My anxiety really flourishes in times of growth, challenge, and desire. And lately my self care has been suffering; eating shitty food, exercising less (still doing it but with a shitty attitude), wasting time worrying and planning- the end result being some sort of motivation paralysis...
I have my first licensing exam coming up and I think it's the main culprit to me delving into some poor health practices. I am remembering what a mess I was during school- which is a breeding ground for anxiety...
So I have this exam coming up and it's a big deal- but not such a big deal that I could not reschedule it or even re-take it if needed. But it's also a big deal in my mind because I am already trying to figure out what it means when I have passed both exams- private practice, part time job and private practice, no job, job. Then this sets off the thoughts about where should we live- if I do my practice should I move to a more affluent city, if I work should I be closer to my mom so she can help with L, can we even afford to think about this...
And then lets add some good old hormones to this mix...
I want another baby. Sure I always said I wanted more then one child, sure I always said I wanted a sibling for L- but not until recently has my heart/brain practically demanded it! It's a funny thing- the desire to have kids- it's very obsessive, overpowering, maybe even a little debilitating. Clearly when and how it all fits with the other things mentioned is a vast wasteland of analysis...
Oh and did I mention hormones? Yeah well mine are not in line with any of this- breastfeeding is keeping me infertile (not permanently but for now!). It's great not having a period, it sucks that I always think I am about to start one, and it really sucks that even when we want to make more babies it wont happen till this changes.
Weaning is totally an option- but not really. This kid loves the boob! I love being able to nurse him and I do not want to know what tantrums would look like without boob! Also the WHO recommends nursing for 2 years at least (my goal I guess). And this is not the time to make major changes to my body chemistry. From the short nursing strikes L has had- I know I am very reactive to the hormonal changes that come with decreased and lack of nursing. So weaning while studying for an exam concern me...and I kind of had this vision of nursing through pregnancy and tandem nursing
Just to top my brain off- financial woes. When I created my 28 for 28 list I listed several financial goals that I must have been high while making...lets just say making ends meet is the goal now- not awesome savings.
At least I have less of a headache after typing it all out.
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