Sunday, February 6, 2011

Worst Weekend

I feel like a bad mother...

With all thats happened health wise since L started daycare, I think I'm not being the best mother I can be.  This is something I feel- in my heart, in my core- it's primitive.  Yes it responsible to return to work so we can continue to pay our mortgage and live the same lifestyle we do, but mortgages/money/jobs mean nothing to our most primitive selves.

I wrote about L's changes in nursing just the other day.  Now I am starting to think it's less of a change in how he nurses and more of a reaction to being sick- yet again.  It started friday, I went tot nurse him on my lunch and he barely latched on.  I ended up leaving early so I could pump before conducting group therapy for 90 min.  I pumped over 6 ounces- meaning L barely ate.   That night L went down to sleep really easily in the cosleeper- this was shocking, but something didn't feel right.  I didn't know what at the time, but I just wasn't enthused he could fall asleep on his own (which is something we have been working toward). Yesterday he continued barely eating, barely nursing- I tried bottles too.  I was engorged so I had to pump.  Last night again, he fell asleep in the cosleeper, nursed a little throughout he night- but was not his usual self.  Today it just got worse, he ate even less, I pumped to maintain supply. L's fever returned, though not a high fever, L was whining in pain so we gave him tylenol.  He has ben very tired, napping much more then usual and just falling asleep without his usual protest.  He has a Dr. appt first thing tomorrow morning (assuming nothing changes that makes us have to go the the ER).

I'm feeling very emotional about him not wanting to nurse, though I don't believe he is trying to wean since he barely takes a bottle too.  In the month L has been in daycare he hasn't been healthy.  It feels like this is his way of communicating to me it's not a good fit.

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