Happy 6 Months!

Yep, thats L sitting up on his own- 6 months does a body good (except or the loss of chubbiness due to being sick so much).   

Yesterday was a horrible day- one of my worst as a mom.  I had already felt like crap just thinking about returning to work/daycare after the weekend was over, D and I were just not in sync, and you were still coughing and congested.  I went to change your diaper and it was one of those times where you were especially acrobatic, wiggly, and resistant to getting a change.  I always push my body up against the changing area as to block you from falling, but this time when I moved my hand and turned my head to toss a wipe I felt a swish by my leg/thigh.  I immediately knew what happened- I remember this as if it was in slow motion (yep- traumatized).   There was no sound, but then the thud broke the silence, and soon after you screamed.  You had falling off the table and onto the hardwood floor.  I grabbed you, yelled for D, and started to nurse you while I cried and cursed myself.  You had a small pink bump on your head- I thought I had ruined you.  D and I checked you out- besides the pink bump (that faded pretty quickly) you seemed happy and playful- we didn't let you sleep for a couple hours (hey isn't that what you always here about those with concussions?).   

But today was a better day.  We went to the park and took some adorable pictures.  You sat up so well!  You have your two bottom teeth (I really need to get a picture of them!) and it appears two more bottoms ones are trying to poke through.  We tried oatmeal last night and it went alright.  You're definitely not that interested in solids yet, well for eating- playing is another story.  I love you lots and can't wait to devote all my time to you.

Happy 6 months!

Hindsight

I wish I had known how much I would love being a mom and want to devote my full self to doing this.  I would have made very different choices about school, career, and money management.  Yes, this a post where I whine that I do not stay home with my amazing son.  Although I love aspects of my job, have moments where I feel good about the work I do, adore many of my coworkers- the passion and drive to be there is gone.  I find myself angry, inconvenienced, and just resentful at work and at home while I do those wonderful things working moms do (washing a billion bottles/pump parts, packing diapers, lugging back and forth the daycare necessities...and the commuting).  I'm burnt out- all my reserves are being used to go do my job, there's not enough left to be the mom I want to be.

I imagine I would get some feedback about focusing on the positives, or creating better self care- self care is a joke when you're a mom, at least compared to the freedom that existed before.  I do everything in my power to get good sleep (short of sending my son away- of course not an option), I exercise (how I have kept this Couch to 5K thing up and am in week 4 is beyond me)....

Last night when I came home I forgot to put the bottles of milk I pumped at work in the fridge- I remembered in the morning.  This is one incident in a long line of incidents that show I am not keeping up with everything on my plate.  So I sit here pumping on a Saturday hoping to make enough milk for Monday- the freezer stash wont last forever.

Something's gotta give...

Wordless Wednesday: My Husband

Going Bananas

We caved and attempted solids about 1 week prior to L turning 6 months.  We are trying a semi-baby led weaning process- mainly avoiding runny purees.  L liked the process of playing with the bananas, munching some of it mushed up, sorta feeding himself with the spoon- actually more like chewing on the spoon.  Most of it he pushed out, but I saw the proof that he swallowed some!  Anyways, we did a little bit of banana in the evening for 3 days, then tried avocado on the 4th day.  He seemed to eat/swallow more avocado, but that evening and the next couples days he was acting like he had an upset tummy.   We aren't sure what caused it, but that was our cue to slow down and back off for a while.  It doesn't seem like L misses his bananas and continues to vigorously nurse.  Tomorrow L will be officially 6 months- Woah!  I think we may try some sweet potato or pear over the weekend.

Painting

Wish I had more time to paint...

A Beautiful Gift

D's dad (Papa Mike) brought this over a few weeks ago and I have been meaning to post a picture.  This is a childs size rocking chair, it was Papa's, then D's, and now it belongs to L.  Papa even oiled the wood before giving it to us.  Im in love with it because its beautiful, I can totally see L sitting in it and reading as he gets older- but most of all I love it because it holds generations of memories.

This is the face of a sick child

 I hate that this blog has turned into a place for me to complain about being sick- but it's pretty much consuming my life right now.  L is sick again!!!!  Yet this time it seems to be a simply case of running nose, slight cough.  He is still a happy little guy- smiling, eating, squealing.  It does seem like he has some more bottom teeth trying to break through.  And to continue with the trend around here- I seem to be getting sick.  I hope this is not true, but with everyone at my work getting this horrid cold that D and L had (this thing seriously lasts 2+ weeks)- I don't even know how I have managed to avoid it this long.  So I'm drinking my tea and relaxing at home.

Just Hanging Out...

With the ladies at daycare.

Wordless Wednesday

Love & Joy

Today has not been a great day by any means- one of our cars broke down, work this week has been chaos and stress, there seems to be no time for D and I, and my house feels like a giant mess....but when I look at L, cuddle and nurse him, I just can't help but feel utter joy.

I'm crazy in love with this face...

The Life of A Breastfeeding Working Mom

Cuteness

On The Mend

I think L is finally getting better- finally! I was really upset when we went to the Dr. on Monday and found out he had lost 1 lb in a week and a half.  The Dr. noticed another ear infection and gave us antibiotics.  They seem to be doing the trick- L is back to nursing, smiling, and squealing.  Today his "talking" changed to sounding more like a real conversation and I swear he was trying to imitate my sounds- it was amazing.

These quotes were heavy on my mind this week...

Wordless Wednesday

Worst Weekend

I feel like a bad mother...

With all thats happened health wise since L started daycare, I think I'm not being the best mother I can be.  This is something I feel- in my heart, in my core- it's primitive.  Yes it responsible to return to work so we can continue to pay our mortgage and live the same lifestyle we do, but mortgages/money/jobs mean nothing to our most primitive selves.

I wrote about L's changes in nursing just the other day.  Now I am starting to think it's less of a change in how he nurses and more of a reaction to being sick- yet again.  It started friday, I went tot nurse him on my lunch and he barely latched on.  I ended up leaving early so I could pump before conducting group therapy for 90 min.  I pumped over 6 ounces- meaning L barely ate.   That night L went down to sleep really easily in the cosleeper- this was shocking, but something didn't feel right.  I didn't know what at the time, but I just wasn't enthused he could fall asleep on his own (which is something we have been working toward). Yesterday he continued barely eating, barely nursing- I tried bottles too.  I was engorged so I had to pump.  Last night again, he fell asleep in the cosleeper, nursed a little throughout he night- but was not his usual self.  Today it just got worse, he ate even less, I pumped to maintain supply. L's fever returned, though not a high fever, L was whining in pain so we gave him tylenol.  He has ben very tired, napping much more then usual and just falling asleep without his usual protest.  He has a Dr. appt first thing tomorrow morning (assuming nothing changes that makes us have to go the the ER).

I'm feeling very emotional about him not wanting to nurse, though I don't believe he is trying to wean since he barely takes a bottle too.  In the month L has been in daycare he hasn't been healthy.  It feels like this is his way of communicating to me it's not a good fit.

Changes

My nursing relationship with L has started to change and some of the changes make me a little sad.  L is becoming increasingly aware and interested in everything going on around him and slightly less interested in just nursing.   So many things distract him he now- the dogs, lights, computers, people, noises, even me!  It's caused nursing to be a little difficult, and take a lot longer- but not longer because of feeding time, longer because of redirecting him back to nursing.  I've started to notice he does the majority of his nursing at night when tired and in bed- this isn't great for my sleep though!

He also isn't eating nearly as often as he used to.  In the beginning the constant feedings wore on me (oh the pain of thrush and an enthusiastic eater!), but somewhere along the way I got used to his need to feed all the time and it even became comforting and expected- it was a constant in our relationship.  Now I will assume he is hungry because, well it's been over 3 hours since he last ate- I try to nurse him and he just smiles at me, plays around for a bit, and if I push it- he bites me! Yes, he has two razor sharp teeth right now.  I'm not very fond of L's new way of communicating, but I do get the point pretty quickly. 

These changes have also been bothersome since I seem to have caused an oversupply (this is where you produce significantly more milk then your little one needs).  I eat oatmeal every morning- it tastes good, it's cheap, and I was originally worried about not producing enough when I returned to work.  Oatmeal is supposed to help boost milk production.  I also pump much more milk then L takes at daycare, and I can't just give him bigger bottles since he just spits up when you over feed him- it's pretty wonderful that my little guy lets me know what his needs are.  So my freezer stash continues to grow, and I am very grateful I do not have to worry about not having milk for L when he is at daycare.....now I just have to work on preventing the engorgement and in the end may donate some milk.

Wordless Wednesday

Running

I almost don't want to post/proclaim this...

I've started running on our treadmill (purchased from craigslist).  It's a lot cheaper then our gym membership was and I can still be with L or just go for a short run while he is napping- if he ever lets me put him down for a nap again!  I'm not a "good" runner, never have been, my poor lungs just don't want to keep up.  But there's nothing like running that gets me out of my head, and works so many different muscles.  So here I am starting the couch to 5K program...