Mornings

Sometimes I get a morning to myself- it's rare, it's often very early, but I really do love them.  Especially this morning because we have finally started to get some rain in California.  While most of the country has been struggling with extreme weather conditions, California's winter has been more like a cold spring, things are blooming here and it's barely into February.

Today I woke up as D was leaving, the dog didn't want to let me sleep, and I'm glad.  It's been about 30 min so far that I have had completely to me, sipping coffee, listening to the rain.  Hey, the blog even gets a few pictures because of this morning.

 This is what is happening in our living room, vintage sofa and chair from my mom, but originally from her aunt.  Her story is an immigrants story for sure- came to New York, worked as a live in housekeeper all her life for a wealthy older woman who had no heirs, and who then left all her money and belongings to my great Aunt.  The couch and wing chairs have been recovered (and will be again when the kids are a bit older) but still hold their antique charm.  The rest of the room is stuff we have had, the infamous fauxdenza sits under the TV and gallery wall- I will have to do a post on how that has turned out since I never followed up with that after we built it.

I love this picture, makes the living room look darling, and L is perched how he usually is in the morning watching some cartoons.  We have a lot of natural light that comes into the living room.





















Meals as of late- eggplant fries with walnut oil based aioli (with some sriracha because it was the Super Bowl), and then eggs with bok choy (one of my fav greens to have for breakfast), almonds, and pomegranate seeds.  I think eating real food and eliminating grains has made the food we eat more colorful and beautiful to look at.

E loves to eat, here she is enjoying some goat cheese- those blue eyes mesmerize me every time.  We still do full fat yogurts and occasional organic cheeses with the kids.  D and I rarely partake because both of us seem to have negative consequences when we do- for him it's lactose intolerance- for me, I get a headache, stuffy sinuses, and it makes me moody.  Strange I know, but it's amazing what you notice after you eliminate something then slowly add it back to your diet.

Today on the docket is taking a shower (this will be a challenge with both the kids and just me), delivering some business cards to a doctors office- it's wonderful having consistent referral sources, returning library books, just hanging out with the kids- oh and if I can manage, bathing the dog- she stinky and like a third child.

Sick

Well it finally happened- the whole family got sick.  Probably not the flu since the fevers were low grade or absent (in D at least), but a nasty cold hit our home last week and is still taking us down.  I'm back at work, but my chest is wheezy and achy and the couch is lingering.  Besides that most of my energy is finally back, L is much better (because he is off the hook whiney when he is sick!), and E & D seem to be healing as well.

Having two kids when everyone is sick, and one of those kids being L is soooo hard!  L became quite intense, needy with this cold and all of my reserves were depleted on my own sickness and taking care of E.  Needless to say I didn't win any awards for best mom, or great parenting.  Thankfully it will be over soon and we can get back to being a better version of ourselves aka, healthy.

I am really proud of myself for not getting crap while sick.  When I get any upper respiratory infection or frankly any illness, I despise veggies, especially fresh one, and crave comfort foods, carby, sweet, starches.  This time I had some mild cravings but they were manageable and I just continued eating real meat/eggs/veggies/fruits/nuts foods and I think that contributed to me not getting as sick as I could have and not having much nasal congestion- dairy and sweets cause me to get "stuffy".

You may be noticing that I haven't posted a picture on here in a while- it's because I'm a bit lazy and a bit too busy.  I used to avoid blogging because I didn't have the time to make a nice looking post with pictures, but then I decided I wanted to post and really the words and my process are the most important, not how entertaining it looks.  Ideally I will start posting pictures again, but I'm still getting my footing with being a working mom of two who's fiercely committed to eating really food and being on top of my life (by life I mean my own behaviors/responses to the world).

Journey to Wellness

The title sounds epically cheesy, but thats where I find myself right now.  It's been about 4 weeks of making major changes in my diet and exercise plans and I find myself on a journey to wellness.  What I'm doing is ditching grains, sugar, processed food.  I'm eating meats, bone broth, veggies galore, some fruits, nuts and but butters, fats, and the occasional treat like dark chocolate/red wine.  I would say I am about 90/10 or 95/5 with treats. This has been surprisingly easy since the treats make me feel like crap.
 I'm not trying to run 4 days a week any more, just doing some short weight/body resistant exercises, walking more, and occasionally running.

What are the changes I have seen so far?  Lets start with the physical:

PHYSICAL CHANGES:

I have lost about 3-5 lbs.  Now I give a range because it fluctuates, and honestly I am not too sure I even care to look at lb loss, you'll see why in the next few points.  My clothes are getting much looser, I have more muscle definition (but guess what, I'm barely even working out! Oh the horror!!!!), I have lost at least 1.5 inches off my waist (I didn't start checking this till a few weeks in, so I believe it would be more), I feel more stable/solid when doing exercises or movements that require balance.  I also notice I have more consistent energy level.  It doesn't mean I never get tired, I still drink coffee in the morning.  But I don't have the drastic ups and downs I used to have when eating grains.  I also have little to no stomach discomfort.  Now I have never been someone who suffered from major stomach issues or IBS, but I didn't realize how much better it could be till changing my diet.  I am now incredible sensitive to eating foods that are not good for me- I had a small amount of dark chocolate and green beans (which are actually legumes), one of them does not agree with me- will have to experiment to see which at a later time.

Now the more important ones that make doing and sticking to this so easy, psychological changes.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES:

Almost immediately I noticed improved mood, more consistent mood, more energy, clearer thinking (literally felt like my thoughts had slowed down), and this has made sticking to the diet changes so easy.  When you suffer for long enough and finally come out of it, the fear of going back can be incredibly motivating.  So does this mean that I am always incredibly happy go lucky and never feel upset or down?  No, but overall I am happier, I can recognize what brings about changes in my mood, besides just randomly (well probably not randomly, but blood sugar or diet related) feeling bad.  I am much less anxious, my BP is less reactive.  I have always had a pretty sensitive BP, white coat syndrome, etc.  I had to go to the Dr twice about 2 weeks into the diet changes and obviously was anxious (though not as intense as in the past) and my BP was fantastic, better then it had been when I weighed 15 lbs less and exercised A LOT.  What do you think about them apples!?!  I was impressed.

FAMILY CHANGES:

D and I and E (we always try to include L) eat all our meals together (when we are home), prepare our meals together at home, and actually enjoy/discuss our food together while eating it.  It seems like even though we are buying more expensive foods- organic, grass-fed, whole foods, we are saving a significant amount of money by not eating out often, and by often I mean maybe 1 meal a week we grabbed some chipotle.

My biggest sadness/frustration/hurdle right now is L's diet.  I am not sure how to even begin his transition.  So he's incredibly smart, strong willed, and sensitive and has a love for grains, breads, pastas, cakes, cookies.  He literally dreams about his birthday cake Babka made and wakes up telling me about it.  Chocolate is his life blood-ha!  Often times he refuses anything remotely whole food like and then has terrible behavior because he is hungry.  I have been debating trying gluten free options with him first, and of course we continue to offer our real and healthy foods- without much success at all.  I know how powerful food can be for children, and his behavior clearly changes for the worse when he is given a bunch of sugar.  I don't plan to have him never eat grains or sugar while out at a birthday party or in school during snack, but I want him to eat well when he is with us, which is a lot of the time.  I think I'm struggling because I don't want to be the "bad guy" and create issues of control around food.  Words of wisdom on this appreciated.

Primal

Something that I have toyed with in the past has finally become something I am committing to.  Last week I removed all grains, sugar, dairy from my diet.  We have done paleo/primal stints before, but this time I think I finally jumped in with both feet- and boy am I happy I did!

I haven't posted much in this last year, but if I had you would have really noticed a change in my mood/outlook.  Something must have happened to be physically/hormonally during this pregnancy, combined with some situational stressors, but I would say I was depressed, overly anxious, and unable to move past it with my usual techniques.

I have to say that within this last week (yep, juts one week), my mood is markedly improved, it's more stable, and my focus, ability to be mindful, is back.  I'm just an n of 1 but this makes me want to sing the diet changes praises.  I thought it would be harder then it has been, and I think what makes it so much easier this time is due to the fact that I had reached a bottom with how I felt.

Fortunately E is just naturally a primal baby- her favorite foods are eggs, turkey, butter, bacon, green beans, and rice cereal (not primal).  Yep, she loves proteins, fats, and veggies, oh and of course she is still nursing for most her food sources.  She dislikes most fruits, and oatmeal, although we keep trying to introduce new foods.  It seems sweet is a flavor is dislikes.  Now L, he will be our challenge.  L would eat cookies, cake, ice cream, and chocolate every day all day.  He dislikes most meat except deli meat occasionally.  But we are working with what we have, offering berries, nuts, eggs.

It's fascinating to me the connection between mood and mental health- depression and diabetes are heavily correlated, and I can not deny that blood sugar swinging contributes to mood instability.  And the addictive power of sugar, wow.  This experience has sparked a strong desire to learn more about the science behind this and to understand nutrition as medicine.

Where have I been?

We've been busy, very busy.

We almost moved back to our old house.

But then...

We bought a house up here.

And...

We are in contract selling our old house.

It's been crazy, emotional, fun, exciting, and almost too good to be true.

We are currently doing a few things to the new house before we move in, before Thanksgiving!

Painting, floors, cleaning...

We are so excited to welcome the kids to the new space.

And so it goes...

This blog is rarely going to get updated....deal with it.

I'm back to work, we're juggling our crazy ever changing work schedules.  Literally D & I can have our whole weeks schedule change in a matter of minutes.  I have to say this is a huge source of stress for our family.  At least if we worked a set time/schedule we could build around it.  Some days I go from having 1 client to having 3, or the other way around.  Some weeks D is scheduled to work 5 days then it's down to two.  Making plans is hard, so I try to be more spontaneous and just do things when we both happen to have time off.

L started preschool- like the kind where we don't go with him.  The first day was great, the second day was HORRIBLE.  It took me 35 min and a lollipop to get him out of the car, then he ended up breaking down about 2 hrs in to the day screaming, crying, peed himself and refused to let the teachers change his clothes.  I picked him up early, still in his pee clothes.  The third day we re-evaluated and did a short day, he was content and stayed an extra 20 min to finish the activity.  But of course now he has a cold and our groove is gone.  He missed today for being sick.

But overall I think L turning 3 will be the start of things getting a bit easier with him.  Everyone kept telling us 3 is worse then 2, but I think it depends on the child.  L is already showing more ability to regulate his emotions, be more sensitive of others feelings, communicate more effectively, and OMG he has practically stopped hitting kids.  This is HUGE, we can take him to the park and have fun.  I think E has been a big influence on him.  I will watch L be drawn to babies at the park, and be extra careful around them and watch over them.  Before he used to hit them and knock them down.

We took L to the beach for the first time, he was amazed at the ocean, but grossed out by the seaweed on the sand and the feeling of the sand in his shoes/on his feet.  He is totally my son.  We also took him bowling- that was fun.  In all the craziness we updated our fireplace with a magnetic chalkboard.  E is teething up a storm, but still sleeping like a champ at night and when we go out.  Overall this parenting 2 kids is starting to make sense....but that will change again soon I'm sure.  My goal for L's 3rd year, and E's first, is to make it about experiences, not things.  My pregnancy was so physically hard and we were busy working that I feel L missed out.  He also has too many "things-" grandparents can be pretty bad with boundaries about gifts.  It makes me sad when L wants to stay home all day and use the ipad or play with his toys.  Yes he is looking to be an introvert who is slow to warm up, but I think balance is important. So we are planning more days to parks, events, trips to out of town, and experiences that will hopefully be memorable and meaningful for our kids.

I started running again- finished up week 4 of C25K- seems harder then last time.  We are looking for new renters since our tenants are moving out (surprisingly not as stressed about this as I should be- I miss that house and constantly think about moving back).  D & I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary, I wish we could have done something more then a lunch date eating out and a movie, next year.

They grow so fast

Life with 2 kids is survival. Some days, mostly moments I think we have finally got this, but more often I think we are failing/drowning.  Over this last weekend we had a few successes such as clearing out some of the garage, taking some cute pics of the kids with a real camera- not an iPhone, finishing laundry (oh there's a new batch to be done), having a few minutes of adult talk.  But then we had two big boo boos- E bumped the back of her head and got her first boo boo.  Nothing major, but still so sad to see her cry.  L had a pretty intense boo boo- he got a gash on his forehead from running straight into the corner of our counter- the smack was so loud, he was immediately on the floor with blood gushing out.  Fortunately the bleeding stopped and he acts like it's barely there any more.

I'm doubting we will ever find a rhythm with 2 kids- but logic tells me we will.  E is so easy, just a normal newborn needing to be nursed, changed, and cuddled- but sleeps so nicely and enjoys being put down and just talked to.  L is still very intense and needs so much from me, he is always asking, "mama, will you play with me?"  It's in the sweetest voice, so darling and innocent- but I can't always play with him.  So I tell him, "soon", "after I feed your sister", "not right now".  And I feel guilty.  But sometimes he doesn't accept those answers and he screams- a horrible scream, and I just wish he would go away and leave me alone to care for the newborn that can't care herself.....and then I feel guilty.  Sometimes I look down at E after jostling her a little too much to navigate preparing Ls snack or rush into the room to check on him..and I see a sad little face thats saying, "mommy be more gentle"...this makes me sad and guilty.

Having two is hard- makes having one seem like nothing (well if the one was easy like E...L was not nothing as a newborn!).  I compare them a lot like that, easy versus hard- I am just so amazed by the difference in intensity, needs, temperament, and sleep/eat/diaper habits.  I wonder if having E by VBAC has impacted her in positive ways, I wonder if me being dairy free right away has helped prevent so many of Ls gassy tummy problems.  Or maybe it's just their personalities....whatever it is I am amazed daily by this.  As I look through the pictures I am also amazed by how different they look from each other.

Bedtime is such a sh*t show at our house- L just wont fall asleep quickly or without our help- for a while he was asking for me only- so if I needed to feed E he would fall apart....day time I can survive alone, bedtime is a two person job so my mom or D have had to come by.  I hope we can find some solutions to bedtime soon.

But the point of this post- they grow so fast!

Turning 30

Yep- it happened.  But really I just wanted to post these pics: