Being a Mother...

This last Saturday I felt something completely new, a mother's pain.  D and I went to get L a passport - not because we have a trip planned but because we wanted to get it out of the way so when we do have a trip to go on we wont have to worry about it.  We even took our own passport photos (you can do that!), but I messed up the head measurements and we needed to get them done at the post office anyways - luckily L was in a good space and it only took a few shots.  I still have to get myself a new passport with my married name - I'm excited about taking the picture myself - this time I will get the measurements right.

We had to do it on a weekend because both D and I needed to be present, or we had to have a notarized statement from D - going on the weekend seemed like less of a hassle.  This simple task of obtaining L's passport turned into an emotional roller-coaster for me.  First, we went to the wrong post office in town.  Fortunately I had also gotten the times for passport acceptance wrong and we had an hour instead of 2 min till they closed.  So we rushed to the other side of town and got in line.  While in line several kind people let us in on a few requirements that if not met would inhibit us from getting our passport - photo copies of our IDs, checks or money orders only.  D was wearing L, so naturally he took L and walked over the ups store for photocopies.  I stayed in line.  Watching D walk away with L hurt!  I couldn't believe that D so naturally come to the conclusion that he could just walk away with L - didn't he need to ponder all the what ifs like me?  What if he gets hungry, what if he needs my comfort, what if I need him? While they were gone another baby in the post office began crying and I frantically looked to see if L was any where near.  When D returned L was peacefully asleep and I was relieved.  But then D suggested (since the line was moving at a snails pace) that he drive home and grab the check book.  I kept thinking to myself, "he can't seriously plan on driving with L alone, going that far away from me!" (it's maybe a 10 min drive)    Without any logic to stand on I didn't protest and once again I watched D walk away with L.  Again I felt fear and anxiety overwhelm me, this was the first time D had taken L any where alone, as well as the first time L had been in a car without me.  I know my anxiety wasn't about D's inability - in fact I trust L with D more then our experienced and loving grandmothers, he is a great dad - it was just the first time I would be really separated from my little man!  Something biological seemed to kick in, all I could think about was L, I almost became tearful - a kind man in line noticed my weariness and seemed to try and reassure me they would be right back and with the check book - as if I was some how concerned we wouldn't be able to get the passport.  To make matters worse, I didn't even have a phone on me - again the what ifs started.  It felt like they were gone forever, the best word to describe the feeling I felt - pain.  It's a pain I hadn't experienced before.  Finally D returned, in perfect time for us to reach the front of the line.  L was peacefully asleep; I asked to hold him, I needed to hold him.

I nursed L in the car after we left the post office and shared my inner dialogue with D - I was crying at this point (typing this post is also moving me to tears).  D apologized (though he didn't need to, but it was sweet).  I don't think D or I really understood what it would do to me to be separated from L...I think I have a glimpse of what going back to work will be like - painful.  This love is so overwhelming - it encompasses all of me.