Happy Halloween

We took L trick or treating down town.  He was very serious for the most part, but really loved placing his candy in his bag.  He probably had the most fun walking with his cousin- they have such a great connection and the pictures of them melt my heart.

Duck

 

Running Joke

D thinks it's hilarious that I commented on how these "little bears" are in group therapy....he can't read it to L without a chuckle.

1 down, 1 to go...

I wrote this last night:

"I'm taking my first licensing test tomorrow- I am in a way freaking out, in a way checked out.  I didn't study for this the way I studied in college.  I listened to some friends and just took a ton of practice exams through a test prep agency.  I also looked at the flash cars a bit.  I haven't told too many people when I am taking the test- D knows, my parents know, my cousin- thats about it.  I hope I pass and will be devastated if I don't."

Well I passed!!!

I expected more relief, but there is a second (said to be more difficult) exam.  I am so close to licensure I can almost taste it.  It's surprisingly terrifying, freeing, emptying, and exactly what I have been working towards.

To be continued...

In the trenches...

Thats where I am right now- L has been cutting his first molars and it's rough.

We also decided to attempt night weaning because he was waking up 3-5 times a night to nurse and sleep in our bed.  As much as I believe in the benefits of co-sleeping and love having L close- I don't enjoy it very much because I don't sleep well and end up in very uncomfortable positions.  Plus in 1 month L fell off our bed twice.  He had never fallen off the bed in 13 months, then bam, TWICE.  And the last time was bad!  Poor guy had a fat lip.  So we decided to loosely follow Jay Gordon's night weaning plan.  Our goal was to not nurse or bring L into our bed between the hours of 11pm and 6am.  Before of after that he could nurse and cuddle in our bed.   But between those hours we would walk him or rock him back to sleep and place him in his crib.

Of course right when we start this L starts cutting molars.  So we have caved in a few nights and nursed/co-slept- because honestly it was a night where nothing worked (actually even nursing and our bed didn't help till the tylenol started working).  Last night was one of those nights...

L went to bed around 7:30, but awoke at 9, then at 10, then again at 10:30.  Fortunately all those times were easy to put him back down.  Then he woke up at 12 and D went in to put him back down and L was inconsolable.  It's so frustrating when this happens- it's supposed to be a time when D steps in and I get to stay asleep.  But then I just lay in bed extremely stressed and upset because I hear L screaming his head off- so no sleep for me.  Last night I was not having it and even screamed out some overly dramatic statement about ending my life because this was absolute torture.  It really does begin to feel like torture when awoken so many times a night to a screaming child.  So I helped D give L Tylenol and we tried the oragel (but L hate it so I doubt we got it on his gums).  Then we brought out the big stops- a cup of water.  When nothing else works L instantly clams down when he can put a hand in a cup of water- he should have been born in the water.  D was able to walk him down after all that.

We are just exhausted over here.  I have never been a great sleeper (yes, I'm sure L gets it from me), D lays his head on the pillow and falls asleep instantly.  Even as a small child I appeared to be an insomniac.  It takes me a while to settle in at night, quiet my mind, calm my body, and actually fall asleep.   So if I am waking up several times, I am also having to re-acclimate myself to falling sleep each time.  It's a frustrating process and I hope that once these molars come in our night weaning plan will bring us some benefits.

Instagram Randoms

Positive

Looking at the positive side of things that have been upsetting me.

L being HARD (a really bad sleeper/self soother, hater of diaper changes, tantruming more and more, climbing everything!)

• Easy pacifier weaning- because he never took one in the first place!
• Easy bottle weaning- he never got attached to them and enjoys trying regular/sippy/straw cups.
• Super smart! This kids is understanding so much more then I thought he would at this point, and he picks up new words really fast (obviously pronunciation is still being worked on).
• Cute as hell- Sure I'm biased, but this kid could be a model...and I guess he is- at least to D and I.
• Healthy Attachment- L is very close to me, D, babka, and his papa.  He is becoming closer to other family members.  He is cautious around new people and strangers.
• Easy to Nurse- well as first it wasn't comfortable, but he has always been a champ.
• Awesome mobility skills- started walking, climbing, and now running...
• Future babies will be the same or easier then L- and since we have survived this, we can survive that.

The dogs driving me CRAZY!

• They do not chew up the house/furniture/baby toys.
• They are never aggressive towards L.
• They tolerate L's not so gentle playing.
• They eat/clean up the food L or I drop.
• They distract L when he is fussy- sometimes I have Pax stand and put his front paws on the changing table to soothe L works every time.
• They are fabulously crate trained- if we don't put them in their crates at night they go in on their own and sleep with the doors open.
• Potty Trained.

I can't seem to pass 15 lbs of weight loss and I'm not loving exercising or healthy eating right now...

• I can run over 5 miles- be it slow, I can still do it.  In January I couldn't even run 1 mile.
• I have lost 15 lbs.- from my pre pregnancy weight, which is a lot...though not where I want to stop.
• I can do a decent amount of real pushups- before I couldn't do any without being on my knees.
• I'm stronger.
• I cook at home more.
• I am still nursing, 14 months strong!- there were times in the beginning where I didn't think I would make it 6 months.

(image via pinterest)

Instagram Randoms

A portal into my mind

My anxiety really flourishes in times of growth, challenge, and desire.  And lately my self care has been suffering; eating shitty food, exercising less (still doing it but with a shitty attitude), wasting time worrying and planning- the end result being some sort of motivation paralysis...

I have my first licensing exam coming up and I think it's the main culprit to me delving into some poor health practices.  I am remembering what a mess I was during school- which is a breeding ground for anxiety...

So I have this exam coming up and it's a big deal- but not such a big deal that I could not reschedule it or even re-take it if needed.  But it's also a big deal in my mind because I am already trying to figure out what it means when I have passed both exams- private practice, part time job and private practice, no job, job.  Then this sets off the thoughts about where should we live- if I do my practice should I move to a more affluent city, if I work should I be closer to my mom so she can help with L, can we even afford to think about this...

And then lets add some good old hormones to this mix...

I want another baby.  Sure I always said I wanted more then one child, sure I always said I wanted a sibling for L- but not until recently has my heart/brain practically demanded it!  It's a funny thing- the desire to have kids- it's very obsessive, overpowering, maybe even a little debilitating.  Clearly when and how it all fits with the other things mentioned is a vast wasteland of analysis...

Oh and did I mention hormones?  Yeah well mine are not in line with any of this- breastfeeding is keeping me infertile (not permanently but for now!).  It's great not having a period, it sucks that I always think I am about to start one, and it really sucks that even when we want to make more babies it wont happen till this changes.

Weaning is totally an option- but not really.  This kid loves the boob!  I love being able to nurse him and I do not want to know what tantrums would look like without boob!  Also the WHO recommends nursing for 2 years at least (my goal I guess).  And this is not the time to make major changes to my body chemistry.  From the short nursing strikes L has had- I know I am very reactive to the hormonal changes that come with decreased and lack of nursing.  So weaning while studying for an exam concern me...and I kind of had this vision of nursing through pregnancy and tandem nursing

Just to top my brain off- financial woes.  When I created my 28 for 28 list I listed several financial goals that I must have been high while making...lets just say making ends meet is the goal now- not awesome savings.

At least I have less of a headache after typing it all out.

Arrested Development

Saw these cute images on pinterest.  Arrested Development is probably my favorite show ever and I have re-watched it multiple times.  It was especially helpful to have on quietly in the background during the first few months of constant night nursing a newborn.  We are over the moon about this news.

Lets Talk About Breasts

(image via pinterest)

Having a baby and breastfeeding has caused me to have a greater appreciation for mine. Although the things that make sexualized breasts appreciated are NOT the same that make feeding  or "working" breasts appreciated....

First, bigger breasts are NOT better for feeding- the size has no impact on milk supply, but can be a pain in the a$$ when trying to feed your newborn (smothering your baby with your boob is not cool).  

Second, the less sensitive the better!  Working breasts go through a lot- scratching, pulling, biting, pinching, needing, suckling, etc....

Third, keeping them hidden and out of reach until needed is your best bet.  Sure, I could put my cleavage on display- but thats just asking for L to start patting them, pulling to expose them, and then tantruming till he gets them.  

Recently I spent some time with a few other nursing moms (with babies 6 months or younger)- when they went to feed their little ones they pulled out a nursing cover and I started to feel uncomfortable about breastfeeding.  I was around other women doing the same thing I do, and instead of feeling liberated and normalized- I felt like there was no way I would whip my breasts out and feed L.   See, we don't use a cover- I tried it when he was really little and it never worked out.  So seeing other women cover up got me questioning whether they would be uncomfortable with me nursing without a cover...and this is a new feeling.  When L was younger and easier to nurse in public and I guess more socially acceptable to nurse- I was fine with it.

And no, I wouldn't deprive L of food just because I felt a little awkward- but now he is almost 14 months, a wriggly distracted nurser, and can get a lot of his nutrition else where.  I am starting to see why many women wean, or at least stop nursing in public...

It's Fall Baby!

13 months come and gone...

So it seems as though the monthly photo shoots stopped at 12 months- that doesn't mean we aren't taking a ridiculous amount of pictures and video (usually just with our phones).  L is over 13 months now and had his 1 year well baby appointment today- yes, a little late.  Our little guy is 23.5 lbs., 31 in. tall, and super cute- yes the Dr. measured for cuteness.

L is in love with B words- ya know; baba (mama and bottle), bur (bird), bow (bowl), baa (ball), bu (book).  He also says da (dog), moo (moon), dada (dada, and the general term for anything he can't say).   His fussy period seems to be ending and we are once again in love.

Last night I was getting giddy thinking about his developing personality, growth, and how truly amazing this little guy is.  I started reading up on potty training too- I was so clueless about when and how to start, but after reading and talking with a few people I think we have a plan.  Soon I hope to get L a potty (or two) and some books on it- this kid loves books.  I must confess that I want to hide certain books of his because he ALWAYS wants to read them and I dread it when he picks them up to bring to me!  Kids books are not always very entertaining for us adults...maybe time for some new ones.

I really want to get him this: Tickle Monster Laughter Kit

Tickle Monster Laughter Kit

Play dates

We hosted a mom group play date last week- L fell asleep so easily after they all left.  Here's a few pics taken by one of the moms...

And here is L- he has become quite the cautious little man when around a lot of new people.