1 year ago today...

around 6:30 pm...

I'm a runner.

This morning I woke up and completed a 5 mile run outside.  I took it slow, paced myself, and barely battled with the distance.  Earlier this week I PR my 5K on the treadmill (32:36).  I rewarded myself with some lululemon running pants (LOVE!), and the lady at the register asked "are you a runner?", I almost said no, or something about just starting out - but I stopped myself and said "yeah".  So I guess I consider myself a runner.  Now to go buy some body glide!

(image via pinterest)

Thoughts

WARNING: I am studying for my exam, prepare for incredibly annoying uses of psych terms...

Last night I couldn't fall asleep- I kept thinking about my old job, how I handled conflicts that came up, the difficult situations I moved through, the way I felt validated by having a higher purpose to help others (deep stuff!).  I think it was displacement and this is why:

Lately L has been FUSSY.  I often read MODG (we both experience what she refers to as dramababy and I refer to as fussy/high needs and her writing is a breathe of fresh air and cussing).  Because I spend 90% of my time with L we are pretty high on the enmeshment scale- when he is happy and joyful, I feel happy and joyful.  But when he is fussy, irritated, crabby, and demanding- I feel that too.  So again, he has been FUSSY and without even realizing it till last night, I have been equating his fussiness with some sort of failure on my part.  Failure of making him happy, failure of soothing him quickly enough, failure of passing on my fussy genes (HA!).  So instead of trying to solve this or even just sit in the feeling of failure- I started daydreaming ruminating about my old job.  I moved from something uncomfortable and unknown to something previously conquered and safer.


Eventually I drifted off to sleep- after L woke up and nursed (thank you breastfeeding hormones!).  I stared at him a little before I actually fell asleep- he looked so peaceful, and I decided I will work on noticing those moments of peace and joy in him.  Classic CBT work allowing myself to observe and take note of the positive instead of the "negative".  I may also be re-igniting my love of psychology/counseling...

Milestones

First, when did my little guy become a toddler!?!?!  He is just walking, or as D calls it "toddling" around the house, motor-boating with his mouth, rearranging our kitchen supplies, playing our piano, and just plain cracking us up!  It's amazing to watch, yet it feels like only yesterday he was learning to roll over.  I have to say I love that I can put him down now and he can stand by himself- this kid is getting heavy!  His 1st birthday is just around the corner and I've heard other mothers share about sadness over the 1st birthday- the loss of their infant, baby, etc...I'm not sad, more excited.

D and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary earlier this week.  We went to Michael Mina's in SF.  The food was awesome- it had been so long since I had enjoyed butter and cream due to L's sensitivity to dairy, that I actually became a little emotional when eating- yes, it was that good!  And L seems to be doing great with small amounts of dairy- no need for cow's milk though, still breastfeeding away.

Yesterday we returned to the city to visit my cousin.  L looked absolutely adorable in his Gap outfit- Gap is killing it with baby clothes right now- if you have a baby/kid check this out.  We grabbed some food at Tartine then had a picnic in Dolores park.  Hopefully my cousin sends over the pictures he took.

My toes are still healing but I have been able to run a few miles.  The Dr. told me about 3 weeks (it's been a week and half) and I can get a  pedicure- that's my light at the end of the tunnel...

Progress

This past week D did some major work on the laundry room and finished our side gate (which turned out exactly how I had hoped).  Working freelance means that sometimes he is really busy and we hardy see him, and other times he is barely working and we freak out a little bit.  Well middle of July began some serious time off for D- apparently it's slow out in the film and television world.  So last week while I nursed my toe surgery (did I mention the six shots to numb my toe basically felt like 6 epidurals in my feet- it was horrible and I'm still traumatized) D went to town on the house.  He installed the lights and fan, finished the drywall, tape, mudded and sanded it, and stained the side gate.  Then we were able to paint most of the room (by most I mean all but the lower part of the back all- some how it was forgotten when sanding).  I have to say these things really helped make it feel like a room!

There is a very annoying blue line that we can't seem to cover with just painting over it- possibly was made with an oil based ink by the previous owner?  So we have to use some kilz or something and then try to paint over it.

But look how amazing it's becoming...

So here is the the to do list to date (which has grown):

To Do:

1. Install fan and lighting
2. Finish drywall- tapping/mudding/sanding
3. Finish dryer vent (right now it works but it's not installed all nice and finished)
4. Paint (almost all done!)
5. Baseboards
6. Door
7. Cabinets
8. Add shelving in closet area 

Walking

Emotional

Today hasn't been fun.  Finally had a procedure on my toes for ingrown toenails that came at the end of my pregnancy and 11 months later still would not get better.  I'll spare you the gory details... but it sucked, hurt, and due to a chemical used (Phenol) I have to pump and dump milk for a bit.  How long?  No one can truly answer that, but I read something out about 12 hours and my Dr. recommended something similar so thats what I am doing.  It's frustrating that there isn't enough information about breastfeeding and medications.

The hard part is not being able to nurse L right now.  I didn't think it would bother me so much since its just for half a day, but already I've shed a few tears.  It's hard that I can't comfort him in that way.   Also D has had to be the one to actually dump the pumped milk- it's not in me to throw it out- liquid gold after all.

I put off this procedure for a while- mostly due to my own anxiety.  I actually went to have it done in May but told them at the appointment that I couldn't go through with it and left (even after they tried their best to get me to stay and convince me).  Today when I was brought back in the room I was nervous and had to go pee, I excused myself and the nurse said, "you're coming back right?"  They know me and my fear of medical procedure a little to well over there.  Basically the kicker that got me to finally have this done was getting tired of bloody socks after my runs, constant toe pain, and not being able to wear any shoes but one pair.  

So here I sit, with my feet elevated, watching my mother play with my amazing little boy who I can't nurse.  Yes, I'm having a poor me moment.  But there's some good stuff happening too; D has installed the lighting and fan in the laundry room, as well as all the interior drywall- hopefully he can tape and mud it tonight.  And we mailed out some of L's bday invites (we are only mailing some of the invites, most people are on facebook and that works just as well).