VBAC Birth Story

She's here, our little girl, our VBAC baby, our soft tempered child.  April 24th, 39 weeks, around 4 am labor began.  L had woken up and D had already left for work so I went to soothe L back to sleep.  I was cramping a lot and needed to use the bathroom so I was very appreciative when I told L, "Mama will be right back." and L said "ok", then fell back asleep.  In the bathroom I discovered bloody show (what a fantastic term).  I was excited and went to lay back down. I texted D to tell him it *might* mean today. Within an hour my water (well a small part) broke- the pop is like nothing else.  D headed home, my mom came by since L would be up soon, and we waited.

Everything was already off to a better start then my last labor- we were excited, we both had slept the night before and contractions were picking up slowly and giving me a lot of time to figure out how to cope with them.  I ate food, watched some shows with D, and eventually put on the TENS machine when the pain was getting intense.  My mom took L to her house once I started getting agitated and he started getting way too interested in the TENS machine.

I took my time after that, showered, bounced on the birth ball, ate more food (I was very hungry!), then called our doula to give her a heads up.  I felt great and was able to relax during the contractions.  As far as timing of contractions I varied from 4-5 min apart to 7-12 minutes apart.  We decided to have our doula come by around 12.  She was awesome and supportive and encouraging.  She wanted to work with me to get me to the hospital to push, meaning labor mostly at home.  I wanted this too, but things turned out a bit differently.  It seemed like the intensity of my contractions and the pain I was experiencing increased, but the frequency/pattern of them varied and weren't consistent.  Certain positions were so painful I would refuse to do them again.

Around 5 I started loosing it- crying during contractions, wanting to go to the hospital.  My doula and D really pushed me to stay.  D and I took a shower and he kept me in there for about 1 hour, each contraction I begged to leave, he stayed strong and got me to stay.  Now why did I want to go to the hospital?  To escape the pain, and to know where I was dilation wise, to be closer to the end.  I always said I would love to have a natural unmedicated birth, but my only true goal was to have a VBAC.

Driving to the hospital was horrendous and traumatic- lets leave it at that.  We arrived and I tearfully stumbled down the halls to Labor & Delivery.  They put me in a triage room to "assess"- that sucked.  In that room I experienced the worst cervical check of my life- it was so painful I about jumped off the table.  Then the words, "3 cm 70% effaced" made me cry.  I felt the same thing happening from Ls birth, lots of time, pain, little progress.  Looking back it was more progress then with L, and I had been able to sleep, eat and manage it better.  But at that point I wanted to be admitted and we discussed pain meds.

I was still fearful of the epideral, which I believed stopped the progress with my last labor and led to the c-section.  So we discussed morphine and decided on that.  Once in the room our doula had D take a nap- she was awesome about encouraging us to rest at different times- this actually made a huge difference because last time we were both so sleep deprived.  I sort of dosed off between contractions, but then felt like I had to pee after each one and had to get up.

Something really special happened for us while we were there, we had previously made friends with a mom at Ls preschool who happened to be an OB at the hospital.  She was very natural birth friendly and had a home birth herself, and was friends with our doula.  Our doula was texting her throughout my labor with updates so when she knew we were headed into the hospital she called and let the staff know to take good care of us.  They absolutely did, I felt more attention and support from this huge teaching hospital with OBs and residents then the small midwife birthing center we used for L.

At some point they said they wanted to check me again- I can't remember the time, but we had seen my contractions slow down from the morphine and with my water being broken pitocin was our next step.  I knew I could not deal with pitocin without an epideral so I agreed.  At this point I was sad, and believed that a c-section was in our future.  I agreed to a check, but requested a different Dr- that first check was so awful I needed a different touch/energy.  We go a great Dr and it didn't hurt at all (amazing how different  check can be).  She noted I was still 3 cm but now 90% effaced.  I cried, I felt broken.  This was hours later, and no more dilation.

Then I heard words that changed everything- the Dr. asked if I had any past cervical procedures- I had about 12 years prior and asked why.  She said because you have scarring.  She noted that my internal part of my cervix was more dilated then the external, which is the opposite of what they usually see.  She massaged out the scarring (again basically painless- this woman was a godsend)- I immediately went to 4 cm.  Not a huge difference, but now I had some hope, and some explanation for why labor is so slow.

I got the epideral and they started me on a small dose of pitocin.  We ended up stopping at 6 (which is a very low dose) because thats all my body needed.  The next time I was checked a few hours later I was a 7 and 100% effaced!  I cried, happy tears of course, I had never heard anything above a 4-5- my body was working.  I was able to sleep some with the epideral- again big difference from last labor.  My Dr. came by to visit me which was nice- again I just felt very supported there.

At once point I started feeling more pressure and they checked me to find the rest of my bag of waters had broken (D said he could hear the water rushing out of me it was so much) and baby was moving down and engaging.  A few hours passed and the nurse made a call, and very quickly a bunch of people rushed in the room to check on me.  They decided on an internal monitor on the baby because they weren't picking her heart rate up on the monitors.  The Dr. checked me first and said, "you're complete and baby is at +1 station""- of course I cried again and I knew it was really happening this time.  As quickly as the people came into the room they left.  They let me labor down a bit, turned down the epideral and rest so I could push.

I was so happy but also afraid that pushing would be hard.  I got the best nurse for the delivery, and until our little girl crowned, it was just D, our doula, and our awesome nurse.  I puked and started to feel some intense pain prior to pushing.  When I started pushing I liked using the mirror (something I wondered would be uncomfortable prior to labor).  I didn't feel her moving down, but I did feel her crowing and seeing her head and touching the top of her head was incredible.  I felt a lot of pain on the topwhen she came out and that was due to her hand/elbow tearing me on the way out (more on that later).  When she came out they handed her to me and I said, "shes so slippery".  She was, and had almost no vernix.  She cried and looked around.  Her cries were a bit "wet" sounding (more on that later as well).  But she was there, on my chest, my little girl, my VBAC baby.

 

After the delivery things got a lot less positive and I will write about that soon- both little girl and I had to have some medical attention.  We are both happy and healthy now.

37 weeks

Well I'll be 38 weeks in a couple days- but yeah- full term, will be 100% ready in a few days when I officially stop working.  This photo can probably explain how I feel:

HUGE, tired, ready to return to a non pregnant state...I definitely feel larger then last time.

Happenings

Of course it's been forever since I made a blog post...

It feels like so many things have happened, yet not much to write about, or nothing that I want to write about.  We have been trying to get the house more "ready" for our little girl arriving in the next 7-9 weeks (if she's on L's schedule she will arrive before the due date, but I have to at least be aware that I could go after my due date, boy will that be difficult to handle).

We are finally making some real progress on the nursery.  after L was born I really felt like his room was a waste.  He never slept in there and I spent all this time making it so cute.  When I first got pregnant this time, I toyed with not even having a nursery and just keeping the 3rd bedroom as an office/playroom.  Well I couldn't stand it, and I started to think about how the baby would need a space her own, off limits to L for naps.  I figured he would have a harder time staying out f our room then the "baby's" room.  We also moved L into the bigger room and I am so glad we did.

Since my last post, L has not once been walked down to sleep- YAY!  That does not mean bedtimes are easy, but it's progress.  L now enjoys his night time routine of teeth brushing and stories, but he still fights sleep.  This shows up in different ways depending on the night.  He will ask for food/drinks oevr and over, he will want to have a certain toy in bed and then be distracted by it, or he will want to read certain books that engage him way too much.  Books with pop ups, texture, flaps to be lifted, etc are off limits at bed time.  We also realize that we need to change books out often or he gets bored.  So we decided to go to the library to get a bunch of books every few weeks.  My favorite bed time book for him is Bedtime for Francis- the way it is written works well with a fairly monotone voice and usually gets him to bed.  But L is so smart that when he wants to fight bed, he fights the books that are great at putting him to sleep.  L is also pretty much day time potty trained.  He has an occasional accident, and still has some some anxiety about pooping, but I am so happy we can put on underwear, bring our potty in the back of the car and just go.  Night time we use pull ups and L seems to avoid pooping during the day on the potty by pooping when he wakes up in a pull up.  I am fine with this for now.

We are having a lot of struggles with Ls behavior with other kids at preschool/playgrounds.  L hits/pushes if they simply approach him.  He really believes they are going to take his toy or get in his space.  It's embarrassing to have the kid that causes the other kids to cry....but thats a post for another time.

Here are a few pictures to make this post less of an essay...

Starting at the top: L playing with "colored" water- sort of our version of a little montessori activity.  The next two are nursery progress, got a great deal on a room and board glider off craigslist, make some cheap curtains out of clearance sheets, bought fabric for the skirt and pillows on the crib, and repurposed most of L's nursery stuff (light, birds, etc).  Bottom left pic is L coloring eggs at school- he looks so old here, no more puffy diaper paints!  Last is me at 27 weeks.  I am much larger now but have to yet to take another pic.

Good Stuff

So I'm 21 weeks and feeling much better (yet still struggling certain days with the nausea and fatigue).  And we found out that our next little one will be a GIRL.  We are very excited, everyone including us had desire for a little sister for L.  And I get to use the name that I have been wanting to use for L before we knew he was a he.

We also found a wonderful doula- she is not cheap, but she gets it, has the perfect personality to be tough with me when I'm in pain, and to be assertive with the hospital staff.  Yes, it appears we will be birthing at the hospital instead of at home.  Honestly, I am too fearful of having a catastrophic rupture- if that happened in a home birth baby would die.  The risk is very low, but I'm afraid, and low risk doesn't mean I wont be the one that it happens to.  Who knows if we change our minds before the birth, but right now that is the plan.

We decided we will not try to move this next year.  So now we will paint some of the rooms white (yes white, because this rental is an ugly off white, yellowish neutral that makes my skin crawl.  Oh and it's all glossy, every single room, gross!).  We are also going move L into the other room so baby girl will have a nursery.  I know she may not be in it right away, but I think it's important to have it set up and ready so we can start getting her used to a crib very early.  We plan to try different things with her in hopes that she will sleep better then L.

I'm very excited for Xmas this year with L.  He is already so into it, loving the outdoor lights, saying "merry christmas", watching the 1964 Rudolf movie.  My favorite thing so far this xmas has been buying books to read to L.  This sweet bookstore in town just makes me want to curl up in the corner and read to him all day.  Plus I don't know how many more times I can read some of the books we have.  Lets just say there are several stories L can "read" because he has memorized them.

Above are a few pics, for some reason we have only taken instagram/iphone photos int he last 5 months...First is L listening to the baby with Babkas stethoscope, next is L being a "helicopter pilot", then L at Fairyland on the train in his new hat, and last is L with his friend being utterly adorable together.

2nd verse- same as the first?

So I'm in the second trimester- and it's still pretty rough.  I'm almost 15 weeks and was really hoping the nausea and overall weak feeling would be gone.  I have been able to attend L's preschool more frequently, which I love.  And I am a little less nauseated, but if I don't get enough rest, or move around too quickly- puking happens.  I think I can say this pregnancy is harder then the last.  I was working 32 hrs a week and commuting 1 hr each day and I was able to do it after the first week of nausea hell.  This time if I had those same commitments I would be even more of a wreck then I already am.

I have been trying to eat a lot of protein and whole foods- when I can get them down I do feel better.  A hardboiled egg with some avocado and a pinch of salt has been my go to breakfast.  I still seem to need a starch to help with stomach acid, but I am so happy to not just be ingesting terrible grain based, sugar based foods.  I have also been loving milk- which is insane since I do not like milk, we never drink it in our home for several reasons- but it's working for me right now and in the big scheme of things is healthier then some other stuff I can stomach.

Next week we may find out the sex of this baby- I hope I will get excited after that.  This pregnancy has a lot more uncertainty then the last one; we might (I really want to) move into a better fitting home, insurance is horrendous, maternity leave is going to be harder as I am self employed, our renters may be moving out around the time the baby is due, birth options are a constant concern on my mind, and L has really been regressing with all the changes of me being so sick.

I'm so tired of being sick, I miss having energy, I miss exercise (I laugh at my previous ambitions of continuing to run into pregnancy- I'm lucky if I walk around on some days), and I want to have the same excited happiness I felt last pregnancy.  Work is going well- I'm proud I have been able to hang on to that at least.  I haven't missed a single appointment.  I found another therapist to sublease my office a couple days that I do see patients, and possibly more days as I go on maternity leave.  It's nice to know some of my expenses will be covered.  

L was Buzz Lightyear for halloween.  It was cute, he was pretty scared the skulls, blinking eye decorations, but he did go to a few houses and get some candy.  At the first couple houses he tried to walk inside- it was cute, but I had to remind him that we only ring the doorbell and stay on the porch.  I can't wait for Christmas, L is going to love it this year, and I BETTER feel better by then, or this uterus is seriously closed for business indefinitely...

1st Trimester Nightmare

This is a giant whine/bitch fest....never before pregnant women, read at your own risk and know that not everyone feels this shitty.

I forgot how difficult the 1st trimester is.  It's been about 6 weeks since I started feeling the "morning sickness", and although the peak of that seems to be ending, I am now being detained by incredibly painful headaches. I keep trying to figure out if this is how I felt with L (the headaches are for sure a new thing), or if it's worse, and also, when exactly did I get better.  I know it did get better, the second trimester and most of the third weren't too bad.  I had a lot of Braxton hicks contractions, but no nausea,  and no pain that couldn't be helped with massage or a warm bath.

I guess I assumed since I was in better shape this time, I wouldn't suffer too much in the beginning.  I guess having a toddler that does not think it's ok for mama to rest is probably not helping my case.

I want to be excited about this pregnancy, and I want to enjoy fall- I F*CKING love fall (the weather, the foods, the fun stuff to do with L).  But I honestly feel like my life is on hold.  I spend the days I can resting, laying down, drinking insane amounts of club soda (something about the carbonation stops me from vomiting it up).  If I overdo it, I suffer the consequences...either some awesome puke session or a headache that brings me to tears.  Chocolate helps the headaches though (maybe the combination of sugar and caffiene), learned that last night.

I have missed almost every day of L's preschool.  D has been great and attending them all.  I hate that I am not able to be there for L like I want.  I get sh*t from some women who did not have difficult pregnancies saying I should just, "drink ginger ale, eat small meals, and force yourself to do things".  It's frustrating, but ultimately they don't know what they are talking about because even the mildest birth control hormones cause vomiting in me (aka hormone changes and me are not friends), and there's a whole lot more hormone changes going on right now then in those ridiculous nuva rings (seriously lame invention imo).  Then I also get the, "isn't there anything you can take, maybe your Dr. can prescribe something?" BS that some people try to pull on me.  NOPE, don't feel like taking a drug that isn't considered extremely safe unless I am having serious consequences (loosing a lot of weight, dehydrated, can't keep anything down).  I would rather alter my life, take it as easy as I can, then pop a pill that probably wont be very effective and cause a slew of shitty side effects (main one being really bad constipation- so yes shitty).

It's been hard to keep a positive outlook after 6 weeks though.  It's exactly why people with chronic pain and illness have an incredibly high rate of also suffering from depression.  It's as if something is constantly weighing you down.

This week D and I will be meeting with a homebirth midwife.  We haven't decided if this is the route for us, but I need to find out if it's even a possibility for us.  I had high blood pressure the last couple weeks of my pregnancy with L, so maybe that alone risks me out.  I need to know that it's not an option for me to be able to commit to a hospital birth.  I actually really like my Dr, and if she would be there for my birth, I would have much less hesitation.  But she wont be- well she is on call once a week for a 12 hr shift....so basically I can't count on it.  But money is also a factor- homebirth plus a transfer if needed is A LOT of money.  And then there's all the VBAC things to worry about.

Side note: I was reading some a lot of birth stories; over and over women say contractions felt like really bad menstrual cramps...mine so did not feel like that, if they had I would have rocked my labor.  My contractions felt like a bomb was exploding all over my uterus and ripping me apart...I really need a new game plan for dealing with that this time.

This week we will also have our NT ultrasound.  I'm all for screenings, it's important for me to know about the health of this baby.  I don't think there will be any concerns, but I'm looking forward to the high resolution ultrasound- I need something about this pregnancy to get enjoyable really quick.

I keep wondering about the gender of this baby- a lot of pressure from friends, family to have a girl- ok guys, I'll get on that!  Honestly, I would like a girl, but not for the reason that I wouldn't want a boy.  I want a girl for the reason that it will be easier to not have any more children if I choose not to.  Basically that concept started due to how difficult this pregnancy has been.  I always wanted 3 kids, maybe 4- but now I just want to never experience this ever again.  This 1st trimester hasn't been far from a nightmare and has even taken me to some dark places.

Hopefully things will get better soon.  Of course there will be the first kicks, finding out the sex, actually looking pregnant- not bloated, organizing newborn stuff.......bring on that second trimester!

It's been a while...

I am really slacking on updating this blog, but thats to be expected.  It's much faster paced where we live now, I'm working, L is a handful, and who has time for blogging...

The last few weeks haven't been great.  I found out I was pregnant and then I found out I wasn't any more, all in a matter 4 days.  It was a chemical pregnancy / early miscarriage.  Something I have never experienced before but always heard a about.  We were really excited when we found out I was pregnant, even though a huge part of me didn't believe it or trust it.  But the next day I felt pregnant and began to get a little more excited.  Even still, I kept testing to see if the test line would appear darker- this is something I didn't do with L, and I just knew I was going ot have a baby when I found out with L- this time I didn't.  The test line started to get lighter, and within a couple days was so light that I knew.  I went back and forth with tricking myself into thinking it was only a few days and my hcg levels could still be really low...but I also knew.  And then I got my period.  I'm grateful this happened early and my body handled it the way it should.  I currently have a client who experienced a miscarriage at 12 weeks, very far along and needing medical assistance.  I have to say I was devastated for a few days, but I am ultimately ok.  Obviously hearing about people being pregnant with the same due date I would have had hurts a little, but I don't view this loss as the loss of a baby or child.  I'm sure there are others who read this blog and may feel differently, but I lost some obviously damaged cells- early miscarriages are usually due to non viable eggs/sperm with chromosome abnormalities.

My only concern was that breastfeeding somehow contributed to the miscarriage.  The night after getting a darker positive test and feeling very pregnant, I nursed L.  It was incredibly painful, I was cramping, and feeling very uncomfortable, light headed, almost like mild labor.  So uncomfortable that I had to stop nursing.  The next day my symptoms faded- as did the test result.  I haven't nursed L since, but he also hasn't really asked.

L is getting so much more independent.  We decided to get a family membership to the YMCA- it's close, they have a pool, FREE childcare, lots of free family stuff, and it's affordable!  I was a little worried the first time we took L to their childcare that he would freak out.  My previous experiences of daycare, or just walking away from him to use the bathroom have turned into crying spells.  But he has gone twice and not cried at all!  He calls the place "special grandmas house" because we were told during our tour that during the morning hours the workers are grandmas.  It feels like he is ready to start preschool, and even a little daycare if I need to relieve my mom from always watching him while I work.

Happy Mother's Day

The other day I told D-   I don't care if we never celebrate my birthday ever again, as long as we celebrate mothers day-  because that actually matters!  Being a mom is the hardest, most meaningful, and amazing accomplishment of my life.

Last night D and I went to dinner while L spent time with his grandma.  It's the first time I have been out to eat at a nice restaurant- it's been nearly impossible to find good dinning while adhering to the dairy free needs of my little bear.  So we discovered Gather in Berkeley- they offer vegan, gluten free, and meat entrees- something for everyone.  I had a vegan kale caesar salad, a vegan pizza, and the best part- vega carrot cake for dessert.  It was AMAZING, and I can't wait to try more vegan cuisine since it's a guarantee we wont be dealing with dairy.

Leigh at Marvelous Kiddo- one of my favorite blogs- has a mothers day post with beautiful pictures capturing different mommy moments.  Here are a few of my favorite:

Saying Bye to 2010

This was a crazy year- my first pregnancy, our first son born and growing to 4 months.  Other things happened- like work, home, life, but everything revolved around L.  We didn't do too much work on the house, but we had our first successful garden that yielded many HUGE zucchinis, corn, sweet and juicy tomatoes, herbs, and peppers.  We built our deck in my 3rd trimester, with the help of my cousin.  

I have to say 2010 was a heck of a lot better then 2009...that was the year my grandfather passed away, as well as our dear kitten- it was an emotional year.  I am looking forward to 2011, watching my son grow, growing myself as a mother.  I am not however looking forward to ending my maternity leave.  I am never one to make or keep resolutions- on the rare occasion I have made them.  Yet this year I just have to make some commitments with myself.  I really need to begin exercising again.  I am ashamed to admit but I haven't exercised since about 6 weeks in to the pregnancy- when my morning sickness started.  I feel weak and out of shape, which is not fun!  I am not sure how I will manage working out, returning to my job, taking care of L, keeping the house clean, etc...I am still brainstorming a way to balance everything.  Besides exercise my only other resolutions will be to continue to be devoted to L, nurture him and be present with him, and to make time/plans for D and I to have "date nights".

We aren't doing any major celebrating tonight for NYE- just staying in, making dinner, possibly watching a movie.  Tomorrow is a service for D's uncle who last monday passed away due to cancer (I really hate cancer BTW).  It will be sad to start out the new year with such a loss, but it reminds me that life is short, to enjoy it now, and spend it with those I love.  

Mom Shoes

So we all hear about pregnancy changing our bodies, and yes, my body is different then before L- just not in the way I expected.  Fortunately I lost all the "baby weight"... though my shape feels a little different, but I can fit into all my old clothes.  My shoes however are a different story, I can no longer wear many of them.  I blame this in part on my feet growing (yes, feet grow and remain larger after pregnancy for many women), getting used to wearing only flip flops (its all I could wear at the end with the heat and the swelling), and some changes in my posture.  I have so many cute heals and it's just too uncomfortable to walk around in heals- add carrying a baby and it's just not doable.  So enter what I deem "mom shoes".  I got a pair of "as cute as possible" danskos with great arch support.  They are growing on me because they are red (love red shoes), and they are very comfy.