It is what it is....

Today I am sleep deprived- L really doesn't like going to sleep with me any more.  We still walk him down or nurse him down and lately the nursing isn't working very well and the walking only works if it's someone besides me!  So from 3am till 6:30am L and I were in a battle.  I tried walking him down and he was practically asleep and then just picks his head up and starts chatting away wide awake...nursing provided the same result, threats of sleeping alone in his room made him pretend to sleep for 1 minute then wake up again.

Finally out of sheer exhaustion I said he was going to bed and placed him in his bed, walked out of his room, and shut the door.  I wasn't even 2 feet away from his door when I heard his thumping run and then him smashing into the door screaming "mama!".  I didn't go in right away, but then it sounded like he was banging his head so I went in.  Finally after doing this dance for 3 and half hours, L fell asleep nursing.

I despise nights alone with L- if D is home and L wakes up, D brings him to the bed and L nurses for a bit.  Sometimes we all fall back asleep and cosleep for the night.  Usually however, I can't sleep while nursing so I stay awake till L has had both breasts and seems just about back to sleep.  Then I ask D to move him to his bed.  Sometimes D has to walk for a few minutes-  yes a few minutes.  If I were to pick L up to transfer him back to the bed he would wake up- I have tried and it happens every time so we just stopped.

I feel like screaming WTF!  How did L turn out like this!!?!  Not many other kids are this difficult to put to sleep and keep asleep at this age- or maybe they are but it definitely isn't the norm.  I'm sure D and I could have cried it out with L when he was younger, but I still stand by our decision not to.  Today my mom watched L so I could rest stress about my work alone.  She got him to fall asleep in her bed- she said it took 45 min.  She is coming over to tell me how it was done.  I suspect it included numerous redirecting back in the bed, music, iphone games, and tv.  We will see and try it here tonight.  But it definitely means L needs a real bed so we can lay with him till he falls asleep.  And then there's always the wondering if he will fall asleep for everyone but me.

L has been increasingly sensitive to my tone of voice and mood- if I even pretend to be upset he gets upset.  So I just say "mommy's ok" to reassure him.  Well during lasts nights madness my tone was not sweet and patient, but was stern and pretty pissed.  L kept saying "mommy ok" in the sweetest little voice ever....it melted my heart.

In good news- we found a wonderful preschool thanks to the recommendation of our neighbor.  It's parent participation, but nothing too demanding.  My practice is picking up but it is also a constant source fo stress- marketing is draining, I worry about money, I worry about how good of a therapist I am- it's been hard returning to this work after such a long time mainly just chatting with babies/toddlers/dogs.  This weekend my in laws begin the move out of their home of over 30 years- D was born and raised in one house...he is handling it rather well.

I really want/need a little vacation- away from technology that connects to me to my work, where I can sleep uninterrupted, spend relaxing time with my husband.....probably not in the budget for a while.