Last night I couldn't fall asleep- I kept thinking about my old job, how I handled conflicts that came up, the difficult situations I moved through, the way I felt validated by having a higher purpose to help others (deep stuff!). I think it was displacement and this is why:
Lately L has been FUSSY. I often read MODG (we both experience what she refers to as dramababy and I refer to as fussy/high needs and her writing is a breathe of fresh air and cussing). Because I spend 90% of my time with L we are pretty high on the enmeshment scale- when he is happy and joyful, I feel happy and joyful. But when he is fussy, irritated, crabby, and demanding- I feel that too. So again, he has been FUSSY and without even realizing it till last night, I have been equating his fussiness with some sort of failure on my part. Failure of making him happy, failure of soothing him quickly enough, failure of passing on my fussy genes (HA!). So instead of trying to solve this or even just sit in the feeling of failure- I started
Eventually I drifted off to sleep- after L woke up and nursed (thank you breastfeeding hormones!). I stared at him a little before I actually fell asleep- he looked so peaceful, and I decided I will work on noticing those moments of peace and joy in him. Classic CBT work allowing myself to observe and take note of the positive instead of the "negative". I may also be re-igniting my love of psychology/counseling...
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