2nd verse- same as the first?

So I'm in the second trimester- and it's still pretty rough.  I'm almost 15 weeks and was really hoping the nausea and overall weak feeling would be gone.  I have been able to attend L's preschool more frequently, which I love.  And I am a little less nauseated, but if I don't get enough rest, or move around too quickly- puking happens.  I think I can say this pregnancy is harder then the last.  I was working 32 hrs a week and commuting 1 hr each day and I was able to do it after the first week of nausea hell.  This time if I had those same commitments I would be even more of a wreck then I already am.

I have been trying to eat a lot of protein and whole foods- when I can get them down I do feel better.  A hardboiled egg with some avocado and a pinch of salt has been my go to breakfast.  I still seem to need a starch to help with stomach acid, but I am so happy to not just be ingesting terrible grain based, sugar based foods.  I have also been loving milk- which is insane since I do not like milk, we never drink it in our home for several reasons- but it's working for me right now and in the big scheme of things is healthier then some other stuff I can stomach.

Next week we may find out the sex of this baby- I hope I will get excited after that.  This pregnancy has a lot more uncertainty then the last one; we might (I really want to) move into a better fitting home, insurance is horrendous, maternity leave is going to be harder as I am self employed, our renters may be moving out around the time the baby is due, birth options are a constant concern on my mind, and L has really been regressing with all the changes of me being so sick.

I'm so tired of being sick, I miss having energy, I miss exercise (I laugh at my previous ambitions of continuing to run into pregnancy- I'm lucky if I walk around on some days), and I want to have the same excited happiness I felt last pregnancy.  Work is going well- I'm proud I have been able to hang on to that at least.  I haven't missed a single appointment.  I found another therapist to sublease my office a couple days that I do see patients, and possibly more days as I go on maternity leave.  It's nice to know some of my expenses will be covered.  

L was Buzz Lightyear for halloween.  It was cute, he was pretty scared the skulls, blinking eye decorations, but he did go to a few houses and get some candy.  At the first couple houses he tried to walk inside- it was cute, but I had to remind him that we only ring the doorbell and stay on the porch.  I can't wait for Christmas, L is going to love it this year, and I BETTER feel better by then, or this uterus is seriously closed for business indefinitely...

1st Trimester Nightmare

This is a giant whine/bitch fest....never before pregnant women, read at your own risk and know that not everyone feels this shitty.

I forgot how difficult the 1st trimester is.  It's been about 6 weeks since I started feeling the "morning sickness", and although the peak of that seems to be ending, I am now being detained by incredibly painful headaches. I keep trying to figure out if this is how I felt with L (the headaches are for sure a new thing), or if it's worse, and also, when exactly did I get better.  I know it did get better, the second trimester and most of the third weren't too bad.  I had a lot of Braxton hicks contractions, but no nausea,  and no pain that couldn't be helped with massage or a warm bath.

I guess I assumed since I was in better shape this time, I wouldn't suffer too much in the beginning.  I guess having a toddler that does not think it's ok for mama to rest is probably not helping my case.

I want to be excited about this pregnancy, and I want to enjoy fall- I F*CKING love fall (the weather, the foods, the fun stuff to do with L).  But I honestly feel like my life is on hold.  I spend the days I can resting, laying down, drinking insane amounts of club soda (something about the carbonation stops me from vomiting it up).  If I overdo it, I suffer the consequences...either some awesome puke session or a headache that brings me to tears.  Chocolate helps the headaches though (maybe the combination of sugar and caffiene), learned that last night.

I have missed almost every day of L's preschool.  D has been great and attending them all.  I hate that I am not able to be there for L like I want.  I get sh*t from some women who did not have difficult pregnancies saying I should just, "drink ginger ale, eat small meals, and force yourself to do things".  It's frustrating, but ultimately they don't know what they are talking about because even the mildest birth control hormones cause vomiting in me (aka hormone changes and me are not friends), and there's a whole lot more hormone changes going on right now then in those ridiculous nuva rings (seriously lame invention imo).  Then I also get the, "isn't there anything you can take, maybe your Dr. can prescribe something?" BS that some people try to pull on me.  NOPE, don't feel like taking a drug that isn't considered extremely safe unless I am having serious consequences (loosing a lot of weight, dehydrated, can't keep anything down).  I would rather alter my life, take it as easy as I can, then pop a pill that probably wont be very effective and cause a slew of shitty side effects (main one being really bad constipation- so yes shitty).

It's been hard to keep a positive outlook after 6 weeks though.  It's exactly why people with chronic pain and illness have an incredibly high rate of also suffering from depression.  It's as if something is constantly weighing you down.

This week D and I will be meeting with a homebirth midwife.  We haven't decided if this is the route for us, but I need to find out if it's even a possibility for us.  I had high blood pressure the last couple weeks of my pregnancy with L, so maybe that alone risks me out.  I need to know that it's not an option for me to be able to commit to a hospital birth.  I actually really like my Dr, and if she would be there for my birth, I would have much less hesitation.  But she wont be- well she is on call once a week for a 12 hr shift....so basically I can't count on it.  But money is also a factor- homebirth plus a transfer if needed is A LOT of money.  And then there's all the VBAC things to worry about.

Side note: I was reading some a lot of birth stories; over and over women say contractions felt like really bad menstrual cramps...mine so did not feel like that, if they had I would have rocked my labor.  My contractions felt like a bomb was exploding all over my uterus and ripping me apart...I really need a new game plan for dealing with that this time.

This week we will also have our NT ultrasound.  I'm all for screenings, it's important for me to know about the health of this baby.  I don't think there will be any concerns, but I'm looking forward to the high resolution ultrasound- I need something about this pregnancy to get enjoyable really quick.

I keep wondering about the gender of this baby- a lot of pressure from friends, family to have a girl- ok guys, I'll get on that!  Honestly, I would like a girl, but not for the reason that I wouldn't want a boy.  I want a girl for the reason that it will be easier to not have any more children if I choose not to.  Basically that concept started due to how difficult this pregnancy has been.  I always wanted 3 kids, maybe 4- but now I just want to never experience this ever again.  This 1st trimester hasn't been far from a nightmare and has even taken me to some dark places.

Hopefully things will get better soon.  Of course there will be the first kicks, finding out the sex, actually looking pregnant- not bloated, organizing newborn stuff.......bring on that second trimester!

I've Been MIA...

Well a lot has happened that I would have liked to blog about- L turned 2, we had a sweet birthday party for him, L started preschool and it's seriously the most amazing preschool ever, work has been going well, and the big one:

Cherry Baby #2!

Which is also the reason I haven't posted in forever- so sick.  I'm one of those lucky women who get extremely nauseated with hormonal changes, pregnancy being an obvious one.  But here I am almost 10 weeks feeling slightly normal.

5 Miles for 4 Years

Yesterday D and I ran 5 miles, it was also our 4 year anniversary.  It was a good run; I initially doubted I would make it 5 due to having a sick toddler keeping me up the night before and being exhausted.  But after about 2 miles it got easier and I even sprinted the last mile.  Ee did it on treadmills, which makes it much more of an accomplishment.  The treadmills at the YMCA are wonderful, they have great shock absorbency and in comparison our home treadmill seems dangerous with just plywood under the belt.  We are selling it by the way- it's a good treadmill, served me very well and got me into running.  But we don't run at home very much any more, and the YMCA membership offers childcare and a pool, family activities...so we never use it any more.

After the run we rested a bit at home and then I went to work.  I had a few clients that evening- overall I am getting a lot more clients and the practice is filling up almost to what I want as my maximum.  L went to stay with Babka while D and I went out to dinner.  It was a very nice restaurant with a michelin star...and the prices to go with it.  But we figured for not being able to take a vacation or a couple days away, it was well worth it.

Of course since L had been sick, I had to finally come down with what he had.  So at some point during our dinner I noticed a scratchy throat, head ache, and overall fatigue.  It progressed and I am still nursing this mild flu/cold today.

It's been a while...

I am really slacking on updating this blog, but thats to be expected.  It's much faster paced where we live now, I'm working, L is a handful, and who has time for blogging...

The last few weeks haven't been great.  I found out I was pregnant and then I found out I wasn't any more, all in a matter 4 days.  It was a chemical pregnancy / early miscarriage.  Something I have never experienced before but always heard a about.  We were really excited when we found out I was pregnant, even though a huge part of me didn't believe it or trust it.  But the next day I felt pregnant and began to get a little more excited.  Even still, I kept testing to see if the test line would appear darker- this is something I didn't do with L, and I just knew I was going ot have a baby when I found out with L- this time I didn't.  The test line started to get lighter, and within a couple days was so light that I knew.  I went back and forth with tricking myself into thinking it was only a few days and my hcg levels could still be really low...but I also knew.  And then I got my period.  I'm grateful this happened early and my body handled it the way it should.  I currently have a client who experienced a miscarriage at 12 weeks, very far along and needing medical assistance.  I have to say I was devastated for a few days, but I am ultimately ok.  Obviously hearing about people being pregnant with the same due date I would have had hurts a little, but I don't view this loss as the loss of a baby or child.  I'm sure there are others who read this blog and may feel differently, but I lost some obviously damaged cells- early miscarriages are usually due to non viable eggs/sperm with chromosome abnormalities.

My only concern was that breastfeeding somehow contributed to the miscarriage.  The night after getting a darker positive test and feeling very pregnant, I nursed L.  It was incredibly painful, I was cramping, and feeling very uncomfortable, light headed, almost like mild labor.  So uncomfortable that I had to stop nursing.  The next day my symptoms faded- as did the test result.  I haven't nursed L since, but he also hasn't really asked.

L is getting so much more independent.  We decided to get a family membership to the YMCA- it's close, they have a pool, FREE childcare, lots of free family stuff, and it's affordable!  I was a little worried the first time we took L to their childcare that he would freak out.  My previous experiences of daycare, or just walking away from him to use the bathroom have turned into crying spells.  But he has gone twice and not cried at all!  He calls the place "special grandmas house" because we were told during our tour that during the morning hours the workers are grandmas.  It feels like he is ready to start preschool, and even a little daycare if I need to relieve my mom from always watching him while I work.

30 before 30

I forget to do this after my birthday (so one is already completed).  Last year I didn't accomplish a few keys things, but hopefully this year I can get back on track.

1. Throw L's 2 year bday party at our home.
2. Go on a family trip
3. Read at least 3 books (Again)
4. Go on a family camping trip (these seem awfully appealing with a baby)
5. Take L to the beach
6. Plan a special 30th birthday for D basically this didn't happen because I was puking too much :(
7. Grow my private practice (aka actually have income)
8. Enroll preschool
9. Continue being healthy
10. Become pregnant with our second child
11. Take L to the SF MOMA
12. Make L a train table for his Birthday
13. Do monthly dates with D- and actually go out- do not stay home and clean!
14. Grow vegetables in pots
15. Wean L from nursing (we are so close)
16. Get L to fall asleep without walking/nursing/driving down (having some success but not consistently)
17. Complete a half-marathon (13.1)
18. Organize the house
19. Eliminate Junk
20. Get a gardener (we can go back and fourth about being capable of cutting the grass and blowing the leaves regularly, but we never do, it's time for a change)
21. Take a family photo (or a few)
22. Wear a dress to work (this seems pointless but, I want to incorporate non pant items as professional wear)
23. Finish watching The Wire (just started the third season- totally addicted- Omar blows me away)
24. Use my Bikram Yoga Groupon
25. Eliminate Debt
26. Save at least $250.00 every month and rebuild our savings
27. Potty Train L (I keep putting this off)
28. Be able to park in our garage
29. Grow out my hair and go more blonde
30. Go out without D and L more often

Falling

Today I experienced my first fall while running.  It wasn't too bad, scraped my knees, bruised the bottom of my right hand where it meets the wrist, but amazingly didn't break my phone.

Hopefully I will be out there tomorrow since D and I signed up for a half marathon that takes place on his 30th birthday in October.  The thing is though, neither of us have been keeping up with regular running or working out. Hopefully this will be our motivator.

In other news- we got into the preschool we wanted for L.  It's only 1 day a week and parent participation, but it's so neat, very nature based.  My practice is picking up and it looks like I may actually bring in some income this month- meaning I will make more then my expenses for the month.  This is a big deal since my office rent doubled to it's full amount this month.

L's 2 year birthday is coming up very soon.  I have yet to really plan anything or settle on a date.  D and I also have an anniversary coming up and need to plan that.  L has been like a little hulk- so much energy and emotion and no way of regulating it yet.  He is in this new phase where he "hates" daddy when I am around.  So we hear a lot of "No, no Daddy, just mommy" or "not daddy's, only mommys" - that last one is in reference to the new family iPad.  Sometimes L and I will be in his bed reading and D will walk into the room and L screams and tantrums, "no, no daddy".  Poor D and poor me, I can't get a break without a tantrum.  But hey- L has really cut down on the hitting and hating of other children!  It's so true that with kids everything is always changing...

Creeping up on two years....

 

I haven't been blogging much...obviously.

This has been a very trying time for me with all the changes, moving, starting my practice, raising a strong willed toddler, slowly weaning, financial issues.  It's incredible how much I have been thrown off balance.  Just when I felt like things were picking up with my practice and I was gaining some ground financially- we get a huge expense over at our rented house.  Basically washed away all I have saved up.

L is getting so big and smart - but honestly I have been really burnt out with his whining and tantrums.  It's not that I can't find peace during these moments, it's that I often wake up at 6am to L staring me in the face screaming/whining.  He is an early waker and it's no lie I am NOT a morning person.  So it's been overwhelming for me to have to deal with the fussiness the second I open my eyes.

L and I are doing swim lessons- we are having a much better experience with L being around other toddlers/kids at the swimming class then we did at Little Gym.  The water has always been his favorite thing, and maybe - I don't want to jinx it - but maybe he is growing out of that stage a little bit.  Hopefully by September when he starts preschool it will be a lot better.

The weaning has been going ok- I have been nursing him on average about 3 times a week.  In dire situations at night I have nursed him to sleep- but we avoid it at all costs.  he still asks for it and even cries and tantrums some days int he morning.  But I am working on distracting him and finding other ways to comfort him.  I notice I am more emotional on the days I nurse now versus the way it used to be- where I got emotional on the days I didn't nurse.  Hormones are shifting.

But the main point of this post- L is now 22 months, he is almost 2 years old!  He is so quickly becoming less and less baby.  We are planning on doing a small mainly family and close friends birthday party at our home.  We plan to discourage presents because seriously, L doesn't need any more toys, especially since we plan on getting him a few things our selves.  I know that grandparents will still get gifts- I won't take that joy away from them...

Above are a few pics of L in the wagon with his "lily muffins".  She isn't a huge fan of staying in the wagon, but was compliant enough for a few pics.  Below are pics of L wearing his PG&E dress up outfit- his first dress up outfit.  D worked on a shoot for PG&E and they didn't need these any more so D was able to snag some new "gear".