I forgot how difficult the 1st trimester is. It's been about 6 weeks since I started feeling the "morning sickness", and although the peak of that seems to be ending, I am now being detained by incredibly painful headaches. I keep trying to figure out if this is how I felt with L (the headaches are for sure a new thing), or if it's worse, and also, when exactly did I get better. I know it did get better, the second trimester and most of the third weren't too bad. I had a lot of Braxton hicks contractions, but no nausea, and no pain that couldn't be helped with massage or a warm bath.
I guess I assumed since I was in better shape this time, I wouldn't suffer too much in the beginning. I guess having a toddler that does not think it's ok for mama to rest is probably not helping my case.
I want to be excited about this pregnancy, and I want to enjoy fall- I F*CKING love fall (the weather, the foods, the fun stuff to do with L). But I honestly feel like my life is on hold. I spend the days I can resting, laying down, drinking insane amounts of club soda (something about the carbonation stops me from vomiting it up). If I overdo it, I suffer the consequences...either some awesome puke session or a headache that brings me to tears. Chocolate helps the headaches though (maybe the combination of sugar and caffiene), learned that last night.
I have missed almost every day of L's preschool. D has been great and attending them all. I hate that I am not able to be there for L like I want. I get sh*t from some women who did not have difficult pregnancies saying I should just, "drink ginger ale, eat small meals, and force yourself to do things". It's frustrating, but ultimately they don't know what they are talking about because even the mildest birth control hormones cause vomiting in me (aka hormone changes and me are not friends), and there's a whole lot more hormone changes going on right now then in those ridiculous nuva rings (seriously lame invention imo). Then I also get the, "isn't there anything you can take, maybe your Dr. can prescribe something?" BS that some people try to pull on me. NOPE, don't feel like taking a drug that isn't considered extremely safe unless I am having serious consequences (loosing a lot of weight, dehydrated, can't keep anything down). I would rather alter my life, take it as easy as I can, then pop a pill that probably wont be very effective and cause a slew of shitty side effects (main one being really bad constipation- so yes shitty).
It's been hard to keep a positive outlook after 6 weeks though. It's exactly why people with chronic pain and illness have an incredibly high rate of also suffering from depression. It's as if something is constantly weighing you down.
This week D and I will be meeting with a homebirth midwife. We haven't decided if this is the route for us, but I need to find out if it's even a possibility for us. I had high blood pressure the last couple weeks of my pregnancy with L, so maybe that alone risks me out. I need to know that it's not an option for me to be able to commit to a hospital birth. I actually really like my Dr, and if she would be there for my birth, I would have much less hesitation. But she wont be- well she is on call once a week for a 12 hr shift....so basically I can't count on it. But money is also a factor- homebirth plus a transfer if needed is A LOT of money. And then there's all the VBAC things to worry about.
Side note: I was reading
This week we will also have our NT ultrasound. I'm all for screenings, it's important for me to know about the health of this baby. I don't think there will be any concerns, but I'm looking forward to the high resolution ultrasound- I need something about this pregnancy to get enjoyable really quick.
I keep wondering about the gender of this baby- a lot of pressure from friends, family to have a girl- ok guys, I'll get on that! Honestly, I would like a girl, but not for the reason that I wouldn't want a boy. I want a girl for the reason that it will be easier to not have any more children if I choose not to. Basically that concept started due to how difficult this pregnancy has been. I always wanted 3 kids, maybe 4- but now I just want to never experience this ever again. This 1st trimester hasn't been far from a nightmare and has even taken me to some dark places.
Hopefully things will get better soon. Of course there will be the first kicks, finding out the sex, actually looking pregnant- not bloated, organizing newborn stuff.......bring on that second trimester!
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