Monday, November 15, 2010

Being a Mother...

This last Saturday I felt something completely new, a mother's pain.  D and I went to get L a passport - not because we have a trip planned but because we wanted to get it out of the way so when we do have a trip to go on we wont have to worry about it.  We even took our own passport photos (you can do that!), but I messed up the head measurements and we needed to get them done at the post office anyways - luckily L was in a good space and it only took a few shots.  I still have to get myself a new passport with my married name - I'm excited about taking the picture myself - this time I will get the measurements right.

We had to do it on a weekend because both D and I needed to be present, or we had to have a notarized statement from D - going on the weekend seemed like less of a hassle.  This simple task of obtaining L's passport turned into an emotional roller-coaster for me.  First, we went to the wrong post office in town.  Fortunately I had also gotten the times for passport acceptance wrong and we had an hour instead of 2 min till they closed.  So we rushed to the other side of town and got in line.  While in line several kind people let us in on a few requirements that if not met would inhibit us from getting our passport - photo copies of our IDs, checks or money orders only.  D was wearing L, so naturally he took L and walked over the ups store for photocopies.  I stayed in line.  Watching D walk away with L hurt!  I couldn't believe that D so naturally come to the conclusion that he could just walk away with L - didn't he need to ponder all the what ifs like me?  What if he gets hungry, what if he needs my comfort, what if I need him? While they were gone another baby in the post office began crying and I frantically looked to see if L was any where near.  When D returned L was peacefully asleep and I was relieved.  But then D suggested (since the line was moving at a snails pace) that he drive home and grab the check book.  I kept thinking to myself, "he can't seriously plan on driving with L alone, going that far away from me!" (it's maybe a 10 min drive)    Without any logic to stand on I didn't protest and once again I watched D walk away with L.  Again I felt fear and anxiety overwhelm me, this was the first time D had taken L any where alone, as well as the first time L had been in a car without me.  I know my anxiety wasn't about D's inability - in fact I trust L with D more then our experienced and loving grandmothers, he is a great dad - it was just the first time I would be really separated from my little man!  Something biological seemed to kick in, all I could think about was L, I almost became tearful - a kind man in line noticed my weariness and seemed to try and reassure me they would be right back and with the check book - as if I was some how concerned we wouldn't be able to get the passport.  To make matters worse, I didn't even have a phone on me - again the what ifs started.  It felt like they were gone forever, the best word to describe the feeling I felt - pain.  It's a pain I hadn't experienced before.  Finally D returned, in perfect time for us to reach the front of the line.  L was peacefully asleep; I asked to hold him, I needed to hold him.

I nursed L in the car after we left the post office and shared my inner dialogue with D - I was crying at this point (typing this post is also moving me to tears).  D apologized (though he didn't need to, but it was sweet).  I don't think D or I really understood what it would do to me to be separated from L...I think I have a glimpse of what going back to work will be like - painful.  This love is so overwhelming - it encompasses all of me. 

1 comment:

  1. Aww, Mama... it's okay to suffer for our little ones. It will get better, but it never leaves entirely. Good that you were able to let him go.

    Dropping in from BabyCenter, by the way.