am- it's been hard returning to this work after such a long time mainly just chatting with babies/toddlers/dogs.  This weekend my in laws begin the move out of their home of over 30 years- D was born and raised in one house...he is handling it rather well.

I really want/need a little vacation- away from technology that connects to me to my work, where I can sleep uninterrupted, spend relaxing time with my husband.....probably not in the budget for a while.

Bye friend...

I don't know if there is anyone still in my life that would know him by this name, but shmerph (inbucus) passed away today. He was 14 and my first baby. He moved with me at least 15 times (even had a short stay with a friend) and he was a constant while other animals, and people came in and out of my life. I'm incredibly sad but at least he isn't in pain any more.


This came about suddenly- last week he was fine, this week he became more fatigued and then we noticed the struggling to breathe.  The vet was a disappointing experience-I'm not sure if it was because they didn't want to tell me he was basically dying and be sensitive to a desire to keep him alive or if they wanted to milk some money out of me- but they ran $600 worth of tests which came to the conclusion that it's heart failure and possibly cancer.  Meds would only help for a short while and he would still be suffering.  We decided to euthanize him today.  We decided not to be in the room due to the extra cost (which is ridiculous imo), but maybe it was a way for me to avoid my own pain of watching him pass.  We were able to take his body and have created as best we could a grave for him in the front yard.


It's been an emotional few months with our pets- we have gone from a 3 pet family to a 1 pet family- I have no regrets, our dog is in a better home for him, and my cat was old and it was his time.  But it's been hard...


Maybe if I have time I will write Incubus's little life story- or at least the stuff I experienced with him...

Ouch!

Sinus pressure/allergies are getting to me today- oh and L decided to bite down super hard on my toe.  But in his defense it was my toe underneath a blanket- so maybe he just thought he was biting the blanket.  But wow- it freaken hurt (I restrained kicking him away with my foot because thats what the pain wanted me to do)!  He managed to bite right where the cuticle is- awesome aim this kid!

We went to a little gym today and L adored it.  We thought he would be shy but instead he was super outgoing and playful.  His favorite thing was hanging and swinging from the bars.  We signed him up for 3 months, 1 time a week.  We have actually done a lot of family/toddler things locally since D has had a few days off.  The break from getting settled into our house has been much needed.  We hit up the local discovery museum (I used to go when I was little) and L was drawn to the ambulance- which he calls "abby" and the water exhibit.

L was the ONLY kid completely drenched!  But he was so happy, and we were prepared with an extra set of clothes so we let him have his fun.  When had to break him away and that was traumatic- lots of tantrums.  Then we headed up to their under 4 play rooms.  L loved this too- so we got a membership (yes there is a theme- toddler related memberships).

Buying these memberships means much more- they represent that this is where we live- we have finally relocated to the area we plan on staying in.  Maybe the houses will change, and the neighborhood will be slightly different- but this is home.  I always struggled with that in our last home- I knew it wasn't a forever home and I resisted setting down roots (or buying memberships) in case we figured out a way to move here.  So maybe I'm going to go a little crazy planting seeds, creating roots- growing into this new/old area.

My practice is slowly becoming a reality- I think we decided that March 15th I will start subleasing the office. I printed up a few business cards (without an address in case this doesn't go through- I'm a realist) so I can network and market a bit.  Tomorrow I have a training on maternal mental health which I am so excited for.  After having L I felt so connected and interested in women/mother issues- more so then before- because it was always an interest.  I even fantasized about changing careers and being a midwife or lactation consultant- something more "maternal".  But I don't need to change careers- I'm in the perfect profession for supporting women.  I'm even brainstorming taking my practice to the homes of newly post-partum moms in need of psychotherapy.  Asking someone to come to my office while struggling with mental health or just adjustment to such an earth shattering change and so early after birth with a newborn seems like a huge barrier.  We will see- I have my wheels turning...

I think for a while my posts are going to me this weird mesh of things- L, family, decorating/renovating, starting my business, and just plain old happenings....but probably all jumbled into one post.  Maybe I need this blog to be like a journal- a place to gather my fragmented thoughts...

Here's a sweet sleeping pic of L that D took since L slept till 8am (so nice of him)...

Alone

Wow- this is one of the first mornings I have been awake without L.  D left for work a few hours ago and the dog started scratching in her crate to go out/have breakfast.  Usually if this occurred I would head back to sleep or at least try to.  But this morning I felt less exhausted, grabbed some coffee (already brewed thanks to our new automatic coffee machine), and decided to use this as some alone time.  Maybe it's the working out thats improving my energy- and L is sleeping in just a bit longer since we started putting him to bed later.  This kid would wake up at 5:00!  Not cool- something about not even having a few minutes to myself in the morning was wearing on me...especially since I am NOT a morning person.

March 1st is my January 1st

So today is my new beginning- I decided sometime in January, after I seeing the crazy path ahead, that starting March 1st everything would begin coming together and I would get on track with positivity and self care.  So...

Today I began running again- I had only ran a handful of times in the last few months and it was really effecting me.  I was sluggish, tired, unmotivated, just felt overall unhealthy.  I will also do some strength training again since it's helpful with reducing running injuries.

And I am happy to report we are fully moved in (obviously not everything is in it's permanent place, but we are feeling comfortable here), we have also signed the lease and our tenants are moving in to our old place.  Our pup is in his new home (though it might not be his permanent home), and my private practice is about to start.

I pretty much have an office, opened my business account, got a phone number, and have everything else ready to go once I get the confirmation that the office is mine.  I am so excited to be starting my own business- but I have a glimpse of all the work owning a business can bring.  All the little things that just came with being employed by someone else are now my responsibility- all my own paperwork, website, administrative stuff, furniture, insurance, marketing, billing, schedule...yeah and thats before actually doing the work- seeing clients.

Packing

Big Changes...

We are moving!  Going from homeowners to landlords and returning to renters will be a big adjustment- but it should all be worth it.  We are moving closer to my family, where I grew up, and I will be starting a private practice.  I said this year was going to be a year of big changes...

hello future home...can't wait to add our personal touches.

Yoga.

D and I did hot yoga today (bikram).  This is something I was very into years ago.  It's yoga done in a heated room with high humidity.  I was impressed with how ok I felt doing it.  When I first began bikram I would have to sit down a lot, would feel nauseated, and basically wondered why anyone would subject themselves to such torture (ha reminds me of how running initially felt too- well if i was running underneath a heater).  But today, although my core felt very weak, I had more stamina and strength then I thought I would.  I guess any exercise keeps those things up.  But my core- oh how weak it felt.  I'm fairly flexible in some postures, and although I could have gone deeper into them, my core would not have held me up to do so.  But thats the point of doing this- to have a more well-rounded fitness regimen,  Running is great, but I was missing the focus, core building, and stretching that yoga provides.  Yoga is very mental- like running, but instead of getting out of my body like I do while running, I focus on being more mindful of my body.  So again it's a great compliment.  During this class my mind wavered a lot- I went through stages of believing I should come every day, to knowing this was a huge mistake and I should probably go home to take a nap.  Ultimately I left the class rejuvenated and energized.  I can't say the same for D- he was grumpy and burnt.  Even still, we are both looking forward to our next class.

And about that job interview- I cancelled it.  It was not the right fit.  But I do have a few applications out for jobs that would be great.  Although they are full time, they are near my family and would allow for less time in daycare.  And it would be really nice to get paid well for what I do...really nice.  This year is absolutely going to be a year of big changes.

Choices

I have been sending my resume around to a few positions- although the "perfect" position hasn't come up.  I have seen so many great ones but either it's not in an ideal location, or it's with a population I'm not too keen on, or it's not the right amount of hours, or the pay will be bad.  I got offered an interview for a job that screams perfect for me- if you ignore the location, the hours, and the possibility of shitty pay.  It's working with a population and a mission that I am very passionate about- psychotic disorders.  If D and I didn't have a child I would probably take this job in a heart beat and relocate to the city.  It would satisfy my emotional needs and I'm sure we could survive  on the income.  But now we have L and it's not just about my emotional needs.  So instead of blindly taking the interview I have inquired further to see if this is even worth going to- why waste my time and there's if I wouldn't take the job.  And no, the "practice" of the interview would not be worth the hassle of getting there.  So we will see what they say.  I am constantly reminding myself that I  do not need to jump at the first job offer.  I don't need to get a job this moment- we are doing fine.  Plus the job has to be worth the expense (daycare cost, travel time, emotional cost of seeing less of D and L).

L has been a little charmer, talking up a storm- oh and somewhere in the holiday chaos he turned 16 months.  This kid just wont stop growing and he is finally getting some hair.  He is sleeping better when he isn't congested/sick.  I have also been decreasing dairy in my diet and his, which is helping.  Maybe it's something I should have never stopped- honestly I felt better when I wasn't consuming dairy.  Here are a few random photos from the past week: A candle made from a mandarin and olive oil, instructions are here.   L splashing at the Bay Discovery Museum- I LOVE that place.  Our pup taking a "princess nap".

 

Grateful

I recently learned of a family friends baby who had to have surgery at 8 months- the poor little guy (a twin) kept getting repeated infections with bacteria showing up in his blood.  They tried many rounds of antibiotics and eventually did more investigating to find some abnormalities with his kidneys- one of which wasn't properly connected to the bladder.  He went through a surgery to correct this and is now doing well.  But when I heard this all I could think was how hard, emotional,  scary, and trying that would be for baby, mom, dad, and any loved one.  It made me so grateful that L is and has been healthy- so what if he doesn't sleep well, so what if I had to stop dairy for a while- he is healthy.  The blog world- and the "real" world- is full of families and innocent babies battling some pretty serious stuff- I am so fortunate and lucky to not know what their experiences are truly like.

We are also so fortunate to have the things we have, and the amazing people in our lives- I can be a huge complainer, find a negative in just about anything- but there is no denying that my life, my family's life is good.  In my work I got to hear how difficult many people's baselines could be- and by baseline I mean what they were born into not caused by any behaviors or choices of their own- poverty, abuse of all kinds, addiction, trauma, illness, racism.  Yes some people can strive and overcome such things, but so many never have to- it's something to be grateful for.  I miss working with people who are fighting for something better in their lives- it gives me perspective and it's important work.

D and I just returned from our two nights away from L.  It was nice to get sleep and spend time together like adults, but we were so ready to come home and see L.  In just two days time he has more hair, more energy, says more words, and didn't miss a beat with nursing.  Funny or not- I had my first period (in 26 months!) to deal with on my vacation.  Not exactly how I had envisioned this vacation- but I am glad to know I can nurse and still get pregnant.  I was really starting to think I would be one of those women who had to wean completely.

Our Present to Us

D and I already have our present booked- yes, a mini much needed vacation.  We are spending two nights away from L (this will be a first, previously we spent 1 night away).  My awesome mom will come to stay with L, which can only mean he may enjoy this vacation more then D and I- she is seriously his favorite person.

It's amazing how different I feel planning time away.  As L gets older, more independent, more comfortable with others, and I guess as I get more secure in him being ok, oh and more burnt out and not even having a real moment/conversation with my husband- it gets easier to let go.

We planned this trip to be before the holidays so we can be a little more unwound by the time they come. We aren't going far away, only 45 min.  This is one of many reasons Northern California is the best place to live- close access to so many great places.  Now if only they could do something about the damn cost...

My Holiday Wishlist

Ultimately I really want some time for myself, a weekend away with D, a spa day...but here are the materialistic things...



























I really want a slow cooker/Crock Pot.  I've been seeing a ton of great recipes online and with L it's hard to prep dinner.  He is actually best in the morning (and most difficult around dinner time) so I could pop all the ingredients in to be ready in the evening.  I do however not like the idea of getting yet another appliance- but we have been trying it the old fashion way of a dutch oven style pot on the stove and it's hard to control the temp- nor would I want to leave it on if we step out of the house.






































Some shoes- I really need to purge my closet of the shoes I can no longer wear since having L (they are either too small or way too uncomfortable- my time in high heels is over).



















Nice sunglasses.  I know this is risky with a toddler, but I have been trying to find cheap glasses that I like and have only ended up disappointed and wasting money.  I have about 4 pairs now that are either uncomfortable, permanently blurry (no clue why?!?), don't fit well, or I just plain don't like.  I think it's time to fork over the cash for some I can appreciate....and hope L doesn't destroy them.

Rody for L